^!^ 


ALFRJED  DI\EYFUS 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  or 
CAtlFOHNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


( 


FIVE  YEARS  OF  MY  LIFE 


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FIVE    YEARS   OF 
MY  LIFE 

1894  — 1899 
By 

ALFRED    DREYFUS 

Ex- Captain  of  Artillery  in  the  French  Army 


McCLURE,  PHILLIPS   ^   CO. 
NEW    YORK 

MCMI 


Copyright,  1901,  by  August  F.  Jaccaci. 
Copyright,  1901,  by  McClure,  Phillips,  &  Co. 


The  book  has  been  set  up  and  printed  in  America 
in  French  and  English.  Both  the  original  text 
and  the  translation  are  protected  by  copyright. 

Tons  droits  de  traduction  et  reproduction  reserves 
pour  tous  pays,  y  compris  la  Suede  et  la  Norwege. 

Entered  at  Stationers*  Hall,  Londony  England. 


First  Edition,  April,  1901 
Second  Edition,  May,  1901 
Third  Edition,  June,  1901 


To  My  Children 


INTRODUCTORY   NOTE 

In  the  following  pages  I  tell  the  story  of  my 
life  during  those  five  years  in  which  I  was  cut 
off  from  the  world  of  the  living. 

The  events  which  took  place  in  France  in  con- 
nection with  the  trial  of  1894,  and  during  the 
following  years,  remained  entirely  unknown  to 
me  until  the  trial  at  Rennes. 

A.  D. 


EDITOR'S    PREFACE 

FOR  the  full  understanding  of  the  frequent 
references  made  by  Captain  Dreyfus  to 
circumstances  of  his  trial  and  the  events 
consequent  upon  it,  it  is  necessary  that  the  reader 
should  have  in  mind  the  principal  features  of 
the  far-reaching  and  involved  "Affaire  Dreyfus." 
For  this  reason  it  has  seemed  best  to  give  the 
following  brief  synopsis  of  the  case  in  its  salient 
features. 

In  September,  1894,  the  fragments  of  a  docu- 
ment said  to  have  been  found  in  the  overcoat 
pocket  of  Colonel  Schwarzkoppen,  German  Mili- 
tary Attache  in  Paris,  were  brought  to  the  In- 
telligence Department  of  the  French  War  Office. 
On  being  fitted  together,  they  constituted  a 
report  obviously  written  by  a  spy  who  had  access 


X  EDITOR'S    PREFACE 

to  French  army  secrets.  War  and  tactical  plans 
of  the  French  army  made  up  its  substance.  This 
was  the  famous  bordereau  which  was  the  basis  of 
the  entire  Dreyfus  case.  Captain  Dreyfus  was 
arrested  and  tried  on  a  charge  of  treason,  based 
on  testimony  that  it  was  he  who  wrote  the  bor- 
dereau. On  the  evidence  of  Major  du  Paty  de 
Clam,  who  swore  that  Dreyfus  turned  pale  when 
ordered  to  write  excerpts  from  the  document ; 
of  two  handwriting  experts,  one  of  whom,  M. 
Bertillon,  head  of  the  Criminal  Identification 
Bureau  in  Paris,  said  that  the  handwriting  of  the 
bordereau  could  be  by  no  one  but  the  prisoner  ; 
and  on  the  strength  of  certain  documents  (the 
secret  dossier),  secretly  and  illegally  presented  as 
evidence  unknown  to  the  prisoner  or  his  coun- 
sel, and  vouched  for  by  the  unsupported  oath 
of  Commandant  Henry,  Dreyfus  was  convicted 
and  sentenced  to  solitary  confinement  for  life. 
Early  in  January,  1895,  Captain  Dreyfus  was 
stripped  of  his  insignia  of  rank,  and  his  punish- 
ment began. 


I 


EDITOR'S    PREFACE  xi 

In  May,  1896,  there  came  to  the  Intelligence 
Department  of  the  War  Office,  over  which 
Lieutenant-Colonel  Picquart  then  presided,  a 
special  delivery  card  [petit  bleu)  torn,  as  the 
bordereau  had  been,  into  fragments,  and,  like  the 
previous  document,  filched  from  the  German 
Embassy.  This  was  written  by  Colonel  Schwarz- 
koppen  and  bore  the  name  and  address  of  Major 
Esterhazy,  a  soldier  of  fortune,  who  had  entered 
the  French  military  service.  Picquart  secured 
specimens  of  Esterhazy 's  handwriting  which  he 
compared  with  that  of  the  bordereau:  the  chi- 
rography  seemed  the  same.  Petition  was  made 
about  this  time  for  a  revision  of  Dreyfus's  court- 
martial.  Picquart,  convinced  that  Esterhazy 
was  guilty  of  the  crime  for  which  Dreyfus  was 
undergoing  servitude,  espoused  the  Dreyfus 
cause  and  thus  brought  upon  himself  the  perse- 
cution which  culminated  in  his  imprisonment  and 
final  dismissal  from  the  army. 

Then  followed  the  Esterhazy  court-martial,  the 
first  clash  of  legal  arms  in   the  battle  of  Drey- 


xii  EDITOR'S    PREFACE 

fusards  against  Anti-Dreyfu sards,  which  con- 
vulsed all  France.  Mysterious  documents  and 
accusations  of  forgery  on  both  sides  played  a 
conspicuous  part  in  the  proceedings.  Esterhazy 
was  acquitted  in  January,  1898,  by  a  complaisant 
court-martial.  For  two  days  the  army  and  its 
partisans  rejoiced.  Then  Zola's  famous  ''''J^ accuse" 
letter  turned  their  jubilation  into  fury.  The 
author  was  arrested  on  a  charge  of  libel  and 
eventually  convicted,  but  in  the  course  of  his  two 
trials  the  secret  dossier  which  played  so  important 
a  part  in  the  conviction  of  Captain  Dreyfus  was 
produced  and  read.  Picquart  promptly  declared 
the  one  document  of  the  dossier  which  was  at 
all  relevant  to  the  case  a  forgery,  and  later 
offered  to  prove  what  he  said.  Lemercier- 
Picard,  who  had  been  implicated  in  the  forgery 
of  that  document,  was  found  strangled  in  the 
cell  where  he  had  been  incarcerated.  Shortly 
after  Zola's  conviction,  Commandant  Henry  was 
arrested  on  his  confession  of  having  forged  that 
secret    document.     On    the    day    following    his 


EDITOR'S    PREFACE  xiii 

arrest  he  was  found  in  his  cell  with  his  throat 
cut.  Suicide  was  the  verdict.  Esterhazy  was 
now  openly  charged  in  the  newspapers  with  hav- 
ing been  the  author  of  the  bordereau,  a  charge 
which  he  never  refuted,  but  he  escaped  punish- 
ment, by  fleeing  to  England,  where  he  has  since 
remained,  notwithstanding  efforts  by  the  French 
Courts  to  secure  his  testimony. 

Though  Picquart  was  in  prison,  and  other  offi- 
cers who  had  dared  to  express  the  belief  that 
Captain  Dreyfus  had  been  illegally  and  unjustly 
convicted  were  cashiered  for  this  offence,  the 
movement  for  revision  was  steadfastly  pressed ; 
but  not  until  1899,  after  many  changes  of  cabinets, 
—  all  anti-Dreyfusards  and  made  up  of  those  who 
were  violent  partisans  of  the  army,  either  by  in- 
clination or  from  fear  of  consequences,  —  was  the 
order  for  revision  given  by  the  Waldeck-Rous- 
seau  ministry.  The  last  evidence  of  importance 
adduced  in  the  hearing  of  the  revision  was  from  a 
member  of  the  court-martial  of  1894,  who  testi- 
fied that  thiQ  secret  dossier  on  which  Captain  Drey- 


xiv  EDITOR'S   PREFACE 

fus  was  convicted  was  shown  to  the  jury  in  the 
jury-room  while  the  court  was  in  adjournment. 

The  return  of  Captain  Dreyfus,  the  final  court- 
martial,  and  the  conviction  "  with  extenuating 
circumstances,"  followed  by  the  pardon  in  the  fall 
of  1899,  were  the  final  acts  of  the  drama. 


r 


TABLE    OF    CONTENTS 


Page 

I.     A  Sketch  of  my  Life i 

\.               II.    The  Arrest 5 

}              III.     The  First  Court  Martial  of  1894    ...  15 

r              IV.    After  the  Condemnation 25 

V.     The  Degradation 49 

VI.    The  He  de  Re  Prison 73 

VII.    The  Journey  to  the  lies  du  Salut     ...  99 

VIII.    Devil's  Island  Diary 103 

IX.     Devil's  Island  from  September,  1896,  to 

August,  1897 ^^9 

X.    Devil's  Island  from  August   25,  1897,  to 

June,  1899 251 

XL     The  Return  to  France 291 

XII.     The  Rennes  Court  Martial 307 


FIVE  YEARS  OF  MY  LIFE 

I 

A   SKETCH    OF    MY   LIFE 

I   WAS    born  at  Mulhouse,  in  Alsace,  Oct- 
ober 9,  1859.     My  childhood  passed  hap- 
pily amid   the  gentle  influences  of  mother 
and  sisters,  a  kind  father  devoted  to  his  children, 
and  the  companionship  of  older  brothers. 

My  first  sorrow  was  the  Franco-Prussian  War. 
It  has  never  faded  from  my  memory.  When 
peace  was  concluded  my  father  chose  the  French 
nationality,  and  we  had  to  leave  Alsace.  I  went 
to  Paris  to  continue  my  studies. 

In  1878  I  was  received  at  the  Ecole  Polytech- 
nique,  which  in  the  usual  order  of  things  I  left  in 
1880,  to  enter,  as  cadet  of  artillery,  the  Ecole 
d' Application    of  Fontainebleau,  where   I    spent 


2  FIVE    YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

the  regulation  two  years.  After  graduating,  on 
the  1st  of  October,  1882,  I  was  breveted  lieuten- 
ant in  the  Thirty-first  Regiment  of  Artillery  in 
the  garrison  at  Le  Mans.  At  the  end  of  the 
year  1883,  I  was  transferred  to  the  Horse  Bat- 
teries of  the  First  Independent  Cavalry  Division, 
at  Paris.  On  the  12th  of  September,  1889,  ^ 
received  my  commission  of  captain  in  the  Twenty- 
first  Regiment  of  Artillery,  and  was  appointed 
on  special  service  at  the  Ecole  Centrale  de  Pyro- 
technic Militaire  at  Bourges.  It  was  in  the 
course  of  the  following  winter  that  I  became  en- 
gaged to  Mile.  Lucie  Hadamard,  my  devoted 
and    heroic    wife. 

During  my  engagement  I  prepared  myself  for 
the  Ecole  Superieure  de  Guerre  (School  for  Staff 
Officers),  where  I  was  received  the  20th  of  April, 
1890;  the  next  day,  April  21,  I  was  married. 
I  left  the  Ecole  Superieure  de  Guerre  in  1892 
with  the  degree  "  very  good,"  and  the  brevet  of 
Staff  Officer.  My  rank  number  on  leaving  the 
Ecole  entitled  me  to  be  detailed  as  stagiaire  (pro- 
bationer) on  the  General  Staff  of  the  army.      I 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  3 

took  service  in  the  Second  Bureau  of  the  General 
Staff  (The  Intelligence  Bureau)  on  the  ist  of 
January,   1893. 

A  brilliant  and  easy  career  was  open  to  me ; 
the  future  appeared  under  the  most  promising 
auspices.  After  my  day's  work  I  found  rest  and 
delight  at  home.  Every  manifestation  of  the 
human  mind  was  of  profound  interest  to  me.  I 
found  pleasure  in  reading  aloud  during  the  long 
evenings  passed  at  my  wife's  side.  We  were 
perfectly  happy,  and  our  first  child,  a  boy, 
brightened  our  home  ;  I  had  no  material  cares, 
and  the  same  deep  affection  united  me  to  the 
family  of  my  wife  as  to  the  members  of  my  own 
family.  Everything  in  life  seemed  to  smile 
on    me. 


II 

'THE   ARREST 

THE  year  1893  passed  without  incidents. 
My  daughter  Jeanne  came  to  shed  a 
new  ray  of  sunshine  in  our  home. 

The  year  1894  was  to  be  the  last  of  my  ser- 
vice in  the  Second  Bureau  of  the  General  Staff 
of  the  army.  During  the  last  quarter  of  the 
year  I  was  named  for  the  regulation  term  of  ser- 
vice in  an  infantry  regiment  stationed  in  Paris. 

I  began  my  term  on  the  ist  of  October.  Sat- 
urday, the  13th  of  October,  1894,  I  received  a 
service-note  directing  me  to  go  the  following 
Monday,  at  nine  o'clock  in  the  morning,  to  the 
Ministry  of  War  for  the  general  inspection.  It 
was  expressly  stated  that  I  should  be  in  tenue 
bourgeoise  (civilian  dress).  The  hour  seemed  to 
me  very  early  for  the  general  inspection,  which  is 
usually  passed  late  in  the  day ;  the  mention  of 


6  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

civilian  dress  surprised  me  as  well.  Still,  after 
making  these  remarks  while  reading  the  note,  I 
soon  forgot  them,  as  the  matter  appeared  un- 
important. 

As  was  our  custom,  my  wife  and  I  dined  on 
Sunday  evening  with  her  parents.  We  came 
away  gay  and  light-hearted,  as  we  always  did 
after  these  family  gatherings. 

On  Monday  morning  I  left  my  family.  My 
son  Pierre,  who  was  then  three  and  a  half  years 
old  and  was  accustomed  to  accompany  me  to  the 
door  when  I  went  out,  came  with  me  that  morn- 
ing as  usual.  That  was  one  of  my  keenest  re- 
membrances through  all  my  misfortunes.  Very 
often  in  my  nights  of  sorrow  and  despair  I  lived 
over  the  moment  when  I  held  my  child  in  my 
arms  for  the  last  time.  In  this  recollection  I 
always  found  renewed  strength  of  purpose. 

The  morning  was  bright  and  cool,  the  rising 
sun  driving  away  the  thin  mist;  everything  fore- 
told a  beautiful  day.  As  I  was  a  little  ahead  of 
time,  I  walked  back  and  forth  before  the  Minis- 
try Building  for  a  few  minutes,  then  went  up- 


■:>' 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  7 

stairs.  On  entering  the  office  I  was  received  by 
Commandant  Picquart,  who  seemed  to  be  wait- 
ing for  me,  and  who  took  me  at  once  into  his 
room.  I  was  somewhat  surprised  at  finding  none 
of  my  comrades,  as  officers  are  always  called  in 
groups  to  the  general  inspection.  After  a  few 
minutes  of  commonplace  conversation  Command- 
ant Picquart  conducted  me  to  the  private  office  of 
the  Chief  of  General  Staff.  I  was  greatly  amazed 
to  find  myself  received,  not  by  the  Chief  of  Gen- 
eral Staff,  but  by  Commandant  du  Paty  de  Clam, 
who  was  in  uniform.  Three  persons  in  civilian 
dress,  who  were  utterly  unknown  to  me,  were 
also  there.  These  three  persons  were  M.  Coche- 
fert.  Chef  de  la  Surete  (the  head  of  the  secret  po- 
lice), his  secretary,  and  the  Keeper  of  the  Records, 
M.  Gribehn. 

Commandant  du  Paty  de  Clam  came  directly 
toward  me  and  said  in  a  choking  voice :  "  The 
General  is  coming.  While  waiting,  I  have  a 
letter  to  write,  and  as  my  finger  is  sore,  will  you 
write  it  for  me  ?  "  Strange  as  the  request  was 
under  the  circumstances,  I  at  once  complied.     I 


8  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

sat  down  at  a  little  table,  while  Commandant  du 
Paty  placed  himself  at  my  side  and  very  near 
me,  following  my  hand  with  his  eye.  After  first 
requiring  me  to  fill  up  an  inspection  form,  he 
dictated  to  me  a  letter  of  which  certain  passages 
recalled  the  accusing  letter  that  1  knew  after- 
ward, and  which  was  called  the  bordereau.  In  the 
course  of  his  dictation  the  Commandant  inter- 
rupted me  sharply,  saying:  "You  tremble."  (I 
was  not  trembling.  At  the  Court  Martial  of 
1894,  he  explained  his  brusque  interruption  by 
saying  that  he  had  perceived  I  was  not  trembling 
under  the  dictation ;  believing  therefore  that  he 
had  to  do  with  one  who  was  simulating,  he  had 
tried  in  this  way  to  shake  my  assurance.)  This 
vehement  remark  surprised  me  greatly,  as  did  the 
hostile  attitude  of  Commandant  du  Paty.  But 
as  all  suspicion  was  far  from  my  mind,  I 
thought  only  that  he  was  displeased  at  my  writ- 
ing it  badly.  My  fingers  were  cold,  for  the 
temperature  outside  was  chilly,  and  I  had  been 
only  a  few  minutes  in  the  warm  room.  So  I 
answered,  "  My  fingers  are  cold." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  9 

As  I  continued  writing  without  any  sign  of 
perturbation,  Commandant  du  Paty  tried  a  new 
interruption  and  said  violently  :  "  Pay  attention  ; 
it  is  a  grave  matter."  Whatever  may  have  been 
my  surprise  at  a  procedure  as  rude  as  it  was 
uncommon,  I  said  nothing  and  simply  applied 
myself  to  writing  more  carefully.  Thereupon 
Commandant  du  Paty,  as  he  explained  to  the 
Court  Martial  of  1894,  concluded  that,  my  self- 
possession  being  unshakable,  it  was  useless  to 
push  the  experiment  further.  The  scene  of  the 
dictation  had  been  prepared  in  every  detail  ;  but 
it  had  not  answered  the  expectations  of  those 
who  had  arranged  it. 

As  soon  as  the  dictation  was  over.  Command- 
ant du  Paty  arose  and,  placing  his  hand  on  my 
shoulder,  cried  out  in  a  loud  voice  :  "  In  the 
name  of  the  law,  1  arrest  you ;  you  are  accused 
of  the  crime  of  high  treason."  A  thunderbolt 
falling  at  my  feet  would  not  have  produced  in  me 
a  more  violent  emotion ;  I  blurted  out  discon- 
nected sentences,  protesting  against  so  infamous 
an  accusation,  which  nothing  in  my  life  could 
have  given  rise  to. 


10  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

Next,  M.  Cochefert  and  his  secretary  threw 
themselves  on  me  and  searched  me.  I  did  not 
offer  the  sHghtest  resistance,  but  cried  to  them : 
"  Take  my  keys,  open  everything  in  my  house  ;  I 
am  innocent."  Then  I  added,  "  Show  me  at 
least  the  proofs  of  the  infamous  act  you  pretend 
I  have  committed."  They  answered  that  the 
accusations  were  overwhelming,  but  refused  to 
state  what  they  were  or  who  had  made  them. 

I  was  then  taken  to  the  military  prison  on  the 
rue  du  Cherche-Midi  by  Commandant  Henry, 
accompanied  by  one  of  the  detectives.  On  the 
way.  Commandant  Henry,  who  knew  perfectly 
well  what  had  passed,  for  he  was  hidden  behind 
a  curtain  during  the  whole  scene,  asked  me  of 
what  I  was  accused.  My  reply  was  made  the 
substance  of  a  report  by  Commandant  Henry, 
—  a  report  whose  falsity  was  evident  from  the 
very  questioning  to  which  I  had  been  subjected 
and  which  I  was  again  to  undergo  in  a  few 
days. 

On  my  arrival  in  the  prison  I  was  incarcerated 
in  a  cell  whose  solitary  grated  window  looked  on 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  ii 

the  convicts'  yard.  I  was  placed  in  the  strictest 
soHtary  confinement  and  all  communication  with 
my  people  was  forbidden  me.  I  had  at  my  dis- 
posal neither  paper,  pen  and  ink,  nor  pencil. 
During  the  first  days  I  was  subjected  to  the 
regime  of  the  convicts,  but  this  illegal  measure 
was  afterward  done  away  with. 

The  men  who  brought  me  my  food  were 
always  accompanied  by  the  sergeant  on  guard 
and  the  chief  guard,  who  had  the  only  key  of 
my  cell  constantly  in  his  possession.  To  speak 
to  me  was  absolutely  forbidden  to  anyone  but 
the  Director  of  the  Prison. 

When  I  found  myself  in  that  gloomy  cell,  still 
under  the  terrific  influence  of  the  scene  I  had  just 
gone  through  and  of  the  monstrous  accusation 
brought  against  me,  when  I  thought  of  all  those 
whom  I  had  left  at  home  but  a  few  hours  before 
in  the  fulness  of  happiness,  I  fell  into  a  state  of 
fearful  excitement  and  raved  from  grief. 

I  walked  back  and  forth  in  the  narrow  space, 
knocking  my  head,  against  the  walls.  Command- 
ant Forzinetti,  Director  of  the  Prison,  came  to 


12  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

see  me,  accompanied  by  the  chief  guard,  and 
calmed   me  for  a  little  while. 

I  am  happy  to  be  able  to  give  here  expression 
to  my  deep  gratitude  to  Commandant  Forzi- 
netti,  who  found  means  to  unite  with  his  strict  duty 
as  a  soldier  the  highest  sentiments  of  humanity. 

During  the  seventeen  days  which  followed,  I 
was  subjected  to  frequent  cross-examination  by 
Commandant  du  Paty,  who  acted  as  officer  of 
judicial  police.  He  always  came  in  very  late  in 
the  evening,  accompanied  by  Gribelin,  who  was 
acting  as  his  clerk.  He  dictated  to  me  bits-  of 
sentences  taken  from  the  incriminating  letter,  or 
passed  rapidly  under  my  eyes,  in  the  light,  words 
or  fragments  of  words  taken  from  the  same  letter, 
asking  me  whether  or  not  I  recognized  the  hand- 
writing. Besides  all  that  has  been  recorded  of 
these  examinations,  he  made  all  sorts  of  veiled, 
mysterious  allusions  to  facts  unknown  to  me,  and 
would  finally  go  away  theatrically,  leaving  my 
brain  bewildered  by  the  tangle  of  insoluble  riddles. 
During  all  this  time  I  was  ignorant  of  the  basis 
of  the  accusation,  and  in  spite  of  most  urgent  de- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  13 

mands  I  could  obtain  no  light  on  the  monstrous 
charge  brought  against  me.  I  was  fighting  the 
empty  air. 

That  my  brain  did  not  give  way  during  these 
endless  days  and  nights,  was  not  the  fault  of  Com- 
mandant du  Paty.  I  had  neither  paper  nor  ink 
with  which  to  fix  my  ideas ;  I  was  every  moment 
turning  over  in  my  head  fragments  of  sentences 
which  I  had  drawn  from  him  and  which  only  led 
me  further  astray.  But  no  matter  what  my  tor- 
tures may  have  been,  my  conscience  was  awake 
and  unerringly  dictated  my  duty  to  me.  "  If  you 
die,"  it  said  to  me,  "  they  will  believe  you  guilty ; 
whatever  happens,  you  must  live  to  cry  aloud 
your  innocence  in  the  face  of  the  world." 

It  was  only  on  the  fifteenth  day  after  my  arrest 
that  Commandant  du  Paty  showed  me  a  pho- 
tograph of  the  accusing  letter  since  called  the 
bordereau. 

I  did  not  write  this  letter,  nor  was  I  in  any 

WAY    RESPONSIBLE    FOR    IT. 


Ill 

THE    FIRST    COURT    MARTIAL   OF 

1894 

WHEN  my  examination  by  Command- 
ant du  Paty  had  been  closed,  the  order 
was  given  by  General  Mercier,  Minis- 
ter of  War,  to  open  a  "  regular  instruction  "  (a 
general  investigation,  chiefly  conducted  by  the 
secret  military  police,  of  my  past  life).  My  con- 
duct, however,  was  beyond  reproach :  there  was 
nothing  in  my  life,  actions,  or  relations  on  which 
to  base  any  ignoble  suspicion. 

On  the  3d  of  November  General  Saussier, 
Military  Governor  of  Paris,  signed  the  order  for 
an  official  preliminary  investigation  of  the  case 
for  the  Court. 

This  preliminary  investigation  was  intrusted  to 
Commandant  d'Ormescheville,  rapporteur,  or  Ex- 
amining Judge,  of  the  First  Court  Martial  of  Paris. 
He  was  unable  to  bring  an   exact  charge.     His 


i6  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

report  was  a  tissue  of  allusions  and  lying  insinua- 
tions. Justice  was  done  to  it  even  by  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Court  Martial  of  1894  ;  for  at  the  last 
session  the  Commissaire  du  Gouvernement  (Judge 
Advocate)  wound  up  his  speech  for  the  prosecu- 
tion by  acknowledging  that  there  remained  no 
charge  of  any  kind,  everything  had  disappeared, 
except  the  bordereau.  The  Prefecture  of  Police, 
having  made  investigations  concerning  my  private 
life,  handed  in  an  official  report  that  was  favorable 
in  every  respect ;  the  detective,  Guenee,  who  was 
attached  to  the  Information  Service  of  the  Min- 
istry of  War,  produced,  on  the  other  side,  an 
anonymous  report  made  up  exclusively  of  ca- 
lumnious stories.  Only  his  last  report  was  pro- 
duced at  the  trial  of  1894;  the  official  report  of 
the  Prefecture  of  Police,  which  had  been  intrusted 
to  Henry,  had  disappeared.  The  magistrates  of 
the  Supreme  Court  found  the  minutes  of  it  in  the 
records  of  the  Prefecture  and  made  the  truth 
known  in   1899. 

After  seven  weeks  of  the  investigation,  during 
which  I  remained,  as  before,  in  the  strictest  soli- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  17 

tary  confinement,  the  Judge  Advocate,  Com- 
mandant Brisset,  moved,  on  the  3d  of  December, 
1894,  for  an  indictment,  "the  presumption  being 
sufficiently"  established."  These  presumptions 
were  based  on  the  contradictory  reports  of  the 
handwriting  experts,  two  of  whom  —  M.  Gobert, 
expert  of  the  Bank  of  France,  and  M.  Pelletier  — 
pronounced  in  my  favor.  The  other  two,  MM. 
Teyssonnieres  and  Charavay,  decided  against  me, 
while  admitting  the  numerous  points  of  dissimi- 
larity between  the  handwriting  of  the  bordereau 
and  my  own.  M.  Bertillon,  who  was  not  an  ex- 
pert, pronounced  against  me  on  the  ground  of 
pretended  scientific  reasons.  Every  one  knows 
that,  at  the  trial  at  Rennes  in  1899,  ^-  Charavay 
publicly  and  with  solemnity  acknowledged  his 
error. 

On  the  4th  of  December,  1894,  General 
Saussier,  Military  Governor  of  Paris,  signed  the 
order  for  the  trial. 

I  was  then  put  in  communication  with  Maitre 
Demange,  whose  admirable  devotion  remained 
unchanged  to  the  end. 


i8  FIVE    YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

All  this  time  they  refused  me  the  right  of 
seeing  my  wife.  On  the  5th  of  December  I  at 
last  received  permission  to  write  her  an  open 
letter :  — 

"Tuesday,  December  5,   1894. 

"  My  dear  Lucie,  — 

"  At  last  I  can  send  you  word.  I  have  just  been 
told  that  my  trial  is  set  for  the  19th  of  this  month. 
I  am  denied  the  right  to  see  you.  I  will  not  tell 
you  all  that  I  have  suffered  ;  there  are  not  in  the 
world  words  strong  enough  to  give  expression  to 
it.  Do  you  remember  when  I  used  to  tell  you 
how  happy  we  were  ?  Everything  in  life  smiled 
on  us.  Then  of  a  sudden  came  a  thunderbolt 
which  left  my  brain  reeling.  To  be  accused  of  the 
most  monstrous  crime  that  a  soldier  can  commit ! 
Even  to-day  I.  feel  that  I  must  be  the  victim  of 
some  frightful  nightmare.  .   .  . 

"  But  I  trust  in  God's  justice.  In  the  end  truth 
must  prevail.  My  conscience  does  not  reproach 
me.  I  have  always  done  my  duty ;  never  have 
I  turned  from  it.  Crushed  down  in  this  sombre 
cell,  alone   with    my  reeling  brain,   I    have   had 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  19 

moments  when  I  have  been  beside  myself;  but 
even  then  my  conscience  was  on  guard.  *  Hold 
up  thy  head  !  '  it  said  to  me.  *  Look  the  world 
in  the  face  !  Strong  in  thy  consciousness  of  right, 
rise  up,  go  straight  on  !  This  trial  is  frightfully 
bitter,  but  it  must  be  endured  ! ' 

"  I  embrace  you  a  thousand  times,  as  I  love 
you,  as   I   adore  you,  my  darling  Lucie. 

"  A  thousand  kisses  to  the  children.  I  dare 
not  say  more  about  them  to  you ;  the  tears  come 
into  my  eyes  when  I  think  of  them. 

Alfred." 

The  day  before  the  trial  opened  I  wrote  her 
the  following  letter,  which  expresses  the  entire 
confidence  I  had  in  the  loyalty  and  conscientious- 
ness of  the  judges  :  — 

"  I  am  come  at  last  to  the  end  of  my  sufferings. 
To-morrow  I  shall  appear  before  my  judges,  my 
head  high,  my  soul  tranquil.  I  am  ready  to  ap- 
pear before  soldiers  as  a  soldier  who  has  nothing 
with  which  to  reproach  himself.  They  will  see 
in  my  face,  they  will  read  in  my  soul,  they  will 


20  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

know  that  I  am  innocent,  as  all  will  know  who 
know  me.  The  trial  I  have  undergone,  terrible 
as  it  has  been,  has  purified  my  soul.  I  shall 
return  to  you  better  than  I  was  before.  I  want 
to  consecrate  to  you,  to  my  children,  to  our  dear 
families,  all  that  remains  of  life  to  me.  Devoted 
to  my  country,  to  which  I  have  consecrated  all 
my  strength,  all  my  intellect,  I  have  nothing  to 
fear.  Sleep  quietly  then,  my  darling,  and  do  not 
give  way  to  any  apprehension.  Think  only  of  our 
joy  when  we  are  once  more  in  each  other's  arms. 

Alfred." 

On  the  19th  of  December,  1894,  began  the 
trial  which,  in  spite  of  the  strong  protests  of  my 
lawyer,  took  place  behind  closed  doors.  I  ar- 
dently desired  that  sittings  should  be  public,  in 
order  that  my  innocence  might  shine  forth  in  the 
full  light  of  day. 

When  I  was  brought  into  the  court-room  ac- 
companied by  a  Lieutenant  of  the  Republican 
Guard,  I  saw  hardly  anything  and  understood 
nothing.      Unmindful    of   all    that    was    passing 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  21 

around  me,  my  mind  was  completely  taken  up 
with  the  frightful  nightmare  which  had  been 
weighing  on  me  for  so  many  long  weeks,  —  with 
that  monstrous  accusation  of  treason,  the  inane 
emptiness  of  which   I  was  to  prove. 

My  only  conscious  impression  was  that  on  the 
platform  at  the  end  of  the  room  were  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Court  Martial  —  officers  like  myself 
—  comrades  before  whom  I  was  at  last  to  be 
able  to  make  plain  my  innocence.  Behind  them 
against  the  wall  stood  the  substitute  judges  and 
Commandant  Picquart,  who  represented  the 
Minister  of  War.  M.  Lepine,  Prefect  of 
Police,  was  there  also.  And  facing  the  judges 
on  the  opposite  side  of  the  room  from  me  sat 
Commandant  Brisset,  Judge  Advocate,  and  the 
clerk,  Vallecalle.  After  taking  a  seat  in  front 
of  my  counsel,  Maitre  Demange,  I  looked  at 
my  judges.     They  were  impassive. 

Maitre  Demange's  fight  to  obtain  from  the 
Court  a  public  hearing,  the  violent  interruptions 
of  the  President  of  the  Court  Martial,  the  clear- 
ing of  the  court-room, — all  these  first  incidents 


22  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

of  the  trial  never  turned  my  mind  from  the  sole 
aim  to  which  it  was  directed.  I  wanted  to  be 
brought  face  to  face  with  my  accusers.  I  was  on 
fire  with  impatience  to  defend  my  honor  and  de- 
stroy the  wretched  arguments  of  an  infamous 
accusation. 

I  heard  the  false  and  hateful  testimony  of 
Commandant  du  Paty  du  Clam  and  the  lies  of 
Commandant  Henry  in  regard  to  the  conversa- 
tion we  had  had  on  the  way  from  the  Ministry 
of  War  to  the  Cherche-Midi  Prison  on  the  day 
of  my  arrest.  I  energetically,  though  calmly,  re- 
futed their  accusations.  But  when  the  latter  re- 
turned a  second  time  to  the  witness-stand,  when 
he  said  that  he  knew  from  a  most  honorable 
personage  that  an  officer  of  the  Second  Bureau  ^ 
was  a  traitor,  I  arose  in  indignation  and  pas- 
sionately demanded  that  the  person  whose  lan- 
guage he  was  quoting  should  be  made  to  appear 
in  Court.     Thereupon,  striking  his  breast  with  a 

^  This  was  the  Intelligence  Bureau  (Detective  Office)  to 
which  Dreyfus  had  been  detailed  on  special  service  when  pro- 
bationer on  the  General  Staff. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  23 

theatrical  gesture,  Henry  added :  "  When  an  offi- 
cer has  such  a  secret  in  his  head  he  does  not  con- 
fide it  even  to  his  cap."  Then,  turning  to  me, 
"  As  to  the  traitor,"  he  said,  "  there  he  is !  "  Not- 
withstanding my  vehement  protests,  I  could  obtain 
no  explanation  of  his  words  ;  and  consequently 
I  was  powerless  to  show  their  utter  falsity. 

I  heard  the  contradictory  reports  of  the  hand- 
writing experts,  —  two  testifying  in  my  favor  and 
the  other  two  against  me,  at  the  same  time  bear- 
ing witness  to  the  numerous  points  of  difference 
between  the  handwriting  of  the  bordereau  and  my 
own.  I  attached  no  importance  to  the  testimony 
of  Bertillon,  for  his  so-called  scientific  mathe- 
matical demonstrations  seemed  to  me  the  work 
of  a  crazy  man. 

All  charges  were  refuted  during  these  sessions. 
No  motive  could  be  found  to  explain  so  abomi- 
nable a  crime. 

In  the  fourth  and  last  session,  the  Judge  Ad- 
vocate abandoned  all  minor  charges,  retaining  for 
the  accusation  only  the  bordereau.  This  docu- 
ment he  waved  aloft,  shouting:  — 


24  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY    LIFE 

"  Nothing  remains  but  the  bordereau,  but  that 
is  enough.  Let  the  judges  take  up  their  magni- 
fying glasses." 

Maitre  Demange,  in  his  eloquent  speech  for 
the  defence,  refuted  the  reports  of  the  experts, 
showed  all  their  contradictions,  and  ended  by 
asking  how  it  was  "  possible  that  such  an  accu- 
sation could  have  been  built  up  without  any 
motive  having  been  produced." 

To  me  acquittal  seemed  certain. 

I  was  found  guilty. 

I  learned,  four  and  a  half  years  later,  that  the 
good  faith  of  the  judges  had  been  abused  by  the 
testimony  of  Henry  (he  who  afterward  became  a 
forger)  as  well  as  by  the  communication  in  the 
court-room  of  secret  documents  unknown  to  the 
accused  and  his  counsel  ;  documents  of  which 
some  did  not  apply  to  him,  while  the  rest  were 
forgeries. 

The  secret  communication  of  these  documents 
to  the  members  of  the  Court  Martial  in  the 
Council  Chamber  was  ordered  by  General 
Mercier, 


IV 
AFTER    THE    CONDEMNATION 

MY  despair  knew  no  bounds ;  the  night 
which  followed  my  condemnation  was 
one  of  the  bitterest  of  my  embittered 
existence.  I  revolved  in  my  mind  the  most  ex- 
travagant plans ;  I  was  stunned  by  the  iniquity, 
revolted  by  the  atrocity  of  the  case.  But  the 
memory  of  my  wife  and  children  prevented  my 
killing  myself,  and  I  resolved  to  wait. 

The  next  day  I  wrote  the  following  letter  to 
my  wife :  — 

"My  Darling, — 

"  I  suffer  much,  but  I  pity  you  still  more  than 
I  pity  myself.  I  know  how  much  you  love  me. 
Your  heart  must  bleed.  On  my  side,  my  be- 
loved, my  thought  has  always  been  of  you,  day 
and  night. 

"  To  have  lived  a  stainless  life,  and  then  to  be 
condemned  for  the  most  hateful  crime  a  soldier 


26  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY    LIFE 

can  commit!  What  could  be  more  terrible?  To 
have  had  to  bear  all  that  was  said  to  me,  when  I 
knew  in  my  soul  and  conscience  that  I  had  never 
failed,  —  that  was  atrocious  torture. 

"  It  is  for  you  alone  that  I  have  resisted  until 
to-day ;  it  is  for  you  alone,  my  beloved,  that  I 
have  borne  my  long  agony.  I  would  ere  this 
have  ended  this  sad  life,  if  thoughts  of  you,  if  the 
fear  of  augmenting  your  grief,  had  not  stayed  my 
hand.  Will  my  strength  hold  out  until  the  end  ? 
I  cannot  tell.  No  one  but  you  can  give  me 
courage.  It  is  your  love  alone  that  inspires  my 
fortitude. 

"  I  have  signed  my  appeal  for  a  revision.  No 
matter  what  may  become  of  me,  search  for  the 
truth ;  move  earth  and  heaven  to  discover  it. 
Sink  all  our  fortune,  if  need  be,  in  the  effort  to 
restore  my  good  name,  now  dragged  in  the  mud. 
No  matter  what  may  be  the  cost,  we  must  rid 
ourselves  of  this  unmerited  infamy. 

"  I  have  not  the  courage  to  write  more.  I  dare 
not  speak  to  you  of  the  children ;  the  thought 
of  them  rends  my  heart.     Tell  me  about  them. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  27 

May  they  be  your  consolation.      Embrace  them 
and  our  dear  relatives,  every  one,  for  me. 

Alfred. 

"Try  to  obtain  permission  to  see  me.  It 
seems  to  me  that  it  cannot  be  denied  you  now." 

On  the  same  day  my  wife  wrote  me :  — 

*•  December  23,  1894. 

"  What  wretchedness,  what  torture,  what  igno- 
miny !  We  are  all  terrified,  utterly  crushed.  I 
know  how  courageous  you  are,  you  unhappy 
martyr  !  I  beseech  you,  continue  to  endure  val- 
iantly these  new  tortures.  Our  fortune,  our 
lives,  —  all  shall  be  devoted  to  seeking  out  the 
guilty  ones.  We  will  find  them  ;  it  must  be 
done.     You  shall  be  rehabilitated. 

"  We  have  passed  together  nearly  five  years  of 
perfect  happiness  ;  let  us  Hve  in  the  remembrance 
of  them  ;  some  day  justice  will  be  done,  and  we 
shall  again  be  happy  together  and  our  children 
will  love  you  the  more.  We  shall  make  of  your 
son  a  man  like  yourself;  I  could  not  choose  a 
better  example  for  him. 


28  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

"  I  hope  I  shall  be  permitted  to  see  you.  In 
any  event,  be  certain  of  one  thing,  —  I  shall  fol- 
low, no  matter  how  far  away  they  may  send  you. 
I  do  not  know  if  the  law  allows  me  to  accompany 
you,  but  it  cannot  prevent  my  joining  you,  and  I 
shall  do  so. 

"  Once  again,  be  brave ;  you  must  live  for  our 
children  and  for  me."  .  .  . 

December  23,  evening. 

"  I  have  just  had,  in  the  midst  of  my  immense 
sorrow,  the  joy  of  receiving  news  from  you  and 
of  hearing  Maitre  Demange  speak  in  terms  so 
warm  and  heartfelt  that  my  poor  heart  has  been 
comforted. 

"  You  know  how  much  I  love  you,  my  dear 
husband.  Our  great  unhappiness,  the  infamy  and 
disgrace  of  which  we  are  the  victims,  only  bind 
closer  the  ties  of  our  affection. 

"  Wherever  you  go,  wherever  they  send  you,  I 
will  follow ;  together  we  shall  endure  more  easily 
our  exile.  We  shall  live  each  for  the  other.  .  .  . 
We  shall  bring  up  our  children  and  give  them 
souls  well  tempered  against  the  vicissitudes  of  life. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  29 

"  I  cannot  go  on  without  you  ;  you  are  my  com- 
fort. The  only  hope  of  happiness  which  remains 
to  me  is  to  end  my  life  beside  you.  You  are  a 
martyr  and  you  have  still  to  suffer  the  infliction  of 
a  hateful  punishment.  Promise  me  that  you  will 
endure  it  with  courage. 

"  You  are  strong  in  your  innocence.  Imagine 
that  some  other  than  yourself  is  suffering  the  dis- 
grace. Accept  the  undeserved  punishment.  Do 
it  for  me,  for  your  wife,  who  thinks  only  of  you. 
Give  me  this  testimony  of  your  affection.  Do  it 
for  our  children.  Some  day  they  will  bless  you 
for  it.  They  embrace  you  and  ask  often  for 
their  father,  —  poor  little  ones.   .  .  . 

UCIE. 

It  was  without  hope  that  I  had  signed  my  ap- 
peal for  a  new  trial  before  the  Military  Court  of 
Appeal.  Revision  could  be  demanded  of  this  tri- 
bunal only  on  the  ground  of  flaws  in  the  legal 
formalities  of  the  Court  Martial  that  had  con- 
demned me.  I  was  not  then  aware  that  the  con- 
viction had  been  illegally  procured ;  I  learned  of 
it  only  in  1899. 


30  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

The  days  passed  in  anguish  and  suspense  ;  I 
was  tossed  to  and  fro  between  my  duty  and  the 
horror  with  which  a  punishment  as  disgraceful  as 
it  was  undeserved  inspired  me.  My  wife,  who 
had  been  unable  as  yet  to  obtain  permission  to 
see  me,  wrote  long  letters  encouraging  me  to  sup- 
port the  coming  frightful  ordeal  of  the  military 
degradation. 

"December  24,  1894. 

"  I  suffer  beyond  all  that  can  be  imagined  from 
the  horrid  tortures  you  are  undergoing;  my 
thoughts  do  not  leave  you  for  a  moment.  I  see 
you  alone  in  your  prison,  a  prey  to  the  gloomiest 
thoughts  ;  I  compare  our  years  of  happiness,  the 
dear  days  we  have  passed  together,  with  this 
present  time.  How  happy  we  were ;  how  good 
and  devoted  you  have  been  to  me !  With  what 
beautiful  devotion  you  cared  for  me  when  I 
was  ill ;  what  a  father  you  were  to  our  little  ones  ! 
All  this  passes  and  repasses  before  my  mind ;  I 
am  wretched  not  to  have  you  near  me,  to  feel  that 
we  are  separated.  Dear  heart !  it  must  be,  it  must 
absolutely  be,  that  we  shall  find  ourselves  together 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  31 

again,  that  we  shall  live  each  for  the  other,  for  we 
cannot  exist  apart.  It  must  be  that  you  will  re- 
sign yourself  to  everything,  that  you  will  endure 
the  terrible  trials  which  await  you,  that  you  will  be 
steadfast  and  proud  in  misfortune." 

"  December  25. 

"  I  weep  and  weep,  and  cannot  cease  weeping. 
Your  letters  alone  bear  comfort  to  me  in  the  ex- 
tremity of  my  grief;  alone  they  uphold  and  con- 
sole me.  Live  for  me,  I  beseech  you,  dear  heart. 
Summon  all  your  strength  and  determination. 
Together  we  will  maintain  the  struggle  till  the 
guilty  one  is  found.  What  will  become  of  me 
without  you  ?  Nothing  else  binds  me  to  the 
world.  I  should  die  of  grief  if  I  had  not  the  hope 
of  finding  myself  near  you  once  again  and  passing 
long  happy  years  of  the  future  at  your  side.  .  .  . 

"  Our  children  are  delightful.  Your  poor  little 
Pierre  asks  for  you  so  often,  and  I  can  answer 
him  only  by  my  tears.  Again  this  morning  he 
asked  if  you  would  come  back  to-night.  *  I 
am  so  tired  of  waiting  for  my  papa,'  he  said  to 


32  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

me.  Jeanne  is  changing  wonderfully ;  she  talks 
so  much  better,  makes  sentences,  and  is  growing 
prettier.  Courage;  you  shall  have  us  all  back 
some  day." 

"December  26,  1894. 
"  I  went  myself  to  bring  your  things  to  the 
prison.  When  I  entered  the  place  where  you  are 
undergoing  your  martyrdom,  I  felt  better  for  a 
moment  at  the  thought  of  being  nearer  to  you. 
I  should  have  liked  to  break  through  the  cold 
walls  that  separated  us,  that  I  might  see  and  em- 
brace you.  Unhappily  there  are  obstacles  before 
which  the  spirit  is  powerless,  situations  which 
neither  physical  nor  moral  strength  can  master.  I 
am  waiting  very  impatiently  for  the  moment  when 
they  will  permit  us  to  throw  ourselves  into  each 
other's  arms.  ...  I  ask  of  you  the  sacrifice  of 
living  for  me,  for  our  children,  and  to  struggle 
until  you  are  rehabilitated.  ...  I  should  die  of 
grief  if  you  were  to  die ;  I  should  not  have  the 
strength  to  keep  up  a  battle  in  which  you  only  of 
all  the  world  can  strengthen  me." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  33 

"December  27,  1894. 

"  I  never  weary  of  writing  and  talking  to  you. 
These  are  my  only  good  moments ;  I  can  only  do 
that  and  weep.  Your  letters  do  me  so  much  good. 
I  bless  you  for  them.  Continue  to  spoil  me.  I 
shall  give  the  children  playthings  as  coming  from 
you,  yet  they  do  not  need  these  to  make  them 
think  of  you.  You  were  so  good  to  them  that  the 
little  ones  do  not  forget  you.  Pierre  always  asks 
after  you,  and  in  the  morning  they  both  come  to 
my  room  to  look  at  your  picture.  .  .  .  Poor  boy, 
how  you  must  suffer  not  to  see  them  !  But  be  of 
good  cheer;  the  day  will  come  when  we  shall  be 
all  together,  all  happy,  and  you  shall  be  able  to 
be  with  and  caress  them  again. 

"  I  beseech  you  not  to  worry  about  what  the 
public  thinks.  You  know  how  opinions  change. 
.  .  .  Let  it  be  enough  for  you  to  know  that  all 
your  friends,  all  those  who  know  you,  are  on  your 
side.  Many  intelligent  persons  realize  that  there 
is  a  mystery  and  are  trying  to  unravel  it." 


34  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"December  31,    1894. 

"  I  see  that  you  have  renewed  your  courage. 
By  so  doing  you  have  given  some  of  it  to  me. 
.  .  .  Undergo  bravely  the  bitter  ordeal.  Hold 
up  your  head  and  cry  aloud  your  innocence  in 
the  face  of  your  executioners. 

"  Once  this  horrible  punishment  is  over,  I  shall 
devote  to  you  all  my  love  and  tenderness  and 
gratitude,  to  help  you  to  undergo  what  remains. 
A  man  whose  conscience  is  absolutely  clear  and 
who  is  strengthened  by  the  conviction  that  he  has 
always,  at  all  times,  done  his  duty,  cannot  but 
have  hope  in  the  future.  Such  a  man  is  able  to 
endure  all  things.  ... 

Lucie." 

On  the  31st  of  December,  1894, 1  learned  that 
my  appeal  for  a  new  trial  had  been  refused. 

That  very  evening.  Commandant  du  Paty  de 
Clam  presented  himself  at  the  prison.  He  came 
to  question  me  once  more,  and  to  ask  if  I  had  not 
committed  an  acte  d'amor^age^  some  imprudent 
deed,  some  action  for  drawing  others  on.      My 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  35 

only  answer  was  to  protest,  with  the  same  energy 
as  ever,  that  I  was  innocent. 

As  soon  as  he  was  gone,  I  wrote  the  following 
letter  to  the  Minister  of  War  :  — 

"  Monsieur  le  Ministre,  — 

"  I  have  received  the  call  you  have  ordered 
Commandant  du  Paty  de  Clam  to  make  on  me, 
and  have  again  told  him  that  I  am  innocent,  and 
that  I  have  never  committed  the  slightest  im- 
prudence of  any  sort.  I  am  condemned.  I 
have  no  favors  of  any  kind  to  ask.  But,  in  the 
name  of  my  honor,  which  I  hope  will  be  given 
back  to  me  some  day,  it  is  my  duty  to  ask  you  to 
continue  your  researches.  After  my  departure  let 
the  search  continue;  that  is  the  only  favor  I  solicit." 

I  next  wrote  to  Maitre  Demange  to  give  him 

an  account  of  the  visit. 

I  had  already  informed  my  wife  that  my  petition 

was  refused. 

*•  Monday,  December  31,  1894. 

"  My  dear  Lucie, — 

"  My  appeal  is  rejected,  as  might  have  been 
expected.  I  have  just  been  told  of  it.  Ask  im- 
mediately for  permission  to  see  me.   .  .  . 


36  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"  The  cruel  and  horrible  anguish  is  approach- 
ing. I  am  going  to  meet  it  with  the  dignity 
of  a  pure  conscience.  To  tell  you  that  I  do 
not  suffer  would  be  to  lie;  but  I  shall  not 
weaken.  .  .  .  Alfred." 

My  wife  answered  :  — 

**  January  i,  1895. 

"  I  sent  yesterday  afternoon  to  the  Office  of 
the  Military  Governor  of  Paris  my  request;  the 
reply  has  been  waited  for  in  vain.  .  .  .  If  my 
permit  to  see  you  will  only  come  to-morrow! 
What  reason  can  they  have  for  refusing  it  now, 
except  cruelty  and  barbarity  ?  .  .  . 

"  My  poor  husband  !  To  have  a  noble  soul 
like  yours,  with  such  feelings  of  lofty  patriotism, 
and  then  to  see  yourself  fiercely  tortured  and 
compelled,  though  innocent,  to  pay  the  penalty 
for  the  coward  who  hides  himself  behind  his  in- 
famy. If  there  is  such  a  thing  as  justice,  it  must 
surely  be  that  the  traitor  will  be  discovered  and 
the  truth  known  some  day.  .  .  .         Lucie." 

At  last  my  wife  was  allowed  to  see  me.  The 
interview  took  place  in  the  prison  parlor.     It  was 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  37 

a  dark  room,  divided  in  the  middle  by  two  paral- 
lel latticed  gratings.  On  the  further  side  of  one 
of  these  gratings  stood  my  wife,  while  I  was  forced 
to  remain  behind  the  second  grating. 

It  was  under  such  painful  conditions  that,  after 
so  many  sorrowful  weeks,  we  looked  into  each 
other's  eyes.  I  was  unable  to  embrace  her,  to 
hold  her  in  my  arms;  we  had  to  talk  at  a  dis- 
tance. Yet  how  great  was  my  joy  at  seeing  again 
her  beloved  face !  .  .  .  I  tried  to  read  it  and  to 
decipher  the  traces  left  there  by  suffering  and 
grief  .  .  . 

When  she  had  gone,  unable  to  resist  the  desire 
to  talk  with  her  again,  I  wrote  her  as  follows :  — 

Wednesday,  5  o'clock. 

"My    Darling, — 

"  I  must  write  these  few  words,  that  you  may 
find   them  to-morrow  on  awakening. 

"  Our  talk,  even  through  the  prison  bars,  has 
done  me  good.  Such  was  my  emotion  when  we 
parted  that'  my  trembling  knees  would  barely 
sustain  me.  Even  now,  my  hand  is  far  from 
steady,  that  interview  has  so  shaken  me !     If  I 


38  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

did  not  insist  that  you  should  stay  longer,  it  was 
because  I  had  reached  the  limit  of  my  self-con- 
trol and  was  obliged  to  go  away  to  hide  my  tears. 
Do  not  infer  from  this  that  my  soul  is  the  less 
strong.  It  is  only  that  my  body  is  somewhat 
weakened  by  the  three  months  of  imprison- 
ment. 

"  What  has  done  me  the  most  good  is  to  feel 
that  you  are  so  courageous,  so  full  of  affection  for 
me.  Keep  up,  my  dear  wife.  Let  us  compel  the 
respect  of  the  world  by  our  attitude.  As  to  me, 
you  must  have  felt  that  I  am  ready  for  every- 
thing. I  want  my  honor  and  will  have  it !  No 
obstacle  can  stop  me. 

"  Express  my  thanks  to  every  one.  Thank 
Maitre  Demange  for  all  he  has  done  for  an  in- 
nocent man.  Tell  him  what  infinite  gratitude  I 
have  for  him ;  I  have  been  unable  to  express  it 
myself.     Tell  him  I   look  forward  to  his  help  in 

the  coming  fight  for  my  honor. 

Alfred." 

The  first  interview  had  taken  place  in  the  par- 
lor of  the  prison.     The  circumstances  gave  it  so 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  39 

tragic  a  character  that  Commandant  Forzinetti 
asked  and  obtained  permission  to  let  me  see  my 
wife  in  his  own  office,  in  his  presence. 

Lucie  came  to  see  me  a  second  time ;  it  was 
then  I  gave  her  the  promise  to  Hve  and  to  face 
with  courage  the  agony  of  that  terrible  ceremony 
which  awaited  me. 

I  also  saw  for  a  few  moments  my  brother 
Mathieu,  whose  admirable  devotion  I  knew. 
On  Thursday,  the  3d  of  January,  1895,  I  learned 
that  the  degradation  was  set  for  the  5th. 

"  Thursday  morning. 

"My  Dearest, — 

"  I  am  told  that  the  culminating  humiliation 
is  set  for  the  day  after  to-morrow.  I  had  been 
looking  for  that  news.  I  was  prepared  for  it ; 
but  the  blow  was  terrible,  nevertheless.  I  shall 
endure  it,  as  I  promised  you  I  would.  I  shall 
draw  the  force  I  need  for  that  awful  day  from 
the  deep  well  of  your  love,  from  the  affection  of 
you  all,  from  the  memory  of  our  little  ones,  from 
the  supreme  hope  that  some  day  the  truth  will  be 


40  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

known.  But  on  every  side  I  need  the  warmth 
of  the  affection  that  you  all  bear  me ;  I  must  feel 
that  you  are  struggling  with  me.  Search  always ; 
let  there  be  no  cessation,  no  falterings. 

Alfred." 

[The  following  note  by  Commandant  Forzinetti,  the  head  of 
.'he  Cherche-Midi  Prison,  shows  Captain  Dreyfus  as  he  appeared 
to  unprejudiced  eyes  during  the  trying  times  of  his  indictment 
and  conviction.     Editor's  Note.] 

CAPTAIN    DREYFUS    AT    THE    CHERCHE- 
MIDI    PRISON 

On  October  14,  1894,  I  received  a  secret  message 
from  the  Minister  of  War  informing  me  that  on  the 
morrow,  at  7  p.m.,  a  superior  officer  would  arrive  at  the 
prison  to  make  a  confidential  communication.  Lieu- 
tenant Colonel  d'Aboville  arrived  in  the  morning  and 
handed  me  a  message  dated  the  14th,  informing  me 
that  Captain  Dreyfus  of  the  Fourteenth  Artillery,  pro- 
bationer on  the  General  Staff,  would  be  incarcerated 
in  the  morning,  charged  with  the  crime  of  high  treason, 
and  that  I  was  to  be  held  responsible  for  him.  Colonel 
d'Aboville  asked  me  to  give  him  my  word  of  honor  to 
execute    the    orders,   both    verbal    and    written,  of  the 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  41 

Minister.  One  of  the  communications  ordered  me  to 
place  the  prisoner  in  the  most  complete  secrecy,  and  not 
to  allow  him  to  have  by  him  either  paper,  ink,  pens, 
penknife,  or  pencil.  He  was  likewise  to  be  fed  like 
an  ordinary  criminal ;  but  this  measure  was  annulled 
later  on,  as  I  pointed  out  that  it  was  irregular.  The 
Colonel  ordered  me  to  take  whatever  precautions  I  might 
think  necessary  for  keeping  the  fact  of  Captain  Dreyfus' 
presence  there  secret.  He  asked  me  to  visit  the  apart- 
ments destined  for  officers  at  the  prison,  and  select  the 
room  to  be  occupied  by  Captain  Dreyfus.  He  put  me 
on  my  guard  against  the  probable  efforts  of  the  "  upper 
Jewdom  "  as  soon  as  they  should  hear  of  the  imprison- 
ment. I  saw  no  one,  and  no  such  efforts  were  made,  in 
my  case,  at  all  events.  I  may  add  that  all  the  time  the 
prisoner  was  in  the  Cherche-Midi  Prison  I  never  entered 
or  remained  in  his  cell  without  being  accompanied  by 
the  chief  military  police  officer  at  the  prison,  who  alone 
had  the  key  in  his  possession. 

Toward  noon.  Captain  Dreyfus  arrived,  in  civilian 
clothes,  accompanied  by  Commandant  Henry  and  an 
agent  of  the  secret  police.  Commandant  Henry  gave  the 
order  of  imprisonment,  which  was  signed  by  the  Minister 
himself,  and  the  fact  that  it  was  dated  the  14th  proves 
that  the  arrest  had  been  decided  upon  before  the  Captain 


42  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY    LIFE 

had  been  called  to  the  Ministry  of  War  and  charged 
with  the  crime  of  high  treason. 

The  chief  military  police  officer  of  the  prison,  to 
whom  I  had  given  my  instructions,  took  the  Captain  to 
the  cell  which  had  been  selected  for  him. 

From  that  moment  Dreyfus  was  entombed  alive  be- 
tween its  four  walls,  —  no  one  could  see  him.  The  door 
of  his  cell  could  be  opened  only  in  my  presence  during 
the  entire  length  of  his  stay  in  the  Cherche-Midi  Prison. 

Shortly  afterward  I  went  to  see  Captain  Dreyfus. 
He  was  in  a  state  of  extraordinary  excitement.  He 
looked  like  a  madman ;  his  eyes  were  bloodshot,  and  the 
things  in  his  room  had  been  upset.  I  had  great  difficulty 
in  calming  him.  I  had  then  the  intuition  that  this  officer 
was  innocent.  He  begged  me  to  give  him  writing  mate- 
rials, or  to  write  myself,  to  ask  the  Minister  of  War  for 
an  audience,  either  of  him  or  of  one  of  the  Staff  officers. 

He  told  me  the  details  of  his  arrest,  which  were 
neither  dignified  nor  military. 

Between  the  i8th  and  the  24th  of  October,  Major  du 
Paty  de  Clam,  who  had  arrested  Dreyfus  at  the  War 
Office,  came  twice  with  a  special  authorization  from  the 
Minister  to  examine  him.  Before  seeing  Dreyfus  he 
asked  me  if  he  could  not  enter  his  cell  softly,  carrying  a 
lamp  powerful  enough  to  throw  a  blaze  of  light  on  the 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  43 

face  of  the  prisoner,  whom  he  wished  to  surprise  and 
embarrass.  I  said  this  was  impossible.  He  had  two 
sittings  with  him,  and  each  time  dictated  to  him  passages 
from  the  incriminating  document,  with  the  object  of 
comparing  the  handwriting. 

Captain  Dreyfus  was  still  frightfully  excited.  From 
the  corridor  he  was  heard  to  groan,  to  talk  in  loud  tones, 
and  to  protest  his  innocence.  He  struck  against  the 
furniture  and  the  walls,  and  appeared  not  to  know  when 
he  had  injured  himself.  He  had  not  a  moment's  rest, 
for  when,  overcome  by  his  sufferings,  he  flung  himself, 
dressed,  upon  the  bed,  his  sleep  was  haunted  by  horrible 
nightmares.  In  fact,  he  struggled  so  in  his  sleep  that  he 
often  fell  out  of  bed.  During  these  nine  days  of  agony 
he  took  nothing  but  beef-tea  and  sweetened  wine.  On 
the  morning  of  the  24th  his  mental  state,  bordering  on 
madness,  appeared  to  me  so  grave  that,  anxious  as  to  mv 
own  responsibility,  I  made  a  report  to  the  Minister  as 
well  as  to  the  Governor  of  Paris.  In  the  afternoon  I 
went  to  see  General  de  BoisdefFre,  having  been  ordered 
to  do  so,  and  accompanied  him  to  the  Minister.  In 
response  to  the  General's  question  I  replied  unhesi- 
tatingly :  "  You  are  off  the  track ;  this  officer  is  not 
guilty."  This  was  my  conviction  then,  and  it  has  only 
been  confirmed  since. 


44  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

The  General  went  in  alone  to  see  the  Minister,  but 
came  out  shortly  afterward,  looking  much  annoyed, 
and  said:  "The  Minister  is  ofF  to  his  niece's  wedding, 
and  leaves  me  carte  blanche.  Try  to  manage  with 
Dreyfus  until  he  gets  back ;  then  he  will  deal  with 
the  question  himself."  I  was  inclined  to  think  that 
General  de  BoisdefFre  had  nothing  to  do  with  the  arrest, 
or  that  he  did  not  approve  of  it.  The  General,  never- 
theless, ordered  me  to  have  the  Captain  secretly  visited 
by  the  prison  doctor,  who  prescribed  calming  potions 
and  recommended  that  constant  watch  be  kept  over  him. 

From  the  27th  on.  Major  du  Paty  de  Clam  came 
almost  daily  to  examine  him  and  to  obtain  copies  of  his 
handwriting,  his  one  object  now  being  to  obtain  from 
Dreyfus  a  confession,  a  procedure  against  which  Drey- 
fus constantly  protested.  Up  to  the  day  when  the  poor 
man  was  handed  over  to  the  Judge  Reporter  of  the 
Court  Martial,  he  knew  that  he  was  accused  of  high 
treason,  but  had  no  idea  of  the  specific  nature  of  the 
charge.  The  preparation  of  the  indictment  was  long 
and  minute,  and  all  the  while  Dreyfus  so  little  believed 
that  he  would  be  sent  up  for  trial,  much  less  con- 
demned, that  more  than  once  he  said :  — 

"What  redress  shall  I  ask  for?  I  shall  solicit  a 
decoration,  and  resign.     This  is  what  I  said  to  Major 


k 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  45 

du  Paty,  who  put  it  into  his  report.  He  could  not  find 
a  single  proof  against  me,  for  there  can  be  none,  any 
more  than  could  the  Reporter,  who  proceeds  by  induc- 
tions and  suppositions,  without  saying  anything  precise 
or  definite." 

A  few  moments  before  appearing  in  Court  he  said, 
"I  hope  that  finally  my  martyrdom  is  to  end,  and  that 
I  shall  soon  be  back  in  the  bosom  of  my  family." 

Unfortunately  this  was  not  to  be.  After  the  verdict, 
Dreyfus  was  taken  back,  at  about  midnight,  to  his  room, 
where  I  awaited  him.  On  seeing  me  he  exclaimed: 
"  My  only  crime  is  to  have  been  born  a  Jew.  To  this 
a  life  of  work  and  toil  has  brought  me.  Great  heavens ! 
Why  did  I  enter  the  War  School  ?  Why  did  n't  I  re- 
sign, as  my  people  wished  ? "  Such  was  his  despair 
that,  fearing  a  fatal  ending,  I  had  to  redouble  my 
vigilance. 

On  the  morrow  his  counsel  came  to  see  him.  On 
entering  the  room,  Mattre  Demange  opened  his  arms  and, 
in  tears,  embracing  him,  said,  "  My  poor  boy,  your  con- 
demnation is  the  greatest  infamy  of  the  century."  I  was 
quite  upset.  From  this  day  on,  Dreyfus,  who  had  heard 
nothing  from  his  family,  was  authorized  to  correspond 
with  them,  but  under  the  supervision  of  the  Judge 
Advocate.     I   was  present   at  the  only  two  interviews 


46  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

which  he  had  with  his  wife,  and  at  that  with  his  mother- 
in-law;  they  were  affecting. 

After  Dreyfus'  appeal,  Major  du  Paty  came  back 
with  a  special  authorization  from  the  Minister  allowing 
him  free  communication  with  Dreyfus.  After  having 
inquired  as  to  the  prisoner's  "etat  d'ame,"  he  went 
into  his  room,  ordering  the  chief  policeman  of  the  prison 
service  to  remain  within  call,  in  case  of  necessity.  In 
this  last  interview,  as  is  shown  by  a  letter  written  im- 
mediately by  Dreyfus  to  the  Minister  of  War,  Major 
du  Paty  sought  to  obtain  a  confession  of  guilt,  or  at 
least  of  an  imprudent  act^  of  laying  a  trap.  Dreyfus 
replied  that  never  had  he  made  any  such  attempt,  and 
that  he  was  innocent. 

On  the  4th  of  January,  1895,  I  was  relieved  of  the 
heavy  responsibility  that  had  been  laid  upon  me.  After 
having  shaken  hands  with  Captain  Dreyfus,  I  handed 
him  over  to  the  gendarmes,  who  led  him  away,  hand- 
cuffed, to  the  Military  School,  where  he  underwent, 
while  proclaiming  his  innocence,  the  degradation,  —  a 
torture  more  terrible  than  death  or  exile.  I  have  had 
to  fulfil  a  mission  that  was  extremely  painful,  having 
lived,  so  to  speak,  for  nearly  three  months  the  very 
existence  of  this  poor  man,  for  I  had  received  formal 
orders    to   be   present    at   all    his    meals,  which    I    was 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  47 

to  watch  over  most  carefully,  lest  any  writing  reach 
him  from  outside  hidden   in  his   food. 

During  the  years  that  I  have  spent  as  the  head  of 
various  military  prisons,  I  have  acquired  a  great  experi- 
ence of  prisoners,  and  I  do  not  fear  to  say,  and  to  say 
deliberately,  that  a  terrible  mistake  has  been  made.  I 
have  never  regarded  Captain  Dreyfus  as  a  traitor  to  his 
country  and  uniform. 

From  the  very  first  my  immediate  chiefs  and  others 
knew  my  opinion.  I  affirmed  it  in  the  presence  of  high 
officials  and  political  personages,  as  well  as  of  numerous 
officers  of  every  rank,  of  journalists,  and  of  men  of  letters. 

I  will  go  even  further.  The  Government,  as  well, 
knew  my  opinion,  for  on  the  eve  of  the  ceremony  of  the 
degradation,  the  head  of  one  of  the  departments  of  the 
Home  Office  came  to  me,  sent  by  his  Minister,  M. 
Dupuy,  to  ask  me  for  information  in  regard  to  Dreyfus. 
I  made  the  same  reply.  This  official  certainly  repeated 
it  to  his  chiefs.  Now,  I  assert  that  up  to  the  5th  of  last 
November,  never  did  I  receive  from  any  of  my  chiefs 
the  slightest  intimation  or  order  to  keep  silent,  and  that 
I  have  always  continued  to  proclaim  the  innocence  of 
Dreyfus,  who  is  the  victim  either  of  an  inexplicable 
fatality,  or  of  a  machination  concocted  wittingly  and 
impossible  to  unravel. 


48  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

I  must  say  also  that  if  Dreyfus  did  not  commit  suicide, 
it  was  not  from  cowardice,  but  because  he  was  so  placed 
as  to  be  absolutely  incapable  of  doing  so,  and  because 
he  yielded  to  my  exhortations  and  the  supplications  of 
his  despairing  family.  .  .  . 

All  convictions  are  worthy  of  respect  when  they  are 
disinterested  and  sincere,  and  it  will  be  admitted  that  if 
there  are  people  convinced  of  the  guilt,  there  are  also,  as 
I  can  affirm,  a  very  great  number,  in  the  upper  civil  and 
military  circles,  who,  like  me,  —  and  to  the  same  extent, 
—  are  convinced  of  the  innocence  of  Dreyfus.  But 
fear  of  consequences  has  prevented  them  from  saying  so 
publicly.     I  have  not  cared  to  be  of  the  number. 

An  eminent  politician,  still  a  member  of  Parliament, 
whom  I  must  not  name,  said  to  me  :  — 

"  The  Dreyfus  trial  is  an  anti-Semite  trial,  grafted  upon 
a  political  trial !  " 

This  is  my  opinion. 

God  grant  that  the  poor  man,  who  is  wearing  out 
his  life  in  agony  on  a  rocky  isle,  may  one  day  be  reha- 
bilitated, for  the  honor  of  his  family,  of  his  children,  and 
also  for  the  honor  of  our  army  ! 

FORZINETTI, 

Commandant  (Retired)^  Ex- Governor  of  the 
Paris  Military  Prisons. 


THE    DEGRADATION 


THE  degradation  took  place  Saturday,  the 
5th  of  January.  I  underwent  the  hor- 
rible torture  without  weakness. 
Before  the  ceremony,  I  waited  for  an  hour  in 
the  hall  of  the  garrison  adjutant  at  the  Ecole 
Militaire,  guarded  by  the  captain  of  gendarmes, 
Lebrun-Renault.  During  these  long  minutes  I 
gathered  up  all  the  forces  of  my  being.  The 
memory  of  the  dreadful  months  which  I  had  just 
passed  came  back  to  me,  and  in  broken  sen- 
tences I  recalled  to  the  captain  the  last  visit 
which  Commandant  du  Paty  de  Clam  had  made 
me  in  my  prison.  I  protested  against  the  vile 
accusation  which  had  been  brought  against  me  ; 
I  recalled  that  I  had  written  again  to  the  Minister 
to  tell  him  of  my  innocence.  It  is  by  a  travesty 
of  these  words  that  Lebrun-Renault,  with  singu- 


50  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

lar  lack  of  conscience,  created  or  allowed  to  be 
created  that  legend  of  confession,  of  which  I 
learned  the  existence  only  in  January,  1899.  If 
they  had  spoken  to  me  about  it  before  my  de- 
parture from  France,  which  did  not  take  place 
until  February,  1895,  —  that  is,  more  than  seven 
weeks  after  the  degradation,  —  I  should  have 
tried  to  strangle  this  calumny  in  its  infancy. 

After  this  I  was  marched  to  the  centre  of  the 
square,  under  a  guard  of  four  men  and  a  corporal. 

Nine  o'clock  struck.  General  Darras,  com- 
manding the  parade,  gave  the  order  to  carry  arms. 

I  suffered  agonizingly,  but  held  myself  erect 
with  all  my  strength.  To  sustain  me  I  called 
up  the  memory  of  my  wife  and  children. 

As  soon  as  the  sentence  had  been  read  out,  I 
cried  aloud,  addressing  myself  to  the  troops : 

"  Soldiers,  they  are  degrading  an  innocent 
man.  Soldiers,  they  are  dishonoring  an  innocent 
man.     Vive  la  France,  vive  I'armee  !  " 

A  Sergeant  of  the  Republican  Guard  came  up 
to  me.  He  tore  off  rapidly  buttons,  trousers- 
stripes,    the    signs    of  my    rank    from    cap    and 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  51 

sleeves,  and  then  broke  my  sword  across  his 
knee.  I  saw  all  these  material  emblems  of  my 
honor  fall  at  my  feet.  Then,  my  whole  being 
racked  by  a  fearful  paroxysm,  but  with  body 
erect  and  head  high,  I  shouted  again  and  again 
to  the  soldiers  and  to  the  assembled  crowd  the 
cry  of  my  soul. 

"  I  am  innocent !  " 

The  parade  continued.  I  was  compelled  to 
make  the  whole  round  of  the  square.  I  heard 
the  howls  of  a  deluded  mob,  I  felt  the  thrill 
which  I  knew  must  be  running  through  those 
people,  since  they  believed  that  before  them  was 
a  convicted  traitor  to  France ;  and  I  struggled  to 
transmit  to  their  hearts  another  thrill,  —  belief  in 
my  innocence. 

The  round  of  the  square  made,  the  torture 
would  be  over,   I   believed. 

But  the  agony  of  that  long  day  was  only  be- 
ginning. 

They  tied  my  hands,  and  a  prison  van  took 
me  to  the  Depot  (Central  Prison  of  Paris),  pass- 
ing over  the  Alma  Bridge.     On  coming  to  the  end 


52  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

of  the  bridge,  I  saw  through  the  tiny  grating  of 
my  compartment  in  the  van  the  windows  of  the 
home  where  such  happy  years  of  my  life  had 
been  spent,  where  I  was  leaving  all  my  happiness 
behind  me.      My  grief  bowed  me  down. 

At  the  Central  Prison,  in  my  torn  and  stripped 
uniform,  I  was  dragged  from  hall  to  hall,  searched, 
photographed,  and  measured.  At  last,  toward 
noon,  I  was  taken  to  the  Sante  Prison  and  shut 
up  in  a  convict's  cell. 

My  wife  was  permitted  to  see  me  twice  a  week, 
in  the  private  office  of  the  Prison  Director.  The 
latter,  by  the  way,  showed  himself  strictly  just 
and  fair  during  my  whole  stay. 

Nothing  can  better  give  the  impressions  of  my 
wife  and  myself  during  the  sad  days  I  passed  in 
the  Sante  Prison  than  ,our  correspondence,  of 
which  I  give  a  few  extracts :  — 

''January   5,    1895. 

"My   Darling, — 

"  In  promising  you  to  live  until  my  name  is 
rehabilitated^  I  have  made  the  greatest  sacrifice 
that  can  be  made  by  an  honest  man.     Some  time 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  53 

when  we  are  reunited,  I  will  tell  you  what  I  have 
suffered  to-day  as  I  went  through,  one  after 
another,  those  ignominious  stations  of  my  Cal- 
vary. Again  and  again  I  wondered  to  myself, 
'Why  are  you  here  ?  What  are  you  doing  here  ? ' 
I  seemed  to  myself  to  be  the  victim  of  an  hal- 
lucination. Then,  my  torn,  dishonored  garments 
would  bring  me  brutally  back  to  reality.  The 
looks  of  hate  and  scorn  told  me,  only  too  plainly, 
why  I  was  there.  Oh,  why  could  not  my  heart 
have  been  laid  open  so  that  all  may  have  read  it, 
—  so  that  all  those  poor  people  along  my  route 
would  have  cried  out,  '  This  is  a  man  of  honor ! ' 
.  .  .  How  well  I  understand  them !  In  their 
place  I  could  not  have  restrained  my  contempt 
for  an  officer  branded  a  traitor  to  his  country. 
But,  alas  !  here  is  the  pitiful  tragedy.  There  is  a 
traitor,  but  it  is  not  I  !  "   .   .  . 

•♦January   5,    1895, 
Saturday  evening,   7  o'clock. 
"  I   have  just  had  a  spasm  of  tears  and  sobs 
with  my  whole  body  shaken  by  a  violent  chill. 
It  was  the  reaction  from  the  tortures  of  the  day. 


54  FIVE    YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

It  had  to  come.  But,  alas !  instead  of  crying  in 
your  arms,  my  head  buried  in  your  breast,  my 
sobs  have  resounded  in  the  emptiness  of  my 
prison. 

"  It  is  over.  Bear  up,  my  heart.  I  owe  my- 
self to  my  family.  I  owe  myself  to  my  name. 
I  have  not  the  right  to  give  up.  While  there  re- 
mains a  breath  of  life  I  will  struggle. 

Alfred." 

From  my  wife  :  — 

**  Saturday  evening,  January   5,    1895. 

"What  a  horrible  morning!  What  fearful 
moments !  No,  I  cannot  think  of  them ;  it 
makes  me  suffer  too  much.  My  poor  husband, 
that  you,  a  man  of  honor,  you  who  adore 
France,  who  have  so  high  a  sense  of  duty, 
should  undergo  the  most  disgraceful  punishment 
that  can  be  inflicted  on  a  Frenchman,  —  it  is 
unendurable. 

"  You  promised  me  to  be  courageous.  You 
have  kept  your  word,  and  I  bless  you  for 
it.  The  dignity  of  your  attitude  has  impressed 
many ;     and    when    the     hour    of    rehabihtation 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  55 

comes,  the  sufferings  you  have  endured  during 
these  horrible  moments  will  be  engraved  upon 
the  memories  of  men. 

"  I  should  so  much  have  wished  to  have  been 
near  you,  to  give  you  strength  and  comfort;  I 
had  so  much  hoped  to  see  you,  my  beloved  one. 
My  heart  bleeds  at  the  thought  that  my  permit 
has  not  yet  come,  and  that  I  must  perhaps  wait  a 
while  before  having  the  delight  of  clasping  you 
in  my  arms. 

"  Our  darling  children  are  very,  very  good. 
They  are  gay  and  happy.  It  is  a  comfort  in 
our  measureless  misfortune  to  have  them  so 
young  and  unconscious  of  the  events  that  sur- 
round them.  Pierre  speaks  of  you  with  such 
wistful  ardor  that  I  cannot  help  breaking  down 
sometimes.  Lucie." 

From  the  Sante  Prison  :  — 

"January  6,   1895,  Sunday,    5  o'clock. 
"  Forgive   me,   my   beloved,  if  in   my   letters 
yesterday   I   poured   out  my  grief  and    made  a 
display  of  my  torture.     I  had  to  confide  them 


56  FIVE    YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

to  some  one !  And  what  heart  is  better  pre- 
pared than  yours  to  receive  the  outpouring  of 
my  grief?  ...  It  is  your  love  that  gives  me  cour- 
age to  Hve.  I  must  feel  the  thrill  of  your  love 
close  to  my  heart. 

"  Courage,  then,  my  darhng.  Do  not  think  too 
much  of  me ;  you  have  other  duties  to  fulfil. 
They  are  heavy,  but  I  know  that  if  you  do  not 
let  yourself  be  cast  down,  if  you  preserve  your 
strength,  you  will  discharge  them  all. 

"  You  must  therefore  struggle  against  yourself, 
summon  up  all  your  energy,  think  only  of  your 
duties.  .  .  .  Alfred." 

From  my  wife  :  — 

•*  Sunday,  January  6,    1895. 

"  I  am  greatly  distressed  at  not  having  yet  re- 
ceived news  from  you.  I  am  anxious  to  know 
how  you  bore  up  under  those  fearful  moments. 

"  Your  two  letters  have  just  come  ;  they  are  so 
consoling.  I  feel  in  them  all  your  rectitude  and 
tenderness  of  heart.  You  spoil  me,  and  I  thank 
you  for  it.     I  must  not  tell  you  how  the  thought 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  57 

of  this  last  ordeal  has  tormented  me,  and  what 
excruciating  pangs  I  have  felt  at  the  thought  of 
you.  My  God  !  what  a  life !  I  expected  you 
to  have  that  moment  of  reaction,  an  uncontrol- 
lable spasm  of  grief;  I  am  sure  that  it  has  done 
you  good  to  weep.  Poor  boy !  We  were  so 
happy,  we  lived  so  peacefully,  and  only  for  each 
other.  We  thought  but  of  the  happiness  of  our 
parents  and  children.  If  only  I  could  be  with 
you,  remaining  in  your  cell  and  living  your  life, 
I  should  be  almost  happy.  I  should  at  least 
have  the  great  solace  of  helping  to  comfort  you 
a  little.  My  boundless  affection  would  console 
you,  and  I  would  surround  you  with  every  care 
a  loving  wife  can  bestow.  But  I  beseech  you, 
keep  up  your  courage ;  do  not  allow  yourself  to 
be  cast  down." 

**  Monday,  January  7,    1895. 

"My  first  concern  as  soon  as  I  rise  is  to  come 
and  talk  with  you  for  a  little  and  try  to  send  a 
wee  ray  of  warmth  into  your  gloomy  cell.  I  suf- 
fer so  much  at  knowing  that  while  you  are  so  un- 
happy, I  am  unable  to  comfort  you.      Everything 


58  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

about,  and  all  that  passes  before  me,  which  is  not 
of  you,  is  to  me  as  if  it  did  not  exist. 

"  I  can  think  but  of  you  ;  I  wish  to  live  only 
for  you  and  in  the  hope  of  being  with  you  soon 
again. 

"  Ah,  if  I  could  but  see  you,  remain  with  and 
help  you  to  forget  a  little  our  adversity !  What 
would  I  not  give  for  that !  " 

**  January  7,   evening, 

"  What  can  I  say  but  that  I  think  only  of  you, 
that  I  speak  only  of  you,  that  all  my  soul  and  all 
my  mind  reach  out  to  you.  Do  not  let  grief  de- 
stroy you,  but  bend  all  your  force  of  character  to 
retain  your  health.  .  .  . 

"  We  all  are  convinced  there  is  no  error  but 
will  be  discovered  some  day ;  that  the  guilty 
one  will  be  found,  and  our  efforts  crowned  with 
success.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

From  the  Prison  of  the  Sante :  — 

"  Tuesday,  January  8. 

"  ...  In  the  moments  of  my  deepest  sad- 
ness,  in   my   moments   of  violent    crisis,  a    star 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  59 

comes  suddenly  to  shine  upon  my  mind  and  beam 

upon  me.     It  is  your  image,  my  darling.     With 

your  face  before  me,  I  shall  find  patience  to  wait 

till  they  give  me  back  my  honor. 

Alfred." 
From  my  wife:  — 

'•Tuesday,  January   8,    1895. 

"  Wildly  agitated  at  having  no  news  from  you, 
I  passed  a  miserable  night.  This  morning  I  re- 
ceived your  dear  letter  of  Saturday,  and  it  has 
done  me  good.  I  do  not  at  all  understand 
how  your  letters  take  so  long  a  time  to  reach 
me.   .   .  . 

"  I  have  just  received  permission  to  see  you 
Wednesday  and  Friday  at  2  p.m.  Think  how 
happy  I  am.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

From  the  Sante  Prison  :  — 

"Wednesday,  January  9,   1895. 

"My  Good   Darling, — 

"  Truly,  as  I  keep  thinking  of  it  again,  I 
wonder  how  I  could  have  dared  to  promise  you 
to  live  on  after  my  condemnation.  That  day, 
that  Saturday,  is  stamped  into  my  mind  in  burn- 


6o  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

ing  letters.  I  have  the  courage  of  the  soldier  who 
goes  forward  gladly  to  meet  death  face  to  face ; 
but,  alas !  have  I  the  soul  of  the  martyr  ?  .  .  . 
"  It  is  because  I  hope,  that  I  live ;  because  I  am 
convinced  that  it  is  impossible  the  truth  will  not 
some  day  be  made  clear,  .  .  .  because  I  believe 
my  innocence  will  be  recognized." 

**  Thursday,  January  io,  1895. 
"  Since  two  o'clock  this  morning  I  have  been 
unable  to  close  my  eyes  for  the  thought  that  to- 
day I  should  see  you.  It  seems  that  even  now  I 
hear  your  sweet  voice  speaking  to  me  of  my  dear 
children,  of  our  dear  families,  and  I  am  not 
ashamed  to  weep,  for  the  torture  that  I  endure 
is  too  cruel  for  an  innocent  man. 

Alfred." 
From  my  wife  :  — 

'•Thursday,  January    10,    1895. 

"  Yesterday  evening  I  received  your  Tuesday's 
letter  and  read  and  re-read  it.  I  wept  alone  in 
my  chamber,  and  this  morning  again  when  I 
awoke.      Last    night    I    had    a    calmer  sleep ;    I 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  6i 

dreamed  we  were  talking  together.     But  what  an 
awakening  !  Lucie," 

From  the  Sante  Prison  :  — 

**  Friday,  January   il,   1895. 

"Forgive  me  if  I  sometimes  complain.  How 
can  I  help  it  ?  At  times  my  heart  is  so  swollen 
with  grief  that  I  must  pour  its  overflow  into 
your  heart.  We  have  always  understood  one  an- 
other so  well  that  I  am  sure  your  strong  and 
generous  heart  throbs  with  the  same  indignation 
as  mine.  .  .  . 

"  I  can  well  excuse  this  rage  of  a  patriotic  peo- 
ple who  have  been  told  that  there  is  a  traitor,  .  .  . 
but  I  want  to  live  that  they  may  know  that  traitor 
is  not  I. 

*'  Upheld  by  your  love,  by  the  devotion  of  our 
entire  family,  I  shall  overcome  fate.  I  do  not 
say  that  I  shall  not  have  moments  of  despond- 
ency, perhaps  absolute  despair.  .  .  .  But  I  shall 
live,  my  adored  one,  because  I  want  you  to  bear 
my  name,  as  you  have  borne  it  until  now,  with 
honor,  joy,  and  love ;  and  because  I  want  to 
transmit  it  stainless  to  our  children. 


62  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

"  Do  not  be  weakened  in  your  purpose  by  ad- 
versity.    Search  ever  for  the  truth.  .  .  . 

Alfred.' 
From  my  wife  :  — 

"Friday,  January  ii,  1895. 
"  How  glad  I  am  to  have  passed  a  few  minutes 
with  you,  and  how  short  they  seem  to  me  !  I 
was  so  moved  that  I  could  not  speak  to  you  as  I 
had  wished,  and  exhort  you  to  have  courage.  My 
dearest  one,  did  I  tell  you  what  I  think  of  you, 
how  much  I  love  and  admire  you,  and  the  grati- 
tude I  feel  for  the  heroism  with  which  you  are 
enduring  this  moral,  mental,  and  physical  torture  ? 
How  I  appreciate  your  doing  it  for  my  sake  and 
that  of  our  children  !  I  am  remorseful  at  not 
having  spoken  enough  of  the  hope  we  have  of 
discovering  the  truth ;  we  are  absolutely  convinced 
that  we  shall  succeed  in  doing  it.  To  tell  you 
when  that  will  be  is  impossible,  but  have  patience 
and  never  despair,  for,  as  I  told  you  a  while  ago, 
we  have  but  one  thought  from  morning  to  even- 
ing, and  during  the  sleepless  hours  of  the  night 
we  rack  our  brains  to  find  some  sign,  some  guid- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  53 

ing  thread  which  will  help  us  to  find  the  infamous 
wretch  who  has  destroyed  our  good  name. 

"  Do  not  be  uneasy  about  your  children  ;  they 
are  both  of  them  stout  little  hearts."  .  .  . 

"Saturday,  January   12,  1895. 

"  I  am  thrilled  still  by  yesterday's  interview  ;  I 
was  deeply  moved  in  seeing  and  talking  with  you, 
and  experienced  such  joy  that  I  have  been  unable 
to  close  my  eyes  all  the  night  long.  It  is  won- 
derful that,  in  spite  of  your  sufferings,  you  should 
keep  up  your  courage.  Yes,  we  must  hope  the 
day  is  soon  coming  when  your  innocence  shall  be 
recognized,  when  France  shall  acknowledge  her 
error  and  see  in  you  one  of  her  noblest  sons. 

"  You  shall  yet  know  happiness  ;  we  shall  pass 
happy  years  together,  and  you  who  were  making 
so  many  plans,  and  dreamed  of  making  your  son  a 
man,  shall  still  have  this  joy.  Your  little  Pierre 
is  very  good,  and  his  sister  is  pretty  as  well  as 
good.  I  was  always  strict  with  them,  you  remem- 
ber, but  I  confess  that  now,  while  demanding  their 
obedience,  I  rarely  can  resist  indulging  them.     Let 


64  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

the  poor  little  things  profit  by  it  before  learning 
the  tribulations  of  life."  .  .  . 

"Sunday,  January   13,    1895. 

"What  patience  and  courage  you  have,  to  bear 
up  under  these  continued  humiliations  !  I  am 
proud  to  bear  your  name,  and  when  the  children 
are  old  enough,  they  will  understand  as  I  do  that 
you  have  endured  this  interminable  harrowing 
agony  for  their  sake." 

**  Monday,  January   14,    1895. 

"What  a  pity  the  minutes  of  our  meeting,  so 
short  and  so  longed-for,  should  be  already  past ! 
How  protracted  the  minutes  of  weariness  are,  but 
how  quickly  the  happy  ones  fly  !  This  interview, 
like  the  first  one,  passed  away  like  a  dream ;  I 
went  to  the  prison  with  the  joy  of  expectancy,  and 
came  back  very  sad.  The  sight  of  you  has  done 
me  good;  I  could  not  cease  looking  at  and  listen- 
ing to  you  ;  but  it  is  horrible  to  have  to  leave  you 
alone  in  your  bare  cell,  a  prey  to  such  fearful 
mental   torture,  undeserved.  .  .  . 

Lucie." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  65 

For  a  time  after  this,  my  wife,  worn  out  by 
this  uninterrupted  succession  of  violent  emotions, 
was  obliged  to  keep  her  bed. 

**  Wednesday,  January   18,    1895. 

"  What  a  sad  day  I  am  passing,  worse  than  the 
others,  if  that  were  possible,  for  the  one  shadow 
of  happiness  that  is  granted  us  has  been  refused 
me  to-day.  I  have  been  able  to  rise,  but  I  am 
not  yet  strong  enough  to  go  out.  And  in  spite 
of  my  yearning  to  see  and  embrace  you,  the 
doctor,  fearing  I  might  take  cold,  insisted  that 
I  should  keep  my  room  to-day  and  to-morrow. 
This  filled  me  with  grief,  and  I  must  confess  to 
you  that  I  was  not  very  reasonable.  I  hid  away 
that  I  might  weep.  Lucie." 

This  letter  reached  me  only  at  the  He  de  Re; 
my  wife  did  not  at  the  time  of  writing  know  of 
my  departure. 

THE  DEGRADATION 

The  following  account  of  this  ceremony  appeared 
the  next  morning  in  one  of  the  papers  most  hostile 
to  Dreyfus :  — 

5 


66  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

"  The  first  stroke  of  nine  sounds  from  the  school 
clock.  General  Darras  lifts  his  sword  and  gives  the 
command,  which  is  repeated  at  the  head  of  each  com- 
pany :  *■  Portez  armes  ! ' 

"  The  troops  obey. 

"  A  complete  silence  ensues. 

*'  Hearts  stop  beating,  and  all  eyes  are  turned  toward 
the  corner  of  the  vast  square,  where  Dreyfus  has  been 
shut  up  in  a  small  building. 

"  Soon  a  little  group  appears  :  it  is  Alfred  Dreyfus 
who  is  advancing,  between  four  artillerymen,  accom- 
panied by  a  Lieutenant  of  the  Republican  Guard  and  the 
oldest  non-commissioned  officer  of  the  regiment.  Be- 
tween the  dark  dolmans  of  the  gunners  we  see  distinctly 
the  gold  of  the  three  stripes  and  the  gold  of  the  cap- 
bands  :  the  sword  glitters,  and  even  at  this  distance 
we  behold  the  black  sword-knot  on  the  hilt  of  the 
sword. 

"  Dreyfus  marches  with  a  steady  step. 

"  *  Look,  see  how  straight  the  wretch  is  carrying  him- 
self,' some  one  says. 

"  The  group  advances  toward  General  Darras, 
with  whom  is  the  clerk  of  the  Court  Martial, 
M.  Vallecale. 

"There  are  cries  now  in  the  crowd. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  67 

"  But  the  group  halts. 

"  A  sign  from  the  officer  in  command,  the  drums 
beat,  and  the  trumpets  blow,  and  then  again  all  is  still ; 
a  tragic  silence  now. 

"  The  artillerymen  with  Dreyfus  drop  back  a  few 
steps,  and  the  condemned  man  stands  well  out  in  full 
view  of  us  all. 

"  The  clerk  salutes  the  General,  and  turning  towards 
Dreyfus  reads  distinctly  the  verdict :  '  The  said  Dreyfus 
is  condemned  to  military  degradation  and  to  deportation 
to  a  fortress.' 

"  The  clerk  turns  to  the  General  and  salutes.  Dreyfus 
has  listened  in  silence.  The  voice  of  General  Darras  is 
then  heard,  and  although  it  is  slightly  tremulous  with 
emotion,  we  catch  distinctly  this  phrase :  — 

"  '  Dreyfus,  you  are  unworthy  to  wear  the  uniform. 
In  the  name  of  the  French  people,  we  deprive  you  of 
your  rank.' 

"  Thereupon  we  behold  Dreyfus  lift  his  arms  in  air, 
and,  his  head  well  up,  exclaim  in  a  loud  voice,  in  which 
there  is  not  the  slightest  tremor :  — 

"  '  I  am  innocent.  I  swear  that  I  am  innocent.  Vive 
la  France ! ' 

**In  reply  the  immense  throng  without  clamors, 
'  Death  to  the  traitor  ! ' 


68  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"  But  the  noise  is  instantly  hushed.  Already  the  ad- 
jutant whose  melancholy  duty  it  is  to  strip  from  the 
prisoner  his  stripes  and  arms  has  begun  his  work,  and 
they  now  begin  to  strew  the  ground, 

"  Dreyfus  makes  this  the  occasion  of  a  fresh  pro- 
test, and  his  cries  carry  distinctly  even  to  the  crowd 
outside :  — 

" '  In  the  name  of  my  wife  and  children,  I  swear 
that  I  am  innocent.     I  swear  it.     Vive  la  France  ! ' 

"  But  the  work  has  been  rapid.  The  adjutant  has 
torn  quickly  the  stripes  from  the  hat,  the  embroideries 
from  the  cufFs,  the  buttons  from  the  dolman,  the  num- 
bers from  the  collar,  and  ripped  off  the  red  stripe  worn 
by  the  prisoner  ever  since  his  entrance  into  the  Poly- 
technic School. 

"  The  sabre  remains :  the  adjutant  draws  it  from  its 
scabbard  and  breaks  it  across  his  knee.  There  is  a  dry 
click,  and  the  two  portions  are  flung  with  the  insignia 
upon  the  ground.  Then  the  belt  is  detached,  and  in  its 
turn  the  scabbard  falls. 

"  This  is  the  end.  These  few  seconds  have  seemed 
to  us  ages.  Never  was  there  a  more  terrible  sensation 
of  anguish. 

"  And  once  more,  clear  and  passionless,  comes  the 
voice  of  the  prisoner :  — 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  69 

" '  You  are  degrading  an  innocent  man.' 

"  He  must  now  pass  along  the  line  in  front  of  his 
former  comrades  and  subordinates.  For  another  the 
torture  would  have  been  horrible.  Dreyfus  does  not 
seem  to  be  affected,  however,  for  he  leaps  over  the  in- 
signia of  his  rank,  which  two  gendarmes  are  shortly  to 
gather  up,  and  takes  his  place  between  the  four  gunners, 
who,  with  drawn  swords,  have  led  him  before  General 
Darras. 

"  The  little  group,  led  by  two  officers  of  the  Republi- 
can Guard,  moves  toward  the  band  of  music  in  front  of 
the  prison  van  and  begins  its  march  along  the  front  of 
the  troops  and  about  three  feet  distant  from  them. 

"  Dreyfus  holds  his  head  well  up.  The  public  cries, 
'  Death  to  the  traitor ! '  Soon  he  reaches  the  great 
gateway,  and  the  crowd  has  a  better  sight  of  him.  The 
cries  increase,  thousands  of  voices  demanding  the  death 
of  the  wretch,  who  still  exclaims :  '  I  am  innocent ! 
Vive  la  France  ! ' 

"  The  crowd  has  not  heard,  but  it  has  seen  Dreyfus 
turn  toward   it  and  speak. 

"  A  formidable  burst  of  hisses  replies  to  him,  then  an 
immense  shout  which  rolls  like  a  tempest  across  the  vast 
courtyard  :  — 

" '  Death  to  the  traitor  !      Kill  him  ! ' 


70  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"And  then  outside  the  mob  heaves  forward  in  a  mur- 
derous surge.  Only  by  a  mighty  effort  can  the  police 
restrain  the  people  from  breaking  through  into  the  yard, 
to  wreak  their  swift  and  just  vengeance  upon  Dreyfus 
for  his  infamy. 

"  Dreyfus  continues  his  march.  He  reaches  the 
group  made  up  of  the  press  representatives. 

" '  You  will  say  to  the  whole  of  France,'  he  cries,  '  that 
I  am  innocent !  * 

"'Silence,  wretch,'  is  the  reply.  'Coward!  Traitor! 
Judas  ! ' 

"  Under  the  insult,  the  abject  Dreyfus  pulls  himself 
up.      He  flings  at  us  a  glance  full  of  fierce  hatred. 

" '  You  have  no  right  to  insult  me ! ' 

"  A  clear  voice  issues  from  the  group  :  — 

"'You  know  well  that  you  are  not  innocent.  Vive 
la  France  !      Dirty  Jew  ! ' 

"  Dreyfus  continues  his  route. 

"His  clothing  is  pitiably  dishevelled.  In  the  place  of 
his  stripes  hang  long  dangling  threads,  and  his  cap  has 
no  shape. 

"Dreyfus  pulls  himself  up  once  more,  but  the  cries  of 
the  crowd  are  beginning  to  affect  him.  Though  the 
head  of  the  wretch  is  still  insolently  turned  toward  the 
troops,  his  legs  are  beginning  to  give  way. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  71 

"The  march  round  the  square  is  ended.  Dreyfus  is 
handed  over  to  the  two  gendarmes,  who  have  gathered 
up  his  stripes,  and  they  conduct  him  to  the  prison  van. 

"...  Dreyfus,  completely  silent  now,  is  placed 
once  more  in  prison.  But  there  again  he  protests  his 
innocence." 


VI 

THE    ILE   DE   RE   PRISON 

I  LEFT  the  Sante  Prison  on  the  17th  of 
January,  1895.  As  usual  in  the  evening, 
I  had  put  my  cell  in  order  and  lowered  my 
couch ;  and  I  lay  down  at  the  regular  hour, 
nothing  having  happened  to  give  me  the  slight- 
est suspicion  of  my  impending  removal.  I  had 
even  been  told  during  the  day  that  my  wife  had 
received  permission  to  see  me  two  days  later,  as 
she  had  not  been  able  to  come  for  nearly  a  week. 
Between  ten  and  eleven  o'clock  at  night  I  was 
suddenly  awakened  and  told  to  prepare  at  once 
for  my  departure.  I  had  barely  time  to  dress 
myself  hastily.  The  deputy  of  the  Minister 
of  the  Interior,  who,  with  three  guards,  had 
charge  of  the  transfer,  showed  revolting  brutality. 
They    hurriedly    handcuffed     me    when     I    was 


74  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

scarcely  dressed  and  gave  me  no  time  even  to 
pick  up  my  eye-glasses.  The  night  was  in- 
tensely cold.  I  was  taken  to  the  Orleans  rail- 
way station  in  a  prison  van,  and  thence  brought 
in  a  roundabout  way  to  the  freight  entrance, 
where  the  cars  built  specially  for  the  transporta- 
tion of  convicts  on  their  way  to  the  penal  colonies 
of  Guiana  or  New  Caledonia  were  waiting.  These 
cars  are  divided  into  narrow  cells,  each  barely  ac- 
commodating a  man  in  sitting  posture,  and  when 
the  door  is  closed  it  is  impossible  for  the  occu- 
pant to  stretch  his  legs.  I  was  locked  up  in  one 
of  these  cells,  with  my  wrists  handcuffed  and  irons 
on  my  ankles.  The  night  was  horribly  long  ; 
all  my  limbs  were  benumbed.  The  next  morn- 
ing I  was  trembling  with  fever,  and  was  able,  only 
after  repeated  requests,  to  obtain  a  little  black  cof- 
fee, with  some  bread  and  cheese. 

Toward  noon  the  train  arrived  at  La  Rochelle. 
Our  departure  from  Paris  had  not  been  disclosed, 
and  if,  on  arriving,  the  authorities  had  embarked 
me  at  once  for  the  He  de  Re,  I  should  have 
passed  unrecognized. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  75 

As  there  were  at  the  station  a  few  loungers  who 
were  in  the  habit  of  witnessing  the  arrival  of  the 
convicts  on  their  way  to  the  He  de  Re,  my  guards 
thought  it  best  to  wait  until  the  onlookers  had 
gone.  But  every  few  minutes  the  chief  guard 
was  called  away  from  the  cars  by  the  deputy  of 
the  Ministry  of  the  Interior.  On  his  return  he 
would  give  mysterious  orders  to  the  other  guards, 
who  would  go  out,  each  in  his  turn,  and  coming 
bustling  back  would  close  now  one  grating,  now 
another,  and  keep  up  a  constant  whispering.  It 
was  clear  that  this  singular  manceuvring  would  end 
by  attracting  the  attention  of  the  curious,  who 
would  understand  that  there  must  be  an  impor- 
tant prisoner  in  the  car,  and  as  he  had  not  been 
taken  out  they  would  wait  to  see  him.  Then  all 
at  once  the  guards  and  delegate  lost  their  heads. 
It  seemed  that  some  one  had  been  indiscreet,  that 
my  name  was  pronounced.  The  news  spread 
abroad,  and  the  crowd  rapidly  increased.  I  had 
to  remain  all  the  afternoon  in  the  car  cramped  in 
the  same  cell,  hearing  the  crowd  outside,  which 
was  becoming  more  turbulent  as  time  went  on. 


76  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

Finally,  at  nightfall,  I  was  taken  from  the  car. 
As  soon  as  I  appeared  the  clamor  redoubled. 
The  throng  made  sudden  and  angry  rushes  at 
me,  and  blows  fell  on  and  around  me.  I  stood 
impassive  in  the  midst  of  this  mob  for  a  mo- 
ment, almost  undefended,  ready  to  deliver  up 
my  body  to  it.  But  my  soul  was  my  own,  and  I 
understood  only  too  well  the  outraged  feelings  of 
this  poor  misguided  people.  I  should  only  have 
wished,  in  leaving  my  body  at  their  mercy,  to  have 
cried  out  to  them  their  pitiful  error.  I  motioned 
away  the  guards  who  came  to  my  assistance,  but 
they  answered  that  they  were  responsible  for  me. 
How  heavy  must  the  responsibility  weigh  on 
those  others  who,  in  torturing  an  individual,  are 
also  abusing  the  confidence  of  an  entire  nation  ! 

At  last  I  got  to  the  carriage  which  was  to  take 
me  away,  and  after  an  exciting  race  we  came  to 
the  port  of  La  Palice,  where  I  was  put  aboard  a 
long-boat.  The  intense  cold  continued.  My 
body  was  benumbed,  my  head  on  fire,  and  my 
hands  and  ankles  bruised  by  the  handcuffs.  The 
trip  lasted  an  hour. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  77 

On  my  arrival  at  the  He  de  Re  in  the  black  of 
night,  I  was  led  through  the  snow  to  the  prison, 
where  I  was  brutally  received  by  the  warden. 
At  the  Bureau  of  Registry  they  stripped  and 
searched  me.  Finally,  toward  nine  o'clock, 
crushed  in  body  and  soul,  I  was  led  to  the  cell 
which  1  was  to  inhabit.  A  guard-room  adjoined 
my  cell  and  opened  upon  it  by  means  of  a  large 
grated  transom  above  my  bed.  Night  and  day 
two  watchmen,  relieved  every  two  hours,  were  on 
guard  at  this  opening,  with  orders  to  watch  my 
slightest  movement. 

The  director  of  the  prison  warned  me  that 
same  evening  that  any  interviews  with  my  wife 
would  take  place  at  the  Bureau  of  Registry,  and 
in  his  presence  ;  that  he  would  station  himself 
between  my  wife  and  me,  and  that  I  should  not 
have  the  right  to  embrace  or  even  to  approach 
her. 

Each  day  during  my  stay  at  the  He  de  Re 
I  was  allowed  a  walk  in  the  yard  adjoining  my 
cell.  This  yard  was  separated  by  a  high  wall 
from   the   buildings   and  courtyard   occupied   by 


78  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

convicts,  and  along  this  wall  stood  a  squad  of 
guards  following  with  their  eyes  my  every  move- 
ment, as  if  I  were  a  wild  beast  whose  pacing  to 
and  fro  in  his  cage  must  be  guarded.  But  that 
was  not  enough !  On  returning  to  my  cell,  each 
time  I  must  be  stripped  and  searched  ! 

The  letters  exchanged  between  my  wife  and 
myself  give  our  impressions  of  this  time.  The 
following  are  a  few  extracts  :  — 

**  Ile  de  Re,  January   19,    1895. 

"  I  was  awakened  toward  ten  o'clock  Thurs- 
day evening  to  start  on  my  journey  here,  where  I 
arrived  last  night.  I  do  not  care  to  speak  of  the 
trip.  ....  Yet  you  must  know  that  I  have  heard 
the  cries  to  be  expected  from  a  patriotic  people 
against  one  whom  they  believe  to  be  a  traitor,  the 
very  lowest  of  wretches.  I  am  no  longer  sure 
that  I  have  a  heart.  .  .  . 

"  Will  you  please  ask,  or  have  someone  ask,  the 
Minister  for  the  following  authorizations,  which 
he  alone  has  the  authority  to  give  ? 

"  I.  The  right  to  write  to  all  the  members  of 
my  family,  —  father,  mother,  brothers,  and  sisters. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  79 

"2.  The  right  to  write  and  to  work  in  my 
cell.  ...  At  present  I  have  no  paper,  pen,  or 
ink.  I  have  only  the  sheet  of  paper  on  which 
I  write  to  you  ;  when  I  have  finished  they  take 
pen  and  ink  away. 

"  I  beg  you  not  to  come  before  your  health 
is  thoroughly  restored.  The  climate  here  is 
very  rigorous,  and  you  need  all  your  health,  first 
for  our  dear  children,  then  for  the  end  for  which 
you  are  working.  As  to  the  particulars  of  my 
confinement  here  I  am  forbidden  to  speak. 

"  And  now  I  must  remind  you  that  before  you 
come  here  you  must  provide  yourself  with  all  the 
authorizations  necessary  to  see  me ;  do  not  forget 
to  ask  permission  to  kiss  me." 

**Ile  de  Re,  January  21,  1895. 
9  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
"The  other  day  when  the  mob  insulted  me  at 
La.Rochelle,  I  longed  to  escape  from  my  guards, 
present  my  naked  breast  to  those  to  whom  I 
was  a  natural  object  of  indignation  and  say : 
'  Don't  insult  me  ;  this  heart  which  you  cannot 
penetrate   is  pure  and  free  from  all  defilement ; 


8o  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

but  if  you  believe  me  guilty,  here,  take  my  body, 
I  give  it  to  you  without  regret.'  Then,  perhaps, 
when  under  the  sharp  sting  of  physical  suffer- 
ing I  should  have  cried  again  *  Vive  la  France  ! ' 
they  would  have  believed  in  my  innocence. 

"  I  do  not  ask  for  mercy,  but  I  demand  the  jus- 
tice which  is  the  common  right  of  every  human 
being.  Those  who  possess  powerful  means  of 
investigation  must  use  them  to  this  end ;  it  is  a 
sacred  duty  which  they  owe  to  humanity  and 
justice. 

"  I  have  but  two  happy  moments  in  my  days. 
The  first  is  when  they  bring  me  this  sheet  of 
paper  that  I  may  write  you,  and  I  pass  a  little 
time  in  talking  to  you.  The  second  is  when  they 
bring  me  your  daily  letter."   .  .  . 

*' Ile  de  Re,  January  23,    1895. 

"  I  receive  your  letters  every  day.  As  yet 
none  from  any  other  member  of  the  family  has 
been  given  me,  and,  on  my  side,  I  have  not  yet 
received  the  authorization  to  write  to  them.  I 
have  written  to  you  every  day  since  Saturday. 
I  hope  you  have  received  all  my  letters.  .  .  . 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  8i 

"  When  I  think  of  what  I  was  but  a  few  months 
ago,  and  compare  my  condition  then  with  my 
miserable  situation  to-day,  I  confess  that  I  give 
way  to  ferocious  outbursts  against  the  injustice  of 
my  lot.  Truly,  I  am  a  victim  of  the  most  hide- 
ous miscarriage  of  justice  of  our  century.  At 
times  my  reason  refuses  to  believe  it ;  it  seems  to 
me  that  these  phantasms  of  an  hallucination  will 
all  vanish,  .  .  .  but,  alas  1  the  brutal  reality  en- 
compasses me.  .  .  .  Alfred." 

From  my  wife  :  — 

"Paris,  January   20,    1895. 

"  I  am  in  a  stupor  of  terror  at  not  yet  having 
news  from  you.  It  seems  to  me  that  as  they  go 
on  torturing  you  they  tear  me  to  pieces.  It  is 
atrocious  !  .  .  . 

"  How  I  wish  I  were  near  you  now,  and  in  the 
ardor  of  my  affection  could  speak  some  gentle 
words  to  comfort  your  poor  heart." 

"Paris,  January  21,  1895. 

"...  Fortunately  I  did  not  read  the  news- 
papers  yesterday  morning  ;    my  people   had   to 


82  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

conceal  from  me  the  knowledge  of  the  ignoble 
scene  at  La  Rochelle.  What  unspeakable  mo- 
ments you  must  have  passed !  .  .  .  But  this 
attitude  of  the  crowd  does  not  astonish  me ;  it  is 
the  result  of  reading  those  wicked  journals  which 
live  by  defamation  and  scandal,  and  which  have 
published  such  outrageous  lies  about  you.  But 
be  reassured,  among  people  who  reason  a  great 
change  has  begun  to  take  place."   .  .  . 

"Paris,  January   22,    1895. 

"  Never  a  letter  from  you ;  since  Thursday  I 
have  been  without  news.  If  I  had  not  been  reas- 
sured as  to  your  health  I  should  be  desperately 
anxious.   .   .  . 

"  I  am  always  thinking  of  you  ;  not  a  second 
slips  away  without  my  suffering  with  you,  and  my 
suffering  is  so  much  the  more  terrible  in  that  I 
am  away  from  you  and  without  news.  It  seems  as 
if  I  could  not  wait  for  the  permit  to  rejoin  you  and 
hold  you  in  my  arms.  I  shall  have  many  things 
to  tell  you  :  first,  the  news  of  our  children,  of  the 
whole  family,  and  then  of  the  strenuous  efforts 
we  are  making  to  discover  the  key  of  the  enigma." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  83 

"Paris,  January  23,  1895. 
"  I  have  just  telegraphed  the  director  of  the 
prison  for  news  of  you,  for  I  can  no  longer 
control  my  anxiety.  I  have  not  received  a  single 
letter  from  you  since  you  left  Paris ;  I  do  not 
understand  at  all  what  has  happened  !  1  am 
sure  you  must  have  written  me  each  day,  but 
if  so,  what  is  the  reason  of  this  delay  ?  If  only 
you  have  received  my  letters,  so  that  you  are  not 
worried  !  It  is  dreadful  to  be  so  far  away  and 
deprived  of  news.  I  want  to  be  sure  that  you 
are  strong,  to  have  no  doubts  about  your  health, 
and  to  know  that  you  are  under  a  less  rigorous 
regime.  Lucie." 

From  the  He  de  Re :  — 

"January   24,    1895. 

"  I  see  by  your  letter  dated  Tuesday  that  as 
yet  you  have  not  heard  from  me.  How  you  must 
suffer,  my  poor  darling  !  What  agonizing  sus- 
pense for  us  both  !  "  .  .  . 

** January   25,    1895. 

"Your  letter  of  yesterday  wrung  my  heart. 
Sorrow  was  in  every  word  of  it.  .  .  . 


84  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"  I  don't  know  what  to  think.  If  I  look  back 
upon  the  past  months,  anger  fills  my  brain  at  the 
thought  that  everything  has  been  wrested  from 
me.  If  I  consider  the  present,  my  plight  is  so 
wretched  that  all  my  thoughts  turn  toward  the 
death  in  which  I  might  forget  all  my  misery. 
Only  when  looking  forward  to  the  future  have  I 
a  moment  of  consolation.  .  .  . 

"Just  now  my  eyes  rested  on  the  pictures  of  our 
children.  I  could  not  bear  to  look  at  them  long; 
my  sobs  strangled  me.  I  must  bear  my  cross  to 
the  end,  for  the  sake  of  the  name  borne  by  those 
little  ones.  .  .  . 

"  Henceforth  I  shall  not  have  the  right  to  write 
to  you  more  than  twice  a  week."  .  .  . 

"Ile  de  Re,  January  28,    1895. 

"  This  is  one  of  the  happy  days  of  my  sad  ex- 
istence, for  I  can  spend  half  an  hour  talking 
with  you  and  telling  you  of  my  life.  Each 
time  that  they  bring  me  a  letter  from  you  a  ray 
of  joy  penetrates  to  my  wounded  heart. 

"  Look  backward  I  cannot.     The  tears  blind 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  85 

me  when  I  think  of  our  lost  happiness.  But  I 
look  forward  in  the  supreme  hope  that  soon  the 
hour  of  justice  will  come." 

**Ile  de  Re,  January  31,    1895. 

"Again  the  happy  day  is  here  when  I  can  write 
to  you.  I  count  them,  alas  !  my  happy  days  ! 
For  I  have  not  received  any  of  your  letters  since 
the  one  they  gave  me  last  Sunday.  What  a  con- 
tinual torture !  Until  now  I  have  each  day  had 
a  moment  of  happiness  in  receiving  your  letter. 
It  was  an  echo  from  home,  —  an  echo  of  the  sym- 
pathy of  you  all,  that  warmed  my  frozen  heart. 
I  read  and  re-read  your  letters.  I  absorbed  each 
word.  Little  by  little  the  written  words  were 
transformed  and  found  a  voice ;  it  seemed  to  me 
that  I  could  hear  you  speaking  and  that  you  were 
very  close  to  me.  Oh,  the  exquisite  music  that 
whispered  to  my  soul ! 

"  Now  for  four  days  nothing  but  my  dreary 
sorrow,  —  appalling  solitude.  .  .  . 

Alfred." 


86  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

From  my  wife  :  — 

"Paris,  January  24,    1895. 

"At  last  I  have  received  a  letter  from  you  ! 
It  reached  me  only  this  morning.  Oh,  the  many 
tears  I  have  shed  over  this  little  letter,  this  poor 
little  bit  of  yourself,  which  comes  to  me  after  so 
many  days  of  miserable  anxiety  !  But  this  news 
is  dated  the  19th,  the  day  after  your  arrival,  and 
I  receive  it  on  the  24th;  that  is,  five  days  later. 
How  little  humanity  they  must  have  thus  to 
torture  two  wretched  beings  who  adore  each 
other  and  who  have  in  their  hearts  but  one  aim 
and  one  dream,  — to  find  the  guilty  man  who  has 
destroyed  their  happiness  !  Is  it  a  crime  to  crave 
rehabilitation  of  our  vilified  name,  the  name  of 
our  children  ?  " 

**  Paris,  January  27,    1895. 

"  This  morning  a  dear,  sweet  letter  from  you 
gave  me  a  moment's  joy.  Forgive  me  my  first 
letters,  which  were  so  distracted  ;  I  had  a  period 
of  desperation,  it  is  true.  Having  no  news  of 
you,  I  was  ill  with  anxiety. 

"  That  is  past ;  once  more  my  will  has  taken 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  87 

the  upper  hand ;  I  am  strong  again  for  the 
fight.  We  must  both  of  us  live.  We  shall  have 
the  right  to  die,  only  when  our  task  is  accom- 
plished, only  when  our  name  has  been  cleansed 
of  this  foulness.  Then  happy  days  will  return ; 
I  shall  love  you  so  much ;  your  grateful  children 
will  show  you  such  affection  that  all  traces  of  your 
sufferings  will  be  effaced.   .   .  . 

"  I  know  that  all  these  words  do  not  alleviate 
the  sufferings  of  the  present ;  but  you  have  a 
great  soul,  a  will  of  iron,  an  absolutely  pure  con- 
science ;  thus  upheld,  you  must  resist,  we  must 
both   resist  together. 

"  Pierre  amused  himself  this  morning  by  look- 
ing at  all  my  photographs  of  you,  on  horseback, 
on  your  travels,  at  Bourges.  He  was  happy  in 
showing  them  to  his  little  sister  and  rattling  off 
every  thought  that  entered  his  head.  Jeanne  lis- 
tened to  him  with  respect."  .  .  . 

"Paris,  January   31,    1895. 

"  No  news  this  morning,  as  I  had  hoped.  My 
God!  what  an  existence,  living  from  day  to  day 
in  the  expectation  of  a  better  to-morrow  ! 

Lucie." 


88  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

From  the  He  de  Re  :  — 

"February  3,    1895. 

"  I  have  just  passed  an  atrocious  week,  with- 
out a  word  from  you  since  last  Sunday,  that  is, 
for  eight  whole  days.  I  thought  that  you  must 
be  ill ;  then,  that  one  of  the  children  was  ill ; 
then,  in  my  fevered  brain,  I  conjured  up  all  kinds 
of  suppositions,  —  I  imagined  everything. 

"You  can  realize,  my  darling,  what  I  suffer.  .  .  . 
I  had  one  consolation,  —  it  was  to  feel  that  you 
were  near  me,  that  your  heart  was  beating  in 
unison  with  mine.  Now  they  would  deny  me 
that  solace  ! " 

**Ile  de  Re,    February  7,    1895. 

"I  am  now  without  news  of  you  for  more 
than  ten  days.  To  tell  you  how  I  feel  is  im- 
possible. 

"As  for  you,  you  must  keep  all  your  courage 
and  energy.  It  is  in  the  name  of  our  love  that  I 
beg  it  of  you.  When  the  time  comes,  you  must 
be  there  to  wash  away  the  stain  from  my  name. 
You  must  be  there  to  bring  up  our  children  ;  to 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  89 

tell  them  that  their  father  was  a  loyal  soldier, 
crushed  by  an  appalling  fatality. 

"  Shall  I  have  news  of  you  to-day  ?  When 
shall  I  be  told  that  I  may  have  the  joy  of  em- 
bracing you  ?  Each  day  I  hope  for  it,  and  still 
nothing  comes. 

"  Courage,  my  darling ;  you  need  much  of  it. 
No  matter  what  may  become  of  me,  you  have  a 

supreme  mission  to  fulfil. 

Alfred." 
From  my  wife  :  — 

**  Paris,   February  3,    1895. 

"  Every  morning  a  new  disappointment,  for  the 
post  brings  me  nothing.  What  am  I  to  think .'' 
At  times  I  ask  myself  if  you  are  ill,  what  can 
have  happened  to  you.  I  picture  to  myself  all 
sorts  of  dreadful  things,  and  my  nights  are  beset 
with  nightmare.  ...  I  have  not  yet  obtained 
permission  to  come  to  see  you.  It  is  long,  so 
long  !  It  will  soon  be  three  weeks  since  you 
left  for  the  He  de  Re  without  any  one  of  your 
family  being  able  to  embrace  you."  .  .  . 


90  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"Paris,   February  4,    1895. 

"  I  have  had  the  happiness  of  receiving  your 
dear  letter.  Think  a  little  how  happy  I  am  to 
have  news  of  you,  although  it  is  old,  since  it  dates 
from  a  week  ago  Monday.  A  long  week  for 
your  kind  words  to  come  to  me."  .  .  . 

**  Paris,  February  6,    1895. 

"...  It  grieves  me  so  when  I  look  at  our 
children  to  think  how  happy  you  would  be  in 
having  them  about  you,  seeing  them  grow  up  and 
develop,  watching  the  unfolding  of  their  intelli- 
gence, that  tears  rise  to  my  eyes. 

"  It  is  now  nearly  four  months  since  you 
saw  your  poor  darlings,  and  they  have  greatly 
changed." 

"Paris,   February  7,   1895. 

"Your  last  letter  was  dated  the  28th  of  Jan- 
uary. It  took  eight  days  to  come  to  me,  and 
since  then  I  have  had  no  news.  It  is  very  hard. 
I  hope  with  all  my  heart  to  be  able  to  speak  with 
you,  if  not  by  word  of  mouth,  at  least  by  letter. 
And  these  wretched  bits  of  news  which  take  so 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  91 

long  a  time  to  come  are  now  coming  less  and  less 
often.  I  am  always  waiting  impatiently  for  my 
permit,  and  hope  to  have  it  soon.  I  long  so 
desperately  to  see  you." 

'•Paris,  February  9,    1895. 

"  This  morning  I  received  your  letter  of  Jan- 
uary 31.  Your  sufferings  break  my  heart.  I 
wept  long,  with  my  head  in  my  hands,  until  the 
warm  caresses  of  our  little  Pierre  brought  back 
a  smile  to  my  lips.  But  my  sufferings  are  as 
nothing  compared  with  yours.   .   .  . 

"  Do  not  be  troubled  when  you  receive  no 
letters  from  me.  Be  sure  that  I  write  you  every 
day.  It  is  the  one  good  hour  I  have.  I  could 
not  get  along  without  it."  .  .  . 

"Paris,  February   10,  1895. 

"  I  had  the  joy  of  a  child  yesterday  evening 
when  I  finally  received  the  permit  to  see  you 
twice  a  week. 

"  At  last  the  time  is  near  whetl  I  shall  have  the 
happiness  of  pressing  you  to  my  heart  and  giving 
you  new  strength  by  my  presence. 


92  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"  I  am  distressed  at  your  not  receiving  my 
letters  ;  I  have  not  failed  a  single  day  in  speaking 
with  you  through  them.  I  cannot  understand 
the  reason  of  this  harshness  [the  suppression  of 
the  letters  by  the  Minister].  My  letters  contained 
no  sentiments  that  could  be  offensive  to  the  offi- 
cials ;  nothing  but  bitter  grief  over  a  situation  so 
frightfully  unjust  and  hope  of  that  coming  re- 
habilitation. Lucie." 

My  wife  had  been  authorized  to  see  me  on  two 
consecutive  days  a  week  for  one  hour  at  a  time. 
I  saw  her  first  on  the  13th  of  January,  without 
having  been  notified  of  her  arrival.  I  was  brought 
into  the  registry  office,  which  was  a  few  steps 
from  the  door  leading  out  to  the  courtyard. 
The  office  is  a  small,  narrow,  long  room,  white- 
washed and  almost  bare.  My  wife  was  seated  at 
one  end,  and  the  director  of  the  prison  in  the 
middle  of  the  room  ;  I  had  to  stay  by  the  door  at 
the  opposite  end  of  the  room  from  my  wife.  In 
front  of  the  glass  door  outside,  guards  were 
stationed. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  93 

The  director  warned  us  that  we  were  forbid- 
den to  speak  of  anything  concerning  my  trial. 

Cruelly  wounded  as  we  were  by  the  ignomin- 
ious conditions  under  which  we  were  allowed  to 
see  each  other,  and  distressed  as  we  were  at  feel- 
ing the  minutes  slip  by  with  lightning  speed,  we 
still  experienced  a  great  inward  joy  at  being  to- 
gether again.  But  our  situation  was  too  miserable 
to  be  expressed  in  words.  That  which  was  our 
strong  comfort  was  to  feel  keenly  that  our  two 
souls  henceforth  were  but  one,  that  the  intelli- 
gence and  will  of  both  would  be  directed  to  but 
a  single  aim,  the  discovery  of  the  truth  and  of 
the  guilty  one. 

My  wife  came  back  to  see  me  the  following 
day,  the  14th  of  February,  and  then  returned  to 
Paris. 

On  the  20th  of  February  she  was  back  at  the 
He  de  Re ;  our  last  interviews  took  place  on  the 
20th  and  2ist  of  February. 

From  the  He  de  Re,  after  the  interview  with 
my  wife  :  — 


94    /       FIVE  YEARS   OF   MY  LIFE 

**  Ile  de  Re,   February   14,    1895. 

"The  few  minutes  I  passed  with  you  were  very 
sweet  to  me,  although  it  was  impossible  for  me  to 
tell  you  all  that  was  in  my  heart.  I  spent  the 
time  looking  at  you,  trying  to  impress  your  im- 
age upon  my  very  being,  and  asking  myself  by 
what  inconceivable  fatality  I  was  separated  from 
you.  .  .  .  Alfred." 

From  my  wife  after  her  return  to  Paris  ;  — 

**  Paris,   February   16,    1895. 

"What  emotion,  what  a  fearful  shock  we  have 
both  felt  at  seeing  each  other  again  !  You  espe- 
cially, my  poor,  beloved  husband,  must  have  been 
terribly  shaken,  not  having  been  warned  of  my 
arrival.  The  conditions  under  which  they  allowed 
me  to  see  you  were  too  heartrending !  Now 
that  we  have  been  separated  so  cruelly  for  four 
months,  to  have  the  right  to  speak  to  each  other 
only  at  a  distance  is  the  depth  of  wretchedness. 
How  I  yearn  to  press  you  to  my  heart,  to  be 
able  to  warm  you  with  my  love,  poor  lonely  one! 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  95 

My  soul    was  torn  asunder  when    I    left  Saint- 
Martin,  going  away  from  you.  Lucie." 

From  the  He  de  Re,  after  having  seen  my 
wife,  this  letter  was  written  on  the  day  of  my 
departure,  of  which  I  was  then  in  complete 
ignorance.:  — 

"February   21,    1895. 

"  When  I  see  you  the  time  is  so  short.  I  am 
so  distracted  by  the  hour's  slipping  away  with 
such  bewildering  rapidity,  a  rapidity  in  striking 
contrast  to  my  dragging  hours  of  solitude,  that 
I  forget  to  tell  you  half  of  what  I  have  in  mind. 

"  I  wanted  to  ask  you  if  the  trip  down  had  not 
fatigued  you,  if  the  sea  had  been  kind  to  you.  I 
wanted  to  tell  you  all  the  admiration  I  feel  for 
the  nobility  of  your  character,  for  your  incompar- 
able devotion  !  Many  a  woman  would  have  lost 
her  mind  amidst  the  repeated  shocks  of  so  cruel 
and  undeserved  a  fate. 

"  As  I  have  told  you,  I  will  do  all  in  my  power 
to  bear  up,  so  that  I  may  live  to  see  with  you  the 
happy  light  of  the  day  of  our  restoration. 

Alfred." 


96  FIVE    YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

On  the  2 1  St  of  February,  I  saw  my  wife  for 
the  last  time.  She  asked  that  they  tie  her  hands 
behind  her  back  and  let  her  approach  and  kiss 
me.  The  director  gave  a  rough  refusal.  After 
the  interview,  which  was  from  two  to  three  o'clock, 
I  was  suddenly  told  that  I  must  get  ready  for  my 
departure,  without  either  of  us  having  been  previ- 
ously informed.  The  preparations  consisted  in 
making  a  bundle  of  my  clothes. 

Before  the  departure  I  was  again  stripped  and 
searched,  and  then  led  between  six  guards  to  the 
dock.  There  I  was  embarked  on  a  steam  launch, 
which  brought  me  in  the  evening  to  the  roadstead 
of  Rochefort.  From  the  launch  I  was  taken  on 
board  the  transport,  Saint-Nazaire.  Not  a  word 
had  been  spoken,  not  a  hint  had  been  given  as  to 
the  place  whither  I  was  to  be  transported.  As 
soon  as  I  reached  the  Saint-Nazaire,  they  placed 
me  in  one  of  a  number  of  convicts'  cells  on  the 
forward  deck,  which  were  closed  by  a  simple  grat- 
ing. The  part  of  the  deck  in  front  of  these  cells 
was  uncovered.  The  night  was  dark  and  the  cold 
fearful,  nearly  fourteen  degrees  Centigrade  below 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  97 

zero  (about  seven  degrees,  Fahrenheit).  Only  a 
hammock:  was  thrown  to  me,  and  I  was  left  with- 
out food. 

The  memory  of  my  wife,  whom  I  had  left  a 
few  hours  before  in  complete  ignorance  of  my 
departure,  whom  I  had  not  even  been  able  to 
embrace ;  the  memory  of  my  children  and  all 
those  dear  friends  whom  I  left  behind  me  in 
sorrow  and  despair;  my  uncertainty  as  to  the 
place  whither  they  were  taking  me ;  the  situation 
in  which  I  found  myself,  —  all  threw  me  into  a 
state  that  cannot  be  described.  I  could  only 
fling  myself  upon  the  ground  in  a  corner  of  my 
cell  and  weep  and  shiver  throughout  the  night. 

The  next  day  the  Saint-Nazaire  weighed 
anchor. 


I 


VII 

THE   JOURNEY   TO   THE    ILES 
DU    SALUT 

THE  first  days  of  the  passage  were  des- 
perately hard.  My  open  cell  was  bitter 
cold,  and  sleep  in  the  hammock  was 
painful.  For  food,  I  had  the  regular  convict's 
ration  handed  me  in  old  preserve  cans.  I  was 
watched  by  one  guard  during  the  day  and  at  night 
by  two,  always  armed  and  under  strict  orders  not 
to  speak  to  me. 

After  the  fifth  day  I  was  allowed  to  go  on  deck 
one  hour  each  day,  accompanied  by  two  guards. 

After  the  eighth  day  the  weather  grew  gradu- 
ally warmer,  and  then  became  torrid.  I  knew 
that  we  were  nearing  the  equator,  but  of  my  des- 
tination I  had  no  hint. 

After  a  passage  of  fifteen  days  we  dropped 
anchor,  on  the  12th  of  March,  1895,  in  the  road- 


lOO  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

stead  of  the  lies  du  Salut.  I  had  a  hint  of 
the  place  from  bits  of  conversation  among  the 
guards,  who  spoke  among  themselves  of  posts  to 
which  they  might  be  sent,  and  mentioned  names 
which  I  recognized  as  belonging  to  localities  in 
Guiana. 

I  hoped  that  I  should  be  disembarked  at  once. 
But  I  had  to  wait  nearly  four  days,  confined  in 
my  cell  in  this  tropical  heat.  In  fact,  no  prepara- 
tions had  been  made  for  receiving  me,  and  every- 
thing had  to  be  hurried. 

On  the  15th  of  March  I  was  landed  and  shut 
up  in  a  room  of  the  prison  establishment  of  the 
He  Royale.  This  strictly  close  confinement  lasted 
nearly  a  month.  On  April  13  I  was  taken  to 
the  lie  du  Diable,  a  barren  rock  used  previously 
for  the  isolation  of  lepers. 

The  lies  du  Salut  form  a  group  made  up  of 
three  islets :  the  He  Royale,  where  the  commander- 
in-chief  of  the  prisons  of  the  three  islands  has  his 
dwelling,  the  He  Saint-Joseph,  and  the  He  du 
Diable. 

On  my  arrival  at  the  He  du  Diable  the  following 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  loi 

measures  were  taken  for  my  disposal,  and  were  in 
force  until  1896. 

The  hut  destined  for  my  use  was  built  of  stone 
and  covered  about  seventeen  square  yards.  The 
windows  were  grated.  The  door  was  of  lattice- 
work with  simple  iron  bars.  This  door  led  to  a 
little  hallway  six  feet  square,  the  entrance  to  which 
was  closed  by  a  solid  wooden  door.  In  this  ante- 
room a  guard  was  always  on  duty.  These  guards 
were  relieved  every  two  hours ;  they  were  not  to 
lose  sight  of  me  day  or  night.  Five  men  were 
detailed  to  that  service. 

At  night  the  outer  door  was  closed  inside  and 
out,  so  that  every  two  hours  at  guard  relief  there 
was  an  infernal  clatter  of  keys  and  iron-work. 

By  day  I  had  the  right  to  go  about  in  that 
part  of  the  island  comprised  between  the  landing- 
place  and  the  little  valley  where  the  lepers'  camp 
had  been,  a  treeless  space  of  less  than  half  an 
acre.  I  was  absolutely  forbidden  to  leave  these 
limits.  The  moment  I  started  out,  I  was  accom- 
panied by  the  guard,  who  was  not  to  lose  sight 
of  a  single  one  of  my  movements.     The  guard 


102  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

was  armed  with  a  revolver ;  later  on  a  rifle  and 
cartridge-belt  were  added.  I  was  expressly  for- 
bidden to  speak  to  any  one  whomsoever. 

At  the  beginning,  my  rations  were  those  of  a 
soldier  in  the  colonies,  but  without  wine.  I  had 
to  do  my  own  cooking,  and  in  fact  to  do  every- 
thing myself. 

The  following  pages  are  an  exact  reproduction 
of  the  diary  which  I  kept  from  the  month  of 
April,  1895,  until  the  autumn  of  1896.  It  was 
intended  for  my  wife.  This  diary  was  seized 
with  all  my  papers  in  1896  and  was  never  turned 
over  to  my  wife.  I  was  able  to  obtain  posses- 
sion of  it  only  at  the  time  of  the  Rennes  trial 
in   1899. 


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VIII 

DEVIL'S   ISLAND    DIARY 

Iles  du  Salut. 
MY   DIARY 
(to  be  handed  to  my  wife.) 

Sunday  J  April  14,  1895. 

TO-DAY  I  begin  the  diary  of  my  sad 
and  tragic  life.  Indeed,  only  to-day 
have  I  paper  at  my  disposal.  Each 
sheet  is  numbered  and  signed  so  that  I  cannot 
use  it  without  its  being  known.  I  must  account 
for  every  bit  of  it.  But  what  could  I  do  with  it? 
Of  what  use  could  it  be  to  me  ?  To  whom  would 
I  give  it?  What  secret  have  I  to  confide  to 
paper  ?     Questions  and-  enigmas  ! 

Until  now  I  have  worshipped  reason,  I  have 
believed  there  was  logic  in  things  and  events,  I 
have  believed  in  human  justice  !     Anything  irra- 


104  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

tional  and  extravagant  found  difficult  entrance 
into  my  brain.  Oh,  what  a  breaking  down  of 
all  my  beliefs  and  of  all  sound  reason ! 

What  fearful  months  I  have  passed,  what  sad 
months  still  await  me ! 

During  these  first  days,  when,  in  the  disarray 
of  mind  and  senses  which  was  the  consequence 
of  the  iniquitous  sentence  passed  on  me,  I  had 
resolved  to  kill  myself,  my  dear  wife,  with  her 
undaunted  devotion  and  courage,  made  me  realize 
that  it  is  because  I  am  innocent  that  I  have  not 
the  right  to  abandon  her  or  wilfully  to  desert  my 
post.  I  knew  she  was  right,  and  that  this  was 
my  duty ;  but  yet  I  was  afraid,  —  yes,  afraid 
of  the  atrocious  mental  sufferings  the  future  had 
in  store  for  me.  Physically  I  felt  myself  strong 
enough ;  a  pure  conscience  gave  me  superhuman 
strength.  But  the  mental  and  physical  tortures 
have  been  worse  than  I  feared,  and  to-day  I  am 
broken  in  body  and  spirit. 

However,  I  yielded  to  my  wife.  I  lived! 
But  what  a  life !  I  underwent  first  the  worst 
punishment  which  can  be  inflicted  on  a  soldier. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  105 

—  a  punishment  worse  than  any  death,  —  then, 
step  by  step,  I  traversed  the  horrible  path 
which  brought  me  hither,  by  the  Sante  Prison 
and  the  depot  of  the  He  de  Re,  support- 
ing without  flinching  the  insults  and  cries,  but 
leaving  a  fragment  of  my  heart  at  every  turn  of 
the  road. 

My  conscience  bore  me  up ;  my  reason  said  to 
me  each  day  :  "  The  truth  at  last  will  shine  forth 
triumphant ;  in  a  century  like  ours  the  light  can- 
not long  remain  concealed."  But,  alas !  each 
day  brought  with  it  a  new  deception.  The  light 
not  only  did  not  shine  forth,  but  everything  was 
done  to  dim  it. 

1  am  still  in  the  closest  confinement.  All 
my  correspondence  is  read  and  checked  off  at 
the  Ministry,  and  often  not  forwarded.  They 
even  forbade  my  writing  to  my  wife  about  the 
investigations  which  I  wished  to  counsel  her  to 
have  made.  It  is  impossible  for  me  to  defend 
myself. 

I  thought  that,  once  in  my  exile,  I  might  fi^d, 
if  not  rest,  —  this  I  cannot  have  till  my  honor  is 


io6  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

restored,  —  at  least  some  tranquillity  of  mind 
and  life,  which  might  help  me  to  wait  for  the 
day  of  rehabilitation.  What  a  new  and  bitter 
disappointment ! 

After  a  voyage  of  fifteen  days  shut  up  in  a 
cage,  I  first  remained  for  four  days  in  the  road- 
stead of  the  lies  du  Salut  without  going  on  deck, 
in  the  midst  of  tropical  heat.  My  brain  and  my 
whole  being  melted  away  in  despair. 

When  I  was  landed,  I  was  shut  up  in  a  room 
of  the  prison,  with  closed  blinds,  prohibited  from 
speaking  to  any  one,  alone  with  my  thoughts, 
with  the  regime  of  a  convict.  My  correspond- 
ence had  first  to  be  sent  to  Cayenne.  I  do  not 
yet  know  if  it  came  to  hand. 

Since  I  landed  a  month  ago,  I  have  remained 
locked  in  my  pen  without  once  leaving  it,  in  spite 
of  all  the  bodily  fatigue  of  my  painful  journey. 
Several  times  I  all  but  went  crazy ;  I  had  conges- 
tion of  the  brain,  and  I  conceived  such  a  horror  of 
life  that  the  temptation  came  to  me  to  have  no 
care  of  myself  and  so  put  an  end  to  my  martyr- 
dom.    This  would  have  been  deliverance  and  the 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  107 

end  of  my  troubles,  for  I  should  not  have  per- 
jured myself,  as  my  death  would  have  been 
natural. 

The  remembrance  of  my  wife  and  of  my  duty 
toward  my  children  has  given  me  strength  to  pull 
myself  together.  I  am  not  willing  to  nullify 
her  efforts  and  abandon  her  in  her  mission  of 
seeking  out  the  truth  and  the  guilty  man.  For 
this  reason,  in  spite  of  my  fierce  distaste  of  seeing 
a  new  face,  which  would  be  sure  to  be  inimical,  I 
asked  for  the  doctor. 

At  last,  after  thirty  days  of  this  close  confine- 
ment, they  came  to  fetch  me  to  the  He  du  Diable, 
where  I  shall  enjoy  a  semblance  of  liberty.  By 
day  I  shall  be  able  to  walk  about  in  a  space  less 
than  half  an  acre,  followed  step  by  step  by  the 
guards ;  at  nightfall  (between  six  and  half-past 
six  o'clock)  I  shall  be  shut  up  in  my  hut,  thirteen 
feet  square,  closed  by  a  door  made  of  iron  bars, 
through  which  relays  of  guards  will  look  at  me 
all  the  night  long. 

A  chief  and  five  guards  are  exclusively  ap- 
pointed to  this  service.      My  rations  are  half  a 


io8  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

loaf  of  bread  a  day,  300  grammes  (.66  of  a  pound) 
of  meat  three  times  a  week,  the  other  days  canned 
pork  or  canned  beef. 

For  an  honorable,  an  innocent  man,  what  a 
terrible  existence  of  constant  suspicion,  of  unin- 
terrupted surveillance  ! 

And  then  I  have  never  any  news  of  my  wife 
and  children.  Yet  I  know  that  since  the  29th  of 
March,  nearly  three  weeks  ago,  there  have  been 
letters  for  me  at  Cayenne,  I  have  had  them 
telegraph  to  Cayenne  and  to  France  for  news  of 
my  dear  ones.      There  is  no  reply. 

Oh,  how  I  wish  to  live  until  the  day  of  reha- 
bilitation, to  cry  out  my  sufferings,  and  give  voice 
to  the  pangs  of  my  heart !  Shall  I  last  so  long  ? 
Often  I  have  doubts,  my  heart  is  so  oppressed 
and  my  health  so  shaken. 

Sunday  nighty  April  14  to  15,  1895. 

It  is  impossible  for  me  to  sleep.     This  cage 

before  which  the  guard  walks  up  and  down  like  a 

phantom  appearing  in  my  dreams,  the  plague  of 

insects  which  run  over  my  skin,  the  rage  which  is 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  109 

smothered  in  my  heart  that  I  should  be  here, 
when  I  have  always  and  everywhere  done  my 
duty, —  all  this  over-excites  my  nerves,  which  are 
already  shattered,  and  drives  away  sleep.  When 
shall  I  again  pass  a  calm  and  tranquil  night? 
Perhaps  not  until  I  find  in  the  tomb  the  sleep 
that  is  everlasting. 

How  sweet  it  will  be  to  have  no  further  concern 
with  human  vileness  and  cowardice  ! 

The  sea  which  I  hear  murmuring  beneath  my 
little  window  has  always  for  me  a  strange  fascina- 
tion. It  soothes  my  thoughts,  bitter  and  sombre 
though  they  be.  It  recalls  dear  memories,  the 
happy  days  I  have  passed  with  my  wife  and  dar- 
ling children. 

I  have  again  a  violent  sensation,  which  I  felt 
on  the  boat,  of  being  drawn  almost  irresistibly 
toward  the  sea,  whose  murmurous  waters  seem  to 
call  me  with  the  voice  of  a  comforter.  This 
tyranny  of  the  sea  over  me  is  almost  irresistible; 
on  the  boat  I  had  to  close  my  eyes  and  call  up 
the  image  of  my  wife  not  to  yield  to  it. 

Where  are  the  beautiful  dreams  of  my  youth 


no  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

and  the  aspirations  of  my  manhood  ?  My  heart  is 
dead  within  me ;  my  brain  reels  with  the  turmoil 
of  my  thoughts.  What  is  the  mystery  underly- 
ing this  tragedy?  Even  now  I  understand  noth- 
ing of  what  has  passed.  To  be  condemned 
without  palpable  proofs,  on  the  strength  of  a  bit 
of  handwriting  !  However  clear  the  soul  and 
conscience  of  a  man  may  be,  is  there  not  more 
than  enough  here  to  enfrenzy  him  ? 

The  sensitiveness  of  my  nerves,  after  all  this 
torture,  has  become  so  acute  that  each  new  im- 
pression, even  from  without,  produces  on  me  the 
effect  of  a  deep  wound. 

T^he  same  night. 

I  have  just  tried  to  sleep,  but  after  dozing  a  few 
minutes  I  awoke  burning  with  fever ;  and  it  has 
been  so  every  night  for  months.  How  has  my 
body  been  able  to  resist  such  a  combination  of 
physical  torments  added  to  mental  torture?  I 
think  that  a  clear  conscience,  sure  of  itself,  must 
give  invincible  strength. 

I  open  the  blind  which  closes  my  little  window 
and  look  again  upon  the  sea.     The  sky  is  full  of 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  iii 

great  clouds,  but  the  moonlight  filters  through, 
tingeing  the  sea  with  silver.  The  waves  break 
powerless  at  the  foot  of  the  rocks  which  outline 
the  shape  of  the  island.  There  is  a  constant  lap- 
ping of  the  water,  as  it  plays  on  the  beach  with  a 
rude  staccato  rhythm  that  soothes  my  wounded 
soul. 

And  in  this  night,  in  the  deep  calm,  there  come 
back  to  my  mind  the  dear  images  of  my  wife  and 
children.  How  my  poor  Lucie  must  suffer  from 
so  undeserved  a  lot,  after  having  had  everything  to 
make  her  happy !  And  happy  she  so  well  deserves 
to  be,  for  the  purity  and  sweetness  of  her  charac- 
ter, for  her  tender  and  devoted  heart.  Poor,  poor 
little  wife  !  When  I  think  of  her  and  of  my  chil- 
dren, something  within  me  gives  way  and  my  grief 
finds  vent  in  sobs.  .  .  . 

I  am  going  to  try  to  work  at  my  English.  Per- 
haps the  task  will  help  me  to  forget  a  little. 

Monday,  April  15,  1895. 
There  was  a  deluge  of  rain  this  morning.     For 
my  breakfast  I  had  nothing.     The  guards  took 


112  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY  LIFE 

pity  on  me  and  gave  me  a  little  black  coffee  and 
bread. 

When  the  storm  lightened,  I  made  the  rounds 
of  the  little  portion  of  this  islet  which  is  reserved 
to  me.  It  is  a  sad  place,  this  island.  Where  I 
cannot  go  there  are  a  few  banana-trees  and  a  few 
cocoa  palms,  and  the  rest  is  dry  soil  from  which 
basaltic  rocks  crop  out  everywhere. 

At  ten  o'clock  they  bring  me  my  day's  food, — 
a  bit  of  canned  pork,  some  rice,  some  coffee  ber- 
ries in  filthy  condition,  and  a  little  moist  sugar. 
I  have  no  means  of  roasting  the  coffee,  which  in 
bitter  derision  is  given  to  me  raw.  I  throw  it 
all  into  the  sea.  Then  I  try  to  make  a  fire. 
After  several  fruitless  efforts  I  succeed.  I  heat 
water  for  my  tea.  My  luncheon  is  made  up  of 
bread  and  tea. 

What  agony  of  my  whole  being  !  What  a  sac- 
rifice I  have  made  in  giving  my  pledge  to  live ! 
Nothing  will  be  spared  me,  neither  mental  torture 
nor  physical  suffering. 

Oh,  that  plangent  sea  which  is  always  muttering 
and  howling  at  my  feet !     What  an  echo  to  my 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  113 

soul !  The  foam  of  the  wave  which  breaks  upon 
the  rocks  is  so  softly  white  that  I  could  throw 
myself  upon  it  to  seek  rest,  and  be  lost. 

Monday,  April  15,  evening. 

Again  I  had  only  a  bit  of  bread  for  my  dinner, 
and  I  was  fainting.  The  guards,  seeing  my  bod- 
ily weakness,  passed  in  to  me  a  bowl  of  their 
broth. 

Then  I  smoked,  —  smoked  to  calm  both  my 
brain  and  the  gnawing  of  my  stomach.  I  have 
repeated  my  request  of  a  fortnight  ago  to  the 
Governor  of  Guiana,  that  I  may  live  at  my  own 
expense,  getting  canned  food  from  Cayenne,  as 
the  law  allows  me  to  do. 

Dear  wife,  at  this  very  moment  does  your 
thought  respond  to  my  own  ?  Do  you  realize 
what  I  am  undergoing  ?  Yes,  I  know,  I  am  sure, 
ycju  feel  all  that  I  am  suffering. 

How  this  one  idea  haunts  me  ceaselessly,  that, 
condemned  for  a  hateful  crime,  I  do  not  under- 
stand anything  about  it !  If  there  is  justice  in 
the  world,  my  untarnished  name  must  be  given 


114  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

back  to  me,  and  the  guilty  one,  the  monster,  must 
suffer  the  punishment  that  his  crime  deserves. 

Tuesday,  April  i6,  1895. 

Exhausted  beyond  measure,  I  have  been  able 
to  sleep.  My  first  thought  as  I  awoke  was  for 
you,  my  dear  and  beloved  Lucie.  I  asked  myself 
what  you  were  doing  at  the  same  moment.  You 
must  have  been  busy  with  our  children.  May 
they  be  your  comfort  if  I  give  way  before  the  end  ! 

Next  I  go  out  to  cut  wood.  After  two  hours 
of  effort,  sweating  profusely,  I  succeed  in  getting 
together  enough  for  my  needs.  At  eight  o'clock 
they  bring  me  a  piece  of  raw  meat  and  bread.  1 
kindle  my  fire.  The  smoke  is  blown  back  by 
the  sea-breeze  and  my  eyes  smart  and  weep.  As 
soon  as  there  are  enough  coals  I  put  the  meat  on 
some  stray  scraps  of  iron  which  I  have  gathered 
together  here  and  there,  and  grill  it.  I  breakfast 
a  little  better  than  yesterday,  though  the  meat  is 
tough  and  dry.  As  to  my  bill  of  fare  for  dinner, 
it  is  very  simple,  —  bread  and  water.  These 
petty  exertions  have  worn  me  out. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  115 

Friday y  April  19,  1895. 

I  have  not  written  for  some  days  because  the 
struggle  for  life  has  occupied  all  my  activities. 
No  matter  what  they  do,  I  will  resist  to  the  last 
drop  of  my  blood. 

The  diet  has  not  changed :  I  cannot  have  my 
canned  goods  ;  they  are  always  waiting  for  orders. 
To-day  I  boiled  my  meat  with  some  wild  peppers 
I  had  found  in  the  island.  This  took  three  hours, 
during  which  my  eyes  suffered  horribly.  How 
miserable ! 

And  never  any  news  from  my  wife  and  my  dear 
ones.     Have  the  letters  been  intercepted  ? 

Worn  out,  thinking  to  calm  my  nerves  by  split- 
ting wood  for  to-morrow,  1  go  to  look  for  the 
hatchet  in  the  kitchen.  "  You  cannot  enter  the 
kitchen,"  calls  out  the  guard.  And  I  go  my  way, 
saying  nothing,  but  without  lowering  my  head. 
Oh,  if  I  could  only  live  in  my  hut  without  ever 
going  out  of  it ! 

From  time  to  time  I  try  to  do  English  trans- 
lations, and  to  forget  myself  in  my  work.      But 


ii6  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

my  brain  is  so  utterly  shaken  that  it  will  not  re- 
spond ;  after  a  quarter  of  an  hour  I  am  forced  to 
give  it  up. 

And  then,  I  find  that  they  intercept  all  my  cor- 
respondence. I  understand  that  they  must  take 
every  possible  and  imaginable  precaution  to  pre- 
vent my  escape  ;  it  is  the  right,  even  the  strict 
duty,  of  the  prison  administration.  But  that  they 
should  bury  me  alive  in  a  sepulchre,  that  they 
should  prevent  all  communication,  even  by  open 
letter,  with  my  family,  —  this  is  against  all  justice. 
You  might  think  we  were  thrown  back  centuries. 
For  six  months  I  have  been  in  close  confinement 
without  being  able  to  help  toward  the  restoration 
of  my  honor. 

Saturday,  April  10,  1895,  11  o'clock 
in  the  morning. 
I  have  finished  my  cooking  for  the  day.  This 
morning  I  cut  my  piece  of  meat  in  two :  one 
piece  is  to  boil ;  the  other  is  for  a  steak.  To 
cook  the  latter,  I  have  contrived  a  grill  from 
an  old  piece  of  sheet-iron  which  I  picked  up  in 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  117 

the  island.  For  drink,  I  have  water.  My  food 
is  ill  prepared  in  old  tin  cans.  I  have  nothing 
with  which  to  clean  these  properly,  and  have  no 
plates.  I  must  pull  together  all  my  courage  to 
live  under  such  conditions,  added  to  all  my 
mental  tortures. 

Utterly  exhausted,  I  am  going  to  stretch  my- 
self out  on  my  bed. 


Night  from  Saturday  to  Sunday ,  1  A.M.. 
To  think  that  in  our  century,  in  a  country  like 
France,  imbued  with  ideas  of  justice  and  truth,  such 
things,  so  utterly  undeserved,  can  come  to  pass. 
I  have  written  to  the  President  of  the  Republic,  I 
have  written  to  the  Ministers,  always  asking  them 
to  seek  out  the  truth.  They  have  no  right  thus 
to  allow  the  honor  of  an  officer  and  his  family  to 
be  undermined  with  no  other  proof  than  a  bit  of 
handwriting,  when  the  government  has  the  means 
of  investigation  necessary  to  bring  out  the  light. 
I  cry  aloud,  in  the  name  of  my  honor,  demanding 
justice. 


ii8  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

I  was  so  hungry  this  afternoon  that,  to  still  the 
gnawings  of  my  stomach,  I  devoured,  raw,  ten 
tomatoes  which   I   found  in  the  island.^ 

My  night  was  feverish.  I  dreamed  of  you, 
dear  Lucie,  and  of  our  dear  children,  as  I  do 
every  night. 

How  you  must  suffer,  my  poor  love ! 

Happily,  our  children  are  still  too  young 
to  realize,  else  what  an  apprenticeship  to  sor- 
row would  be  theirs  !  As  for  me,  no  matter 
what  my  martyrdom,  my  duty  is  to  go  to  the 
end  of  my   strength  without  faltering.     I   shall 

go- 

I  have  just  written  to  Commandant  du  Paty 

to  remind  him  of  the  two  promises  he  made 
me  after  sentence  was  pronounced :  first,  in  the 
name  of  the  Minister  to  continue  the  investiga- 
tions ;  second,  in   his   own   name  personally,   to 

^  Raw  tomatoes  are  considered  in  France  as  inedible  as  raw 
potatoes.  The  lepers  had  cultivated  the  island  a  little,  and  there 
were  still  traces  of  their  gardening.  The  tomatoes,  which  now 
grow  wild,  were  very  numerous. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  119 

warn  me  as  soon  as  there  should  be  new  leakages 
at  the  Ministry. 

The  villain  who  has  committed  the  crime  is  on 
a  fatal  incline  and  will  not  be  able  to  check  his 
descent. 

Sunday i  April  21,  1895. 

The  commandant  of  the  islands  was  kind 
enough  to  send  me  this  morning,  with  my 
meat,  two  cans  of  condensed  milk.  Each  can 
holds  about  three  quarts ;  by  drinking  a  quart 
and  a  half  a  day,  I  shall  have  enough  milk  for 
four  days. 

I  have  stopped  boiling  the  meat,  which  I  could 
not  make  eatable.  This  morning  I  have  cut  it 
into  two  slices,  and  shall  grill  one  of  them  for  the 
morning  meal  and  one  for  the  evening. 

In  the  intervals  of  my  enforced  housework,  I 
continually  think  of  my  darling  wife  and  all  my 
dear  ones,  and  of  all  they  must  suffer. 

May  the  day  of  justice  soon  dawn  ! 

My  days  are  interminable !  every  minute  of 
every  hour  a  long-drawn-out  weariness. 

I  am  incapable  of  any  considerable  physical  ex- 


I20  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

ertion  ;  moreover,  from  ten  in  the  morning  until 
three  in  the  evening  the  heat  makes  it  impossible 
for  me  to  go  out.  I  cannot  work  at  my  English 
all  day  long,  —  my  brain  will  not  stand  it,  —  and  I 
have  nothing  to  read.  My  only  resource  is  a 
perpetual  companionship  with  my  thoughts !  As 
I  was  kindling  the  fire  to  make  my  tea,  I  saw 
the  canoe  coming  from  the  He  Royal e.  I  was 
obliged  to  retire  into  the  hut.  It  is  the  order. 
Do  they  fear,  then,  that  I  shall  communicate  with 
the  convicts  ? 

Monday^  April  11,  1895. 

I  rose  at  daybreak  to  wash  my  linen  and  to  dry 
my  clothing  in  the  sun.  Everything  moulders 
here  because  of  the  mixture  of  dampness  and 
heat.  Quick  showers  of  rain  in  torrents  alternate 
with  burning  heat. 

Yesterday  I  asked  the  commandant  of  the 
islands  for  one  or  two  plates,  of  no  matter  what 
kind;  he  answered  that  he  had  none.  I  am  forced 
to  exercise  my  ingenuity  and  to  eat  either  off 
paper  or  old  scraps  of  iron  gathered  on  the  island. 
The  dirt  I  eat  in  this  way  is  inconceivable. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  121 

I  hold  out  in  spite  of  all,  for  my  wife's  and  my 
children's  sake.  I  am  always  alone,  in  com- 
munion with  my  thoughts.  What  a  martyrdom 
for  an  innocent  man,  as  great  surely  as  that  of 
any  Christian  martyr! 

I  am  still  without  news  from  my  family,  in 
spite  of  my  repeated  demands;  for  two  months  I 
have  had  no  letters. 

I  have  just  received  some  dried  vegetables  in 
old  preserve  cans.  In  trying  to  transform  these 
cans  into  plates,  while  washing  them,  I  cut  my 
fingers. 

I  have  just  been  told  that  I  must  wash  my  own 
linen.  I  have  no  soap  with  which  to  do  it.  I 
have  set  myself  to  the  task  for  two  hours  together, 
but  the  result  is  not  encouraging.  At  all  events, 
the  linen  will  have  been  soaked  in  water. 

I  am  utterly  worn  out.  Shall  I  be  able  to 
sleep  ?  I  doubt  it.  I  have  such  a  mingling  of 
physical  weakness  and  extreme  nervousness  that, 
the  moment  I  am  in  bed,  the  nerves  get  the 
upper  hand,  and  I  am  tortured  with  anxiety  about 
my  dear  ones. 


122  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

Tuesday,  April  23,  1895. 

The  struggle  for  life  continues ;  I  have  never 
perspired  so  profusely  as  this  morning  when  I 
went  to  cut  wood. 

I  have  simplified  my  meals  still  more.  This 
morning, I  made  a  kind  of  stew  with  the  beef  and 
white  beans ;  I  have  eaten  half  of  it  and  shall 
keep  the  other  half  for  the  evening,  thus  having 
to  cook  only  once  a  day. 

But  this  eating  food  cooked  in  old  rusty  uten- 
sils gives  me  violent  colic. 

Wednesday,  April  2/^,  1895. 

To-day  I  had  canned  pork.  I  have  thrown  it 
away.  I  am  going  to  boil  some  dried  peas, 
which  will  be  my  day's  food. 

I  have  had  almost  continual  chills  with  colic. 

Thursday,  April  25,  1895. 
They  give  me  boxes  of  matches  one  by  one, 
and  I  must  always  give  back  the  empty  box. 
This  morning  I  could  not  find  the  empty  box, 
whence  a  scene  and  threats.  I  finally  discovered 
it  in  my  pocket. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  123 

Night  from  Thursday  to  Friday. 

These  sleepless  nights  are  fearful.  I  manage 
to  get  through  the  days  because  I  am  occupied 
with  the  thousand  and  one  details  of  material  life: 
I  must  clean  my  hut,  do  my  cooking,  find  and 
cut  wood,  wash  my  linen,  etc. 

But  as  soon  as  I  He  down,  no  matter  how 
exhausted  I  may  be,  my  nerves  get  the  upper 
hand,  my  brain  begins  working,  and  1  think  of 
home. 

Friday^  April  26,  1895. 

Again  I  have  thrown  away  my  ration  of  canned 
pork.  The  commandant  of  the  island  came 
afterward  and  brought  me  tobacco  and  tea.  In 
place  of  tea  I  should  have  preferred  condensed 
milk,  which  I  have  also  had  the  authorities  ask 
for  at  Cayenne,  for  my  colic  continues.  The 
commandant  has  loaned  me  four  flat  plates,  two 
concave  ones,  and  two  saucepans,  but  has  given 
me   nothing  to  put  in  them. 

I  have  also  received  the  magazines  which  my 
wife  sent  me  ;  but  never  a  letter.  It  is  really 
too  inhuman  ! 


124  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

I  wrote  to  my  wife ;  this  is  one  of  my  rare 
moments  of  calm.  I  always  exhort  her  to  have 
courage  and  energy ;  for  our  honor  must  be 
made  to  appear  to  all,  without  any  exception,  as 
it  has  always  been,  pure  and  stainless. 

The  terrific  heat  takes  away  all  strength  and  all 
physical  energy. 

Saturday,  April  27,  1895. 

On  account  of  the  heat,  I  am  changing  my 
habits.  I  rise  at  daybreak  (half-past  five)  and 
light  my  fire  and  make  coffee  or  tea.  Then 
I  put  the  dried  vegetables  on  the  fire,  and  after- 
ward make  my  bed,  clean  up  my  chamber,  and 
perform  a  summary  toilet. 

At  eight  o'clock  they  bring  me  the  day's  rations. 
I  finish  cooking  the  dried  vegetables,  and  on  meat 
days  place  these  rations  on  the  fire.  Thus  all  my 
cooking  is  over  by  ten  o'clock,  for  I  eat  in  the 
evening  what  is  left  over  from  the  morning. 

At  ten  o'clock  I  lunch.  Next  I  read,  work, 
dream,  and,  most  of  all,  suffer,  until  three  o'clock. 
Then  I  make  a  thorough  toilet.  As  soon  as  the 
heat  has  diminished,  toward  five  o'clock,  I  cut  my 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  125 

wood,  draw  water  from  the  well,  wash  my  linen, 
and  so  on.  At  six  o'clock  I  eat  the  cold  remains 
of  my  luncheon.  Then  I  am  locked  up.  The 
night  is  my  longest  time.  I  have  not  been  able 
to  obtain  permission  to  have  a  lamp  in  my  hut. 
There  is  a  lantern  in  the  guard-post,  but  the  light 
is  too  dim  to  work  by  long.  Nothing  is  left  for 
me  but  to  lie  down,  and  then  my  brain  begins  to 
work ;  all  my  thoughts  turn  to  the  frightful 
drama  of  which  I  am  the  victim,  and  all  my 
memories  centre  about  my  wife  and  children  and 
those  who  are  dear  to  me.  How  all  of  them 
must  suffer  with  me ! 

Sunday,  April  28,  1895. 
The  wind  blows  a  tempest.  The  gusts,  com- 
ing one  after  the  other,  buffet  the  little  hut,  and 
everything  In  it  trembles  under  the  shock. 
How  it  resembles  at  times  the  state  of  my  soul 
in  its  passionate  storms !  Would  that  I  were 
as  strong  and  powerful  as  the  wind  which 
shakes  the  trees  and  uproots  them,  so  that  I 
might  sweep  aside  every  obstacle  that  bars  the 
way  to  the  truth  ! 


126  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

I  would  like  to  cry  aloud  all  my  sufferings, 
and  the  revolt  of  my  heart  against  the  ignominy 
thrust  upon  an  innocent  man  and  his  dear  ones. 
Oh,  what  a  punishment  is  merited  by  the  one 
who  has  committed  this  crime  !  He  has  acted 
like  a  criminal  toward  his  country,  toward  an 
innocent  man,  and  he  has  driven  a  whole  family  to 
despair.  Such  a  man  is  certainly  an  unnatural 
being,  a  monster  ! 

To-day  I  have  learned  how  to  clean  my  kitchen 
utensils.  Until  now  I  simply  washed  them  with 
hot  water,  using  my  handkerchiefs  for  dish-rags. 
In  spite  of  everything  they  remained  dirty  and 
greasy.  Suddenly  I  thought  of  the  ashes,  which 
contain  a  large  proportion  of  potash.  This  com- 
bination has  succeeded  admirably,  but  in  what  a 
state  it  has  put  hands  and  handkerchiefs! 

Just  now  I  have  been  told  that,  until  further 
order,  my  linen  clothes  will  be  washed  at  the 
hospital.  This  is  good  luck,  for  with  the  con- 
stant perspiration  they  are  in  need  of  a  thorough 
scrubbing.  I  hope  this  provisional  measure  will 
be  made  permanent. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  127 

T'he  same  day^  7  d clock  in  the  evening. 

I  have  thought  long  of  you,  dear  Lucie,  and  of 

our  children.       Because   on  Sunday  we    used  to 

spend  the  whole  day  together,  the  time  has  passed 

slowly    to-day,    very    slowly,    for    me,    and    my 

thoughts  grow  sombre  as   the  day  draws  to  an 

end. 

Monday^  April  i(),  1895, 

10  A.  M. 
Never  have  I  been  so  tired  as  this  morning, 
after  having  drawn  water  and  cut  wood.  With  all 
that,  the  luncheon  that  is  waiting  for  me  is  made 
up  of  dried-up  old  beans  which  have  been  on  the 
fire  four  hours  and  will  not  cook,  and  some  nau- 
seating canned  beef.  In  a  debilitating  climate,  my 
waning  physical  strength  cannot  possibly  keep 
up  if  this  repugnant  diet  lasts  much  longer. 

Noon. 
I  have  tried  in  vain  to  sleep.  I  am  worn  out 
with  fatigue ;  but  the  moment  I  cease  to  be  active 
and  lie  down,  the  overwhelming  consciousness 
of  my  sorrows  surges  in,  filling  my  brain,  and  I  feel 
the  bitterness  of  my  unjustifiable  condemnation 


128  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY  LIFE 

rise  from  my  heart  to  my  lips.  My  nerves  are 
so  set  on  edge,  so  racked  that  I  cannot  obtain 
even  a  moment  of  refreshing  sleep. 

With  all  this,  there  is  a  storm  brewing  in  the 
air,  the  sky  is  overcast,  and  the  heat  oppressive, 
stifling. 

I  wish  for  a  change  that  I  could  hear  the 
rain  fall  to  refresh  this  eternally  furnace-like  at- 
mosphere. The  sea  is  pale  green,  the  waves  are 
leaden,  massive  as  if  gathering  for  a  great  up- 
heaval. How  preferable  death  would  be  to  this 
slow  agony,  to  this  constant  martyrdom  !  But 
I  have  no  right  to  think  this;  for  the  sake  of 
Lucie  and  my  children   I   must  struggle  on. 

Wednesday^  May  i,  1895. 

Oh,  the  horrible  nights  !  Yet  I  rose  yester- 
day as  usual,  at  half-past  five,  toiled  all  day  long, 
took  no  siesta,  and  toward  evening  sawed  wood 
for  nearly  an  hour,  until  I  trembled  with  fatigue. 
Yet  I  could  not  sleep  till  long  past  midnight. 

If  only  I  could  read  or  work  through  the 
evening  !     The  lantern  of  the  guard-post,  which 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  129 

is  insufficient  for  my  waking  pursuits,  is  still  too 
strong  for  me  when  I  am  in  bed. 

Thursday,  May  2,  1 1  0^ clock. 

The  mail  from  Cayenne  arrived  yesterday 
evening.  Does  it  bring  me  letters  at  last,  with 
news  of  my  dear  ones  ?  I  have  been  asking  my- 
self this  question  every  minute  since  morning. 
But  I  have  had  so  many  disappointments  during 
these  long  months  and  have  heard  things  so  con- 
trary to  all  ideas  of  common  humanity  that  I 
doubt  everything  and  everyone  except  my  own 
family.  I  am  sure  they  will  get  at  the  truth  and 
will  not  falter  a  moment  in  seeking  for  it. 

I  also  ask  myself  if  my  own  letters  reach  my 
wife.     What  a  frightful  experience  for  all  of  us  ! 

...  So  profound  is  my  solitude  that  often  I 
seem  to  be  lying  alive  in  my  tomb. 

The  same  day,  5  o'clock  in  the  afternoon. 

The   boat  coming   from  the  He   Royale  is  in 

sight.      My  heart  beats  as  though  it  would  burst. 

Does    the    boat    bring   my   wife's    letters,   which 

have    been    at    Cayenne    more    than    a    month  ? 

9 


130  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

Shall  I  read  her  dear  thoughts  and  be  comforted 
by  her  words  of  affection  ? 

My  joy  was  boundless  on  finding  there  were 
letters  for  me  at  last,  but  this  was  soon  followed 
by  a  cruel  disappointment  when  I  saw  they  were 
letters  addressed  to  the  He  de  Re  and  dated 
previous  to  my  departure  from  France.  Are 
they,  then,  suppressing  the  letters  addressed  to  me 
here  ?  Or  do  they  perhaps  send  them  back  to 
France,  so  that  they  may  be  read  there  first  ? 
Could  they  not  at  least  notify  my  family  that 
they  must  send  their  letters  to  me  through  the 
Ministry  ? 

In  spite  of  all,  I  have  sobbed  long  over  these 
letters,  dated  more  than  two  months  and  a  half 
ago.  Could  any  one  possibly  imagine  such  a 
tragedy  ?  .   .  . 

Nothing  of  all  I  had  asked  for  has  come  from 
Cayenne,  neither  cooking  utensils  nor  food. 

Saturday,  May  4,  1895. 
The  dreary  length  of  these  days  in  maddening 
isolation  and  with   no  news  from   home  !      I  ask 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  131 

myself  repeatedly  what  my  dear  ones  are  doing ; 
what  has  become  of  them,  how  they  are,  and 
how  far  their  investigations  have  gone.  My  last 
letter  from  them  was  dated  February  18. 

The  mornings  pass  after  a  fashion.  The 
struggle  for  existence  gives  me  something  defi- 
nite, material,  to  do  from  half-past  five  until  ten 
o'clock.  But  the  food  I  am  taking  is  far  from 
keeping  up  my  strength.  To-day  is  canned 
pork  day.  I  lunched  on  split  peas  and  bread. 
Bill  of  fare  for  dinner :  the  same. 

Why  do  I  so  often  note  the  little  facts  of  my 
daily  life  ?  They  are  but  a  passing  shadow  be- 
fore the  ever  present  anxiety,  that  which  concerns 
my  good  name. 

I  suffer  not  only  from  my  tortures,  but  from 
those  of  the  dear  ones  at  home.  Do  they  even 
receive  my  letters  ?  How  anxious  they  must  be 
about  me,  quite  apart  from  all  their  other 
preoccupations ! 

T^he  same  day,  evening. 

In  the  eternal  silence  reigning  around  me, 
which   is   interrupted    only   by   the  noise  of  the 


132  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

waves  lapping  on  the  rocks,  I  recall  the  letters  I 
wrote  to  Lucie  at  the  beginning  of  my  stay  here, 
in  which  I  dwelt  upon  my  miseries.  What  right 
have  I  to  tear  her  heart  with  my  lamentations, 
when  she  must  suffer  as  much  as  I  do  ?  By 
sheer  force  of  will  I  must  overcome  my  anguish, 
and  by  my  example,  give  my  wife  the  strength 
needed  to  carry  out  her  mission. 

Monday^  May  6,  1895. 

Always  alone  with  this  poor  head  of  mine, 
without  any  news  from  my  beloved  ones. 

Thus  with  my  sorrows  must  I  live  !  Yes,  I 
must  bear  up,  worthily  inspiring  with  courage 
my  wife  and  all  my  family.  No  more  weakness, 
then  !  Accept  your  lot !  You  must  for  your 
children's  sake.  Neither  the  climate  nor  my 
own  strength  permit  me  to  regain  full  mastery  of 
myself,  and  I  try  in  vain  by  hard  manual  labor 
to  control  my  nerves. 

Tuesday^  May  7 ,  1895. 

Since  yesterday  there  has  been  a  deluge  of 
rain,  and  in  the  intervals  the  hot,  stifling,  humid 
air  has  been  unbearable. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  133 

Wednesday,  May  8,  1895. 
I  was  so  wild  to-day  in  this  eternal  silence, 
without  news  of  my  dear  ones  for  nearly  three 
months,  that  for  two  hours  I  tried  to  wear  down 
the  tension  of  my  nerves  by  sawing  and  splitting 
wood.  I  also  succeed  by  force  of  will  in  work- 
ing at  English  again  ;   I  am  studying  it  from  two 

to  three  hours  a  day. 

T'hursdayy  May  9,  1895. 

This  morning,  after  rising  as  usual  at  the 
break  of  day  and  making  my  coffee,  I  had  a  fit 
of  weakness,  followed  by  a  copious  perspiration. 
I  had  to  He  down  on  my  bed.  I  must  struggle 
to  support  my  body  ;  it  must  not  yield  until  my 
honor  is  restored.  Then  only  shall  I  have  the 
right  to  give  way  to  weakness. 

In  spite  of  all  my  efforts  at  self-control,  the 
thought  of  home  brought  an  uncontrollable  out- 
burst of  tears.  Oh,  the  truth  must  surely  be 
revealed.  If  it  is  not  to  be  so,  I  should  wish  to 
hear  that  both  my  children  were  dead.  What 
can  life  have  in  store  for  them,  if  my  good 
name,  their  name,  be  not  vindicated  ? 


134  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

A  frightful  day.     Violent  nervous  chills.     But 
the  soul  must  master  the  body. 

Friday,    May  lo,  1895. 
High   fever   last   night.     The    medicine   chest 
my  wife  gave  me  has  not  yet  been  delivered. 

Saturday,  Sunday,  Monday, 
\      May  II,  12,  13. 
Bad    days.      Fever,\/6tomach    trouble,  disgust 
for  everything.     And  what  is  going  on  in  France 
all   this  time  ?     At  what  point  are  the  investi- 
gations ^. 

Sunburn,  too,  on  my  feet,  because  I  went  out 
without  my  shoes  for  a  few  seconds. 

Thursday,  May  16,  1895. 
Continual  fever.     A  stronger  attack  yesterday 
evening,  followed  by  congestion  of  the  brain.     I 
have   asked    for  the   doctor,   because   I   am    not 
willing  to  give  up  like  this. 

Friday,  May  17,  1895. 
The   doctor    came    yesterday   evening.       He 
ordered   heavy  doses   of  quinine,  and  will   send 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  135 

me  twelve  cans  of  condensed  milk.  It  Is  good 
to  be  able  to  live  on  a  milk  diet  and  no  longer 
to  eat  food,  which  has  become  so  repulsive  to 
me  that  I  have  taken  nothing  for  four  days.  I 
would  never  have  believed  that  the  human  body 
had  such  power  of  endurance. 

Saturday y  May  18,  1895. 

The  condensed  milk  from  the  hospital  was  not 

very  good.     Still,  it  is  better  than  nothing.     It  is 

a  change. 

Sunday,  May  19,  1895. 

A  gloomy  day.  A  tropical  rain  pouring  with- 
out cessation.  My  temperature  has  gone  down, 
thanks  to  the  quinine. 

I  have  placed  on  my  table,  to  have  them 
always  before  my  eyes,  the  pictures  of  my  wife 
and  my  children.     I   must  gather  from  them  all 

my  strength. 

Monday,  May  27,  1895. 

The  gloomy,  monotonous  days  are  hardly  dis- 
tinguishable one  from  another.  I  have  just  writ- 
ten to  my  wife  to  say  that  my  courage  is  unshaken. 


136  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

It  must  be  ;  I  will  have  the  fullest  light  thrown  on 
this  affair. 

Oh,  my  dear  children  !  I  am  like  the  animal 
that  interposes  its  own  body  between  the  hunters 
and  its  little  ones. 

Wednesday,  May  29,  1895. 

Constant  rains  ;  stifling,  heavy,  nerve-irritating 
weather.  Oh,  my  nerves,  how  they  make  me 
suffer  !  To  think  that  my  whole  energy  of  mind 
and  body  can  only  prolong  this  dying  by  inches 
in  a  wilderness. 

But  I  will  have  my  day  yet.  The  author  of 
the  infamous  crime  will  surely  be  unmasked 
some  day.  Oh,  if  I  had  hold  of  him  for  only 
five  minutes  !  I  would  make  him  undergo  some 
of  the  torture  which  he  has  made  me  endure ;  I 
would  tear  out  his  heart  without  pity  ! 

Saturday^  June  i,  1895. 
The  mail-boat  from  Cayenne  has  just  passed 
before  my  eyes.      Shall  I  at  last  have  recent  news 
of  my  wife  and  children  ?     Since  I  left  France, 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  137 

that  is,  since  the  20th  of  February,  I  have  had 
no  tidings  of  my  dear  ones.  What  abominable 
torture  ! 

Sunday,  June  2,  1895. 

Nothing.  Nothing.  Neither  letters  nor  news 
of  them  ;  always  the  silence  of  the  grave. 

But  strong  in  my  conscience  and  in  my  right, 
I  will  hold  out. 

Monday y  June  3,  1895. 

I  have  just  seen  the  mail  steamer  pass  by, 
sailing  for  France.  My  heart  beat  almost  to 
breaking. 

The  mail  will  bring  you,  dearest  Lucie,  my 
last  letters,  in  which  I  cry  to  you.  Courage  and 
courage  again  !  All  France  must  learn  that  I  am 
a  victim  and  not  a  miscreant. 

A  traitor!  At  the  very  word  all  my  blood 
rushes  to  my  head,  everything  in  me  trembles 
with  rage.  A  traitor  !  The  lowest  of  the  low  ! 
Oh,  no,  I  must  live  ;  I  must  master  my  suffer- 
ings, that  I  may  see  the  day  of  the  full  and 
acknowledged  triumph  of  my  innocence. 


138  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

Wednesday^  June  5,  1895. 

How  long  the  hours  are  !  I  have  no  more 
paper  to  write  on,  in  spite  of  my  repeated  re- 
quests for  the  past  three  weeks.  Neither  have  I 
anything  to  read,  or  to  help  me  to  escape  from 
my  thoughts. 

No  news  from  my  dear  ones  for  three  months 
and  a  half! 

Friday^  June  'j,  1895. 

I  have  just  received  some  paper  and  also  a 
few  magazines.     Torrents  of  rain  to-day. 

Under  the  tension  of  my  thoughts  my  brain 
aches  fearfully. 

Sunday  J  June  9,  1895. 
Still  no  letters  from  my  dear  ones.     My  heart 
bleeds.     Everything  wounds  me  ;  death  would  be 
a  deliverance,  yet  I  have  no  right  to  think  of  it. 

Wednesday  J  June  12,  1895. 
At  last  I  have  received  letters  from  my  wife  and 
family.     How  I  can  feel  between  every  line  the 
grief  and  frightful  sorrow  of  all  those  dear  ones  ! 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  139 

The  letters  arrived  here  at  the  end  of  March, 
and  must  certainly  have  been  sent  back  to  France. 
So  it  takes  more  than  three  months  for  mail  to 
reach  me !  I  reproach  myself  for  having  written 
distressing  letters  to  my  wife  when  I  first  arrived 
here.  I  should  have  known  how  to  bear  my 
cross  alone,  rather  than  to  inflict  a  share  of  my 
sufferings  upon  those  who  have  a  cruel  burden  of 
their  own. 

There  is  always  this  constant,  unheard  of,  in- 
comprehensible suspicion,  adding  ever  to  the 
wounds  of  my  lacerated  heart. 

When  he  brought  my  mail,  the  commandant 
of  the  islands  said  to  me  :  — 

"  They  ask  at  Paris  whether  you  or  your 
family  have  not  agreed  on  a  secret  correspondence 
code  ?  " 

"  Look  for  it,"  I  said.  "  What  else  do  they 
think ,?  " 

"  Oh,"  he  replied,  "  they  do  not  appear  to  be- 
lieve in  your  innocence." 

"  Ah  !  I  hope  to  live  long  enough  to  answer  all 
the  infamous  calumnies  which  have  sprung  from 


140  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

the  imaginations  of  people  blinded  by  hate,  passion, 
and  prejudice  ! " 

So,  sooner  or  later,  there  must  come  to  all  the 
unescapable  conviction  of  the  truth,  not  only  con- 
cerning my  condemnation,  but  concerning  also  all 
that  has  been  said  and  done  since. 

I  have  received  my  kitchen  utensils  and,  for  the 
first  time,  canned  food  from  Cayenne.  Material 
life  is  a  matter  of  indifference  to  me,  but  by  taking 
it  into  account  I  shall  be  better  able  to  keep  up 
my  strength. 

The  convicts  are  to  come  for  a  few  days  to 
do  some  work  on  the  island.  So  they  shut  me 
up  in  my  hut  for  fear  that  I  shall  communicate 
with  them.     Oh,  the  hatefulness  of  man  ! 


Here  I  interrupt  my  diary  to  give  a  few  ex- 
tracts from  my  wife's  letters,  which  I  received  on 
June  12.  These  letters  had  really  reached 
Cayenne  at  the  end  of  March,  and  then  been  sent 
back  to  France  to  be  read  by  the  Colonial  Minis- 
try as  well  as  by  the  Ministry  of  War.  Later 
my  wife  was  told  that  she  would  have  to  leave  at 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  141 

the  Colonial  Ministry,  on  the  25th  of  each 
month,  the  letters  which  she  wished  sent  to  me. 
She  was  forbidden  to  mention  in  these  letters  my 
case  or  events  relating  to  it,  even  such  as  were 
matters  of  public  discussion.  Her  letters  were 
read,  studied,  passed  through  many  hands,  and 
often  suppressed  entirely.  Those  that  reached 
me  could  of  course  contain  nothing  of  a  private 
character.  Finally,  owing  to  this  rigid  censor- 
ship, she  was  obliged  to  refrain  from  even  men- 
tioning any  of  the  efforts  made  to  discover  the 
truth,  lest  those  who  were  interested  in  our  ruin 
and  in  smothering  the  facts  might  turn  the  infor- 
mation thus  acquired  to  their  own  uses. 

**  Paris,  February  23,  1895. 
"  I  was  deeply  moved  when  I  learned  upon  my 
return  that  you  had  left  the  He  de  Re.  You  were 
very  far  from  me,  it  is  true,  and  yet  I  could  see 
you  every  week  and  I  longed  for  those  inter- 
views! I  read  your  sufferings  in  your  eyes 
and  dreamed  only  of  lessening  them  for  you  a 
little.  Now  I  have  but  a  single  hope,  a  single 
desire,  to  join  you  and  exhort  you  to  patience. 


142  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

and,  by  the  force  of  my  love  and  tenderness, 
to  help  you  await  calmly  the  hour  of  rehabilita- 
tion. This  is  now  the  last  stage  of  your  suffer- 
ing ;  I  hope  at  least  that  on  the  boat,  during  the 
long  voyage,  you  have  met  humane  persons 
who  will  pity  and  respect  an  innocent  man  and 
martyr.  .  .  . 

"  Not  a  second  passes,  my  adored  husband, 
that  my  thoughts  are  not  with  you.  My  days 
and  nights  drag  on  in  continual  anxiety  for  you. 
Only  think,  I  know  nothing  about  you  and  shall 
know  nothing  until  you  arrive  !  "  .  .  . 

"Paris,  February  26,  1895. 

"  Day  and  night  I  think  of  you,  I  share  your 
sufferings. 

"  Imagine  my  burden  of  spirit  when  I  think  of 
you  so  far  away,  sailing  on  the  sea,  where  storms 
may  come  to  increase  your  moral  torture  by  phy- 
sical suffering.  By  what  fatality  are  we  doomed 
to  such  an  ordeal  ? 

"  If  I  could  but  be  near  you  and  help  you  to 
bear  your  sorrow !     I    have  asked  the  Colonial 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  143 

Minister  for  permission  to  join  you,  and  since 
the  law  allows  the  wives  and  children  of  trans- 
ported convicts  to  accompany  them,  I  do  not  see 
how  he  can  refuse  me  this.  I  am  waiting  for  the 
answer  with  feverish  impatience."  .  .  . 

**  Paris,  February  28,  1895. 

"  I  cannot  tell  you  the  grief  I  feel  as  the  distance 
that  divides  us  grows  greater  and  greater.  My 
days  pass  in  dreadful  thoughts,  my  nights  in 
frightful  dreams.  Only  our  children,  with  their 
pretty  ways,  their  freshness  of  soul,  can  recall  me 
to  the  one  compelling  duty  I  must  fulfil,  and  re- 
mind me  that  I  have  no  right  to  give  way.  So  I 
gather  strength  and  put  my  whole  soul  into  bring- 
ing them  up  as  you  always  desired,  following  your 
wise  counsels  and  endeavoring  to  mould  their 
characters  in  nobleness  and  purity  ;  and  when  you 
return  you  shall  find  them  such  as  you  had 
dreamed  of  guiding  them  to  be." 

"Paris,  March  5,  1895. 
"  With   my  last   letter   I  forwarded  to  you  a 
package  of  magazines  of  every  kind,  that  may  in- 


144  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

terest  you  and  help  you,  as  far  as  possible,  to  find 
the  hours  a  little  less  long  while  waiting  for  the 
good  tidings  of  the  discovery  of  the  guilty  man. 
If  only  —  may  God  grant  it !  —  the  life  awaiting 
you  there  be  not  too  painful ;  if  only  you  do  not 
lack  what  is  absolutely  necessary  to  sustain  your 
body  to  endure  the  rigorous  existence  imposed 
upon  you.  .   .   . 

"  Since  your  departure  from  France,  my  suf- 
fering is  doubled.  I  should  be  a  thousand  times 
less  wretched  if  I  could  be  with  you.  Then  I 
should  at  least  know  how  you  are,  the  state  of 
your  health  and  energy,  and  on  this  score  my 
anxiety  would  be  at  rest.  Lucie." 


Continuation  of  my  Diary 

Saturday^  June  15,  1895. 

This  whole  week  I  have  stayed  shut  up  in  my 
hut  because  of  the  presence  of  the  convicts  who 
came  to  work  at  the  guards'  quarters. 

Nothing  but  suffering. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  145 

Wednesday^  June  19,  1895. 
Dry  heat ;  the  rainy  season  is  near  its  end.  I 
am  all  covered  with  pimples  from  the  bites  of 
mosquitoes  and  all  sorts  of  insects.  But  that 
is  nothing !  What  are  physical  sufferings  as 
compared  to  the  horrible  tortures  of  the  soul  ? 
Merely  infinitesimal.  It  is  the  anguish  of  brain 
and  soul  that  cries  aloud.  When  will  they  dis- 
cover the  guilty  one ;  when  shall  I  know  at  last 
the  truth  of  all  this  ?  Shall  I  live  to  know  it  ? 
Doubt  of  it  assails  me  :  I  feel  myself  falling  into 
black  depths  of  despair.  Then  I  ask  myself, 
what  of  my  poor  Lucie  and  my  children  ?  No, 
I  will  not  abandon  them.  With  all  the  strength 
that  in  me  lies,  so  long  as  I  have  a  shadow  of 
vitality  I  will  keep  faith  with  those  who  belong 
to  me.  I  must  make  whole  my  honor  and  the 
honor  of  my  children. 

Saturday^  June  11^  \\  o'clock,  evening. 
Impossible  to  sleep  for  hours,  after  being  shut 
up  since  half-past  six  in  the  evening. 

Then  all  night  long  there  are  constant  goings 


146  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

and  comings  in  the  guard-room,  and  continual 
noise  of  doors  roughly  opened  and  then  bolted. 
First,  the  guard  on  duty  is  relieved  every  two 
hours ;  besides  this,  another  comes  every  hour  to 
sign  the  book  in  the  guard-room.  These  move- 
ments, this  rattling  of  locks,  have  come  to  be  a 
part  of  my  nightmares. 

When  will  the  end  come  of  so  unendurable  a 
situation  ? 

Tuesday y  June  25,  1895. 

Again,  the  convicts  being  at  work  on  the  island, 
I  am  confined  to  my  hut. 

Friday,  June  28,  1895. 

Always  shut  in  because  the  convicts  are  here. 

By  sheer  will,  I  succeed  in  working  at  English 
three  or  four  hours  a  day  ;  but  the  rest  of  the 
time  my  thoughts  are  always  harking  back  to  the 
horrible  tragedy.  It  often  seems  to  me  that  my 
heart  and  brain  must  burst. 

Saturday,  June  29,  1895. 
I  have  just  seen  the  mail-boat  outward  bound 
for  France.     How  the  word  thrills  through  my 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  147 

soul  !  To  think  that  my  country,  to  which  I 
had  consecrated  all  the  forces  of  my  being,  can 
believe  me  to  be  so  vile.  Ah,  my  burden  is 
sometimes  too  heavy  for  human  shoulders  to 
bear ! 

Thursday^  July  4,  1895. 

I  have  not  had  strength  enough  to  write,  these 
days,  I  have  been  so  upset  by  the  long  delay 
in  the  arrival  of  fairly  recent  letters  from  my 
wife.  The  latest  letters  were  dated  the  25th 
of  May. 

There  is  nothing  new.  The  guilty  man  has 
not  been  discovered  ;  I  suffer  my  family's  tor- 
ment as  if  it  were  all  my  own.  I  do  not 
speak  of  my  thousand  and  one  daily  miseries, 
which  are  like  so  many  wounds  to  a  lacerated 
heart. 

But  I  will  not  give  up  ;  I  must  communicate 
my  own  energy  to  my  wife.  I  will  succeed  in 
my  resolve  to  preserve  the  honor  of  my  name 
and  my  children's. 

Here  are  a  few  extracts  from  the  letters  which 
came  from  my  wife^at  this  time:  — 


148  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

**  Paris,  March  25,  1895. 
"  I  hope  this  letter  will  find  you  in  good 
health.  .  .  .  For  my  part,  I  am  waiting  with  the 
greatest  impatience  for  news  of  your  arrival.  It 
cannot  be  long  delayed,  for  it  has  been  three 
weeks  since  you  started  on  the  way.  What  a 
Calvary  you  have  endured,  and  what  awful  mo- 
ments you  still  must  pass  through  before  we  get 
at  the  truth  !  "  .  .  . 

"Paris,  March  27,  1895. 

"My  heart  is  rent  asunder  when  I  think  of 
your  sufferings  and  of  your  grief,  alone,  in  exile, 
and  having  not  one  soul  near  to  uphold  you  and 
give  you  hope  and  courage.  I  long  so  to  be  near 
you  and  share  your  grief,  and  to  lessen  it  a  little 
by  my  presence.  In  spirit  I  am  far  more  in  the 
lies  du  Salut  than  here;  I  live  there  with  you,  I 
seek  to  see  you  in  those  forlorn  islands,  and  to 
imagine  your  life."  .  .  . 

*'  Paris,  April  6,  1895. 

"  I  read  this  morning  with  emotion  the  story 
of  your  arrival  at  the  lies  du  Salut.  According 
to  the  newspapers,  the  He  dij  Diable  has  been  re- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  149 

served  for  you.  But  although  the  news  of  your 
arrival  has  reached  France,  1  have  so  far  heard 
nothing  from  you.  I  cannot  tell  you  what  my 
sufferings  are,  thus  separated  completely  from 
the  husband  whom  I  so  love,  totally  deprived 
of  news,  and  not  knowing  how  you  are  bearing 
up.  .  .  . 

**Your  wonderful  self-sacrifice,  your  courage, 
and  the  energy  of  your  soul  give  us  strength 
to  carry  out  the  task  which  is  imposed  on  us. 
That  we  shall  bring  it  to  a  successful  end,  I  feel 
certain."   .  .  . 

"Paris,  April  12,  1895. 

**  Never  any  news  from  you.  ...  It  will  soon 
be  two  months  since  I  saw  you,  and  there  has 
been  nothing,  absolutely  nothing.  Not  a  line  of 
your  handwriting  to  bring  me  something  of  your- 
self.     It  is  very  hard."   .   .  . 

"Paris,  April  21,  1895. 

"The  2ist  of  April!    .What  joyful  memories 

it  recalls    to    me !      Five    years    ago    to-day    we 

were  happy.     Four  years  and  a  half  of  a  perfectly 

contented    and    delightful    existence    passed    by. 


I50  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

We  knew  only  happiness.  Then,  all  at  once, 
the  frightful  slipping  away  of  all  !  Have  I  not 
always  told  you  I  had  no  unfulfilled  wishes  ;  that 
I  possessed  all  ?  And  now  I  have  naught  but 
wishes.  I  cry  to  God  with  unceasing  supplica- 
tions that  this  year  may  bring  our  happiness  back 
to  us,  that  our  honor  that  has  been  stolen  from 
us  may  be  restored,  that  you  may  find  once  more 
joy  and  strength."  .  .  . 

*' Paris,  April  24,  1895. 
"  So  far  I  have  received  nothing  from  you ; 
my  heart  is  crushed.  Each  morning  I  hope  and 
wait.  Each  evening  I  lie  down  with  the  same 
disappointment.  Ah,  my  poor  heart,  how  it  is 
torn  ! "  .  .  . 

"Paris,  April  25,  1895. 
"...  I  have  just  passed  the  most  terrible  day 
of  my  life.  A  newspaper  has  announced  that  you 
are  ill.  What  I  endured  on  reading  this  is  be- 
yond all  description.  To  feel  that  you  were 
there,  ill  and  alone  ;  not  to  have  even  the  com- 
fort of  caring  for  you,  —  it  was  agony.  My  soul 
was   whelmed    in  darkness,  and  in   my  distrac- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  151 

tion  I  appealed  to  the  Minister  of  Colonies.  The 
news  was  false !  .  .  .  When  will  your  first  letter 
reach  me  ?     I  wait  for  it  with  childish  impatience." 

"  Paris,  May  5,  1895. 

"  The  letter  I  have  been  expecting  from  you 
with  such  impatience  ever  since  your  arrival  has 
not  yet  come.  Ever  since  I  have  known  that 
the  French  mail  was  in  (since  the  23d  of  April), 
my  heart  beats  fast  at  the  postman's  every  visit, 
and  each  time  I  have  the  same  disappointment. 
It  is  the  same  way  with  my  permit  to  go  to  join 
you.  The  Minister  of  Colonies  has  not  yet 
answered  my  two  successive  demands,  which  date 
from  the  month  of  February  !  What  am  I  to  do, 
what  to  think  ? 

"  Your  little  Pierre  every  evening  prays  ar- 
dently that  you  may  return  soon.  The  poor 
little  fellow,  so  accustomed  to  have  everything  in 
life  smile  on  him,  does  not  understand  why 
his  wishes  are  not  respected.  He  repeats  his 
prayer  twice,  for  fear  that  he  has  not  said  it  well 
enough. " 


152  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

"Paris,  May  9,  1895. 

"At  last  I  have  received  a  letter  from  you.  I 
cannot  tell  you  what  joy  I  felt  and  how  my  heart 
throbbed  at  the  sight  of  your  dear  writing,  at  the 
reading  of  the  first  lines  from  you  which  have 
reached  me  since  your  arrival ;  that  is,  since  two 
months  ago.      I  share  your  suffering.   .   .   . 

Lucie." 


Continuation  of  my  Diary 

Saturday^  July  6,  1895. 

Always  this  hideous  life  of  suspicion,  of 
continual  surveillance,  of  a  thousand  daily  pin- 
pricks. Wrath  is  hot  within  me,  but  out  of 
respect  for  myself  I  give  no  outward  sign  of 
my  feelings. 

Sunday^  July  7,  1895. 

The  convicts  have  finished  their  labor  at  last. 
So  yesterday  and  to-day  I  have  washed  my 
towels,  cleansed  my  dishes  with  hot  water,  and 
mended  my  linen,  which  was  in  a  pitiable  state. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  153 

Wednesday,  July  10,  1895. 

Every  kind  of  vexation  is  being  resumed 
worse  than  ever.  I  can  no  longer  walk  around 
my  hut,  I  cannot  sit  down  behind  it  in  view  of 
the  sea,  —  the  only  place  where  it  is  a  little  cool, 
and  where  there  is  shade.  Finally  I  am  put  on 
convict  diet,  — that  is,  no  more  coffee  and  no  more 
sugar;  a  bit  of  bread  of  inferior  quality  every  day. 
Twice  a  week  250  grammes  (half  a  pound)  of 
meat.  Possibly  this  new  regime  will  also  bring 
with  it  the  suppression  of  the  canned  provisions 
1  received  from  Cayenne. 

Very  well !     I  shall  no  longer  leave  my  hut;  I 

shall  live  on  bread  and  water  and  make  that  last 

as  long  as  it  will. 

Friday y  June  12,  1895. 

It  seems  that  it  is  not  the  convict  rations  which 
are  given  me,  but  special  rations  for  myself. 
Also  that  I  may  continue  to  get  from  Cayenne 
some  canned  goods. 

But  all  this  is  trivial. 

It  is  the  nerves  and  brain  and  heart  that 
really   suffer. 


154  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

I  can  no  longer  sit  in  the  only  place  where  there 
is  a  little  shade,  where  the  sea-breeze  blowing 
full  in  my  face  would  echo  in  vibrations  of  my 
thought. 

Same  day^  evening. 

I  have  received  my  canned  provisions  from 
Cayenne. 

The  martyrdom  they  make  me  endure  is  too 
fearful.  It  is  their  duty  to  guard  me,  to  prevent 
my  going  away,  —  if  so  be  that  I  have  ever 
shown  the  intention,  for  the  only  thing  I  seek 
and  wish  is  my  honor,  —  but  I  am  followed  every- 
where ;  all  I  do  is  a  matter  of  suspicion  and 
rebuke.  When  I  walk,  they  say  I  am  tiring  out 
the  guard  who  must  accompany  me,  and  if  I  say 
that  I  will  not  leave  my  hut,  they  threaten  to 
punish  me.  But  in  the  end  the  day  of  light  will 
come. 

Sunday^  July  14,  1895.^ 
I  have  looked  at  the  tricolor  flag  floating  every- 
where, the  flag  I   have  loyally  served.      My  pen 

*  The  fete-day  of  the  Republic,  the  French  National  holiday. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  155 

falls   from   my  fingers.     Some  feelings  cannot  be 
expressed  in  words. 

Tuesday^  yuly  16,  1895. 

The  heat  is  becoming  unbearable ;  the  more 
because  the  part  of  the  island  where  my  hut  is 
situated  is  completely  bare.  The  cocoa-palms 
grow  only  in  the  other  part,  which  is  unoccupied. 

I  pass  the  greater  part  of  my  days  indoors. 
Nothing  to  read !  The  silence  of  death  ever 
around  me  ! 

And  during  this  time  what  is  becoming  of  my 
wife  and  children  '^. 

Saturday^  July  20,  1895. 

The  days  pass  by  in  frightful  monotony,  and  I 
am  ever  anxiously  waiting  for  a  better  morrow. 

My  sole  occupation  is  to  work  a  little  at 
English. 

These  are  the  pangs  of  death  suffered  by  a 
living  heart ! 

Torrents  of  rain  in  the  afternoon,  followed  by 
a  hot  stifling  mist.     Fever  for  me. 


156  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

Sunday,  July  21,  1895. 
Fever  all   last   night ;    constant  inclination   to 
vomit.     The    guards    seem    to   be  as  much   de- 
pressed as   I   am    by   the  climate. 

I'uesday,  July  23,  1895. 
Again  a  bad  night.  Rheumatic,  or  rather  neu- 
ritic,  pains  constantly  shifting,  sometimes  between 
my  ribs,  sometimes  locating  themselves  across 
the  shoulders.  But  I  struggle  against  my  body  ,' 
I  want  to  live.      I  must  see  the  end. 

Wednesday,  July  24,  1895. 
I  am  also  becoming  melancholy.     I  never  see 
a   kindly   face ;    I    can    never    open   my   mouth ; 
night  and  day  my  heart  and  brain  are  stifled  in 
an  eternal  silence. 

Sunday,  July  28,  1895. 
The  mail  from  France  has  just  come.     But  my 
letters  go  first  to  Cayenne  and  then  come  back 
here,  although  they  have  already  been  read  and 
checked  oflT  in  France. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  157 

Monday^  July  29,  1895. 
Always  the  same  thing,  alas  !      Days  and  nights 
pass  in  struggling  with  myself,  in  calming  the  ex- 
citement of  my  brain,  in  stifling  my  heart's  impa- 
tience, in  rising  above  the  miseries  of  my  life. 

Evening. 
A  heavy,  stifling,  irritating  day.      My  nerves 
are  stretched  like  violin  strings.     This  is  the  dry 
season  and  may  last  until  January.     Let  us  hope 
that  everything  will  be  finished  by  that  time. 

T'uesday,  July  30,  1895. 
A  guard  has  just  left,  worn  out  by  the  fevers 
of  the  place.  LJe  is  the  second  one  that  has  been 
forced  to  go  away  since  I  have  been  here.  I  re- 
gret him,  for  he  was  an  honest  man,  doing  strictly 
and  loyally,  and  with  tact  and  moderation,  the 
service  expected  of  him. 

Wednesday^  July  31,  1895. 
All  last  night  I  dreamed  of  you,  my  dear  Lucie, 
and  of  our  children.     I  wait  with  feverish  impa- 
tience for  the  mail  that  is  coming  from  Cayenne. 


158  FIVE    YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

I    hope  it  will  bring  me  my   letters.     Will  they 

contain    good    news  ?     Are  they  at    last   on  the 

track  of  the  wretch  who  committed  the  infamous 

deed? 

'Thursday ^  August  i,  noon. 

The  mail  from  Cayenne  arrived  this  morning 

at  a  quarter  after  seven. 

Does  it  bring  my  letters  ?     Up  to  now  nothing 

has  come. 

Half-past  four  d clock. 

Still  nothing.     Terrible  hours  of  waiting. 

9  d clock  in  the  evening. 
Nothing  has  come.     What  a  bitter  disappoint- 
ment ! 

Friday^  August  2,  1895,  morning. 

What  a  horrible  night  I  have  passed !  And  I 
must  struggle  on  always  and  ever.  I  have  some- 
times a  crazy  desire  to  sob,  sob  aloud,  my  sorrow 
is  so  overwhelming ;  but  I  must  hold  back  my 
tears.  I  should  be  ashamed  to  show  my  weak- 
ness before  the  men  who  guard  me  night  and  day. 

Not  even  for  an  instant  am  I  alone  with  my 
grief.      Ever    an    eye    suspiciously  watching  me. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  159 

These    trials    wear    me    out,    and    to-day    I    am 

broken  in  body  and  spirit.     But  I  am  going  to 

write  to  Lucie,  hiding    my  condition  from  her,  to 

inspire    her  with    courage.      Our    children    must 

take    up    their    careers,    with    heads    held    high, 

whatever  happens  to  me. 

7  o'clocky  evening. 

My  mail  has  been  in  for  some  time,  but  they 
have  just  brought  it  to  me.  No  new  develop- 
ments as  yet ;  but  I  shall  have  the  necessary 
patience.  The  machinations  of  which  I  am  the 
victim  must  be  discovered  ;  it  must  be  so.  I  can 
still  suffer. 

Here  are  a  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters, 
which  I  received  on  the  evening  of  August  1 : 

"  Paris,  June  6,  1895. 
"  I  am  waiting  with  the  keenest  anxiety  for 
some  letters  from  you,  to  reassure  me  as  to  your 
health,  of  which  I  hope  you  are  taking  good 
care.  The  boat  arrived  on  the  23d  of  May ;  it 
is  now  the  6th  of  June,  and  your  letters  have  not 
yet  reached  me.     Each  time  the  postman  comes, 


i6o  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

it  gives  me  a  new  start,  a  very  useless  emotion. 

My  thoughts  are  all  for  you,  my  life  is  bound  up 

in  yours."  .  .  . 

"  Paris,  June  7,  1 895. 

"  While  writing  you,  I  have  just  been  inter- 
rupted by  the  arrival  of  your  dear  letters.  .  .  . 
From  your  energy  I  drew  courage  for  myself. 
It  is  you  who  sustain  me.  .  .  .  On  the  other 
hand,  that  I  can  live  thus  separated  from  you  and 
tormented  by  cruel  suffering,  is  because  my  hope 
is  boundless  and  my  confidence  in  the  future  abso- 
lute. My  longing  for  you  is  so  imperative  that 
I  have  made  a  new  appeal  that  I  may  go  and 
share  your  exile.  Thus  I  should  at  least  have 
the  happiness  of  living  the  same  life  as  you,  of 
being  near  you  and  of  proving  my  great  affection 
for  you. 

"I  pass  hours  in  reading  and  re-reading  your 
letters ;  they  are  my  consolation  while  waiting  for 
the  happiness  of  meeting  you  again.   .  .  . 

Lucie." 

When  I  saw  what  my  condition  of  life  was  to 
be  at  the  lies  du  Salut,  I   had  no  illusion  as  to 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  i6i 

the  answer  to  my  wife's  requests  to  come  and 
join  me.  I  knew  they  would  be  consistently 
refused. 


Continuation  of  my  Diary 

Saturday^  August  3,  1895. 

I  did  not  close  my  eyes  all  night.  All  these 
emotions  overcome  me. 

To  have  afflictions  thus  heaped  upon  one  un- 
justly and  to  be  able  to  do  nothing,  nothing  to 

remedy  them ! 

Sunday^  August  4,  1895. 

I  have  passed  two  hours,  from  half-past  five  to 
half-past  seven,  in  washing  my  clothes,  towels, 
and  dishes.  That  sort  of  labor  tires  me  out,  but 
it  does  me  good  all  the  same.  Ah,  I  mean  to 
struggle  all  I  can  against  the  climate  and  against 
my  torture.  Before  giving  up  I  must  know  that 
my  honor  is  again  acknowledged  by  the  world. 

But  how  long  the  nights  and  days  are! 

I  have  received  no  magazines  for  two  months, 
and  have  nothing  to  read. 


i62  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

I  never  open  my  mouth ;  I  am  more  silent 
than   a   Trappist. 

I  had  them  ask  in  Cayenne  for  a  box  of  car- 
penter's tools  that  I  might  occupy  myself  a  little 
with  manual  labor.  This  has  been  refused  me. 
Why  ?  Another  riddle  which  I  will  not  try  to 
solve.  For  nine  months  I  have  found  myself 
face  to  face  with  so  many  enigmas  upsetting  my 
reason,  that  I  must  stop  thinking  and  try  to  live 
unconsciously. 

Monday^  August  5,  1895. 
The  heat  is  becoming  terrific  and  my  spirits 
are   inexpressibly  low,  crushed   by  the  weariness 
of  these  past  nine  months. 

Saturday^  August  10,  1895. 
I  do  not  know  how  far  I  can  go,  my  heart  and 
brain  cause  me  so  much  suffering,  and  this  dread- 
ful tragedy  so  unhinges  my  reason  !  All  my  belief 
in  human  justice,  honesty,  and  righteousness  has 
completely  forsaken  me  in  the  light  of  the  horrible 
facts ! 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  163 

If  I  then  succumb  and  these  lines  reach  you, 
my  dear  Lucie,  believe  that  I  have  withstood  all 
that  it  was  humanly  possible  to  resist.   .   .  . 

Be  courageous  and  strong!  May  our  children 
become  your  comfort,  may  they  inspire  you  to  do 
your  duty  ! 

When  one  has  the  testimony  of  his  conscience 
that  he  has  always  and  everywhere  done  his  duty, 
he  can  bear  himself  at  all  times  and  in  all  places 
with  head  erect  and  claim,  as  his  right,  what  we 
claim,  our  stainless  honor. 

Monday,  September  2,  1895. 

For  a  long  time  I  have  added  nothing  to  my 
diary. 

What  is  the  use  of  it  ? 

Let  us  hope  there  will  soon  be  an  end  to  this. 
I  am  so  utterly  weary !  Yesterday  I  had  a  fainting- 
fit ;  my  heart  all  at  once  ceased  to  beat,  and  I  felt 
myself  unconsciously  drifting  away,  without  suf- 
fering. Exactly  what  it  was  I  have  not  been  able 
to  determine. 

I  am  waiting  for  my  mail. 


i64  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

Friday,  September  6,  1895. 

Still  I  have  no  letters.  Are  there  words  to  ex- 
press the  torture  of  such  suspense  ?  Happy  are 
the  dead ! 

And  to  be  obliged  to  live  on  so  long  as  the 
heart  shall  beat ! 

Saturday,  September  7,  1895. 
Letters  have  this  moment  come.     The  guilty 
person  has  not  yet  been  discovered. 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received 
on  this  date  :  — 

"  Paris,  July  8,  1895. 

"Your  letters  of  May  and  of  the  3d  of  June 
have  reached  me.  They  have  done  me  immense 
good.  It  seemed  1  heard  you  speak,  that  your 
dear  voice  sounded  in  my  ears ;  something  of 
yourself  had  come  to  me  at  last,  your  noble  and 
beautiful  thoughts  were  reflected  in  my  mind. 
To  say  that  I  did  not  weep  when  I  received  letters 
so  impatiently  awaited  would  be  a  falsehood;  but 
I  saw  with  intense  happiness  that  you  had  be- 
come master  of  yourself  again.     You  are  uphold- 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  165 

ing  us  all.     Your  example  fortifies  us  in  the  task 
that  we  have  set  for  ourselves.  .  .  . 

"  I  was  touched  to  the  depths  of  my  soul  by  the 
letter  you  wrote  to  our  Pierre.  He  was  enchanted, 
and  his  childish  face  lighted  up  when  I  read  your 
lines  over  to  him  ;  he  knows  them  by  heart. 
When  he  speaks  of  you,  he  is  all  aflame." 

*' Paris,  July  lo,  1895. 

"  I  again  urge  you  to  have  courage  and  pa- 
tience ;  with  unflagging  purpose  we  shall  sur- 
mount all  obstacles  and  attain  to  the  truth  of  the 
mystery  that  imposes  on  us,  such  tragic  humilia- 
tions. It  is  my  one  aim,  my  sole  desire  and 
fixed  idea,  as  of  Mathieu,  and  of  all  of  us,  to 
give  you  the  supreme  happiness  of  beholding 
your  innocence  blazoned  forth  to  the  world  in 
the  light  of  day.  I  will  succeed  in  unmasking 
those  who  have  been  guilty  of  so  monstrous  an 
iniquity.  If  we  were  not  ourselves  the  victims 
of  this  horrible  crime,  I  would  not  believe  that 
there  could  exist  men  cowardly  and  perverse 
enough   to  rend   from   a   family   its   pride  in   its 


i66  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

stainless  name,  and  to  allow  an  officer  in  every 
way  above  reproach  to  be  condemned,  without 
their  consciences  forcing  from  them  a  cry  of 
confession.  Lucie." 


Continuation  of  my  Diary 

September  22,  1895. 

Palpitation  of  the  heart  all  last  night.  Con- 
sequently I  am  very  weak  this  morning.   .   .  . 

Truly  one's  mind  becomes  perplexed  in  dwell- 
ing on  such  deeds. 

Condemned  on  the  evidence  of  handwriting,  it 
will  soon  be  a  year  since  I  asked  for  justice ;  and 
the  justice  I  demand  is  the  unmasking  of  the 
wretch  who  wrote  that  infamous  letter. 

We  are  not  in  the  presence  of  a  commonplace 
crime,  of  which  we  know  neither  the  particulars 
nor  the  ramifications.  In  this  case  they  are 
known,  and  so  the  truth  can  be  discovered  when- 
ever an  honest  effort  is  made. 

However,  the  method  matters  nothing  to  me. 
What  bewilders  my  mind  and  reason  is  that  they 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  167 

have  not  as  yet  succeeded  in  clearing  up  this 
horrible  mystery.  .  .  . 

What  a  hfe  for  a  man  who  placed  no  one's 
integrity  above  his  own  ! 

Death  would  be  a  blessing,  yet  I  have  not  even 
the  right  to  think  of  it ! 

September  27,  1895. 

Such  torment  finally  passes  the  bounds  of 
human  strength.  It  renews  each  day  the  poi- 
gnancy of  the  agony.  It  crushes  an  innocent  man 
alive  into  the  tomb. 

Ah,  I  leave  the  consciences  of  those  men  who 
have  condemned  me  on  the  sole  evidence  of 
a  suspected  handwriting,  without  any  tangible 
proofs,  without  witnesses,  without  a  motive  to 
make  so  infamous  an  act  conceivable,  to  be 
their  judges. 

If  only  after  my  condemnation  they  had  reso- 
lutely and  actively  followed  out,  as  they  had 
promised  me  in  the  name  of  the  Minister  of 
War,  the  investigations  to  unmask  the  guilty 
man! 


i68  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

And  then  there  is  a  way  through  diplomatic 
channels. 

A  government  has  all  the  machinery  necessary 
to  investigate  such  a  mystery ;  it  is  morally  com- 
pelled to  do  it. 

Ah,  human  nature  with  its  passions  and  hatreds, 
with  its  moral  hideousness  ! 

Ah,  men,  to  whom,  compared  with  their  selfish 
interests,  all  else  matters  little  ! 

Justice  is  a  good  thing  —  when  there  is  plenty 
of  time  and  nobody  is  inconvenienced  ! 

Sometimes  I  am  so  despairing,  so  worn  outj 
that  I  have  a  longing  to  lie  down  and  passively 
let  my  life  ebb  away.  I  cannot  by  my  own  act 
hasten  the  end.  I  have  not,  I  shall  never  have, 
that  right. 

The  misery  of  my  situation  is  becoming  too 
unbearable. 

It  must  end  !  My  wife  must  make  her  voice 
heard,  —  the  voice  of  the  innocent  crying  out 
for  justice. 

If  I  had  only  my  own  life  to  struggle  for,  I 
should  strive  no  longer ;  but  it  is  for  our  honor 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  169 

that  I  live  and  must  struggle  inch  by  inch  to  the 
end. 

Bodily  pains  are  nothing;  heart-ache  is  the 
terrible  thing. 

September  29,  1895. 

Violent  palpitation  of  the  heart  this  morning. 
I  was  suffocating.  The  machine  falters ;  how  long 
has  it  still  to  run  ? 

Last  night  also  I  had  a  fearful  nightmare,  in 
which  1  called  you  loudly,  my  poor  dear  Lucie. 

Ah,  if  there  were  only  myself,  my  disgust  for 
men  and  things  is  so  deep  that  I  should  aspire 
only  to  the  great  rest,  to  the  rest  that  is  eternal. 

October  i,  1895. 
I  no  longer  know  how  to  write  down  my  feel- 
ings ;  the  hours  seem  centuries  to  me. 

October  5,  1895. 
I   have  received   letters   from   home.     Always 
nothing !     From   all   these  letters  rises   such   an 
agonized  cry  of  suffering  that  my  whole  being  is 
shaken  to  its  depths. 


lyo  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

I  have  just  written  the  following  letter  to  the 
President  of  the  Republic  :  — 

"  Accused,  and  then  condemned,  on  the  evi- 
dence of  handwriting,  for  the  most  infamous 
crime  which  a  soldier  can  commit,  I  have  de- 
clared, and  I  declare  once  again,  that  I  did  not 
write  the  letter  which  was  charged  against  me, 
and  that  I  have  never  forfeited  my  honor. 

**  For  a  year  I  have  been  struggling  alone  in 
the  consciousness  of  innocence,  against  the  most 
terrible  fatality  which  can  pursue  a  man.  I  do 
not  speak  of  physical  sufferings  ;  they  are  nothing; 
the  sorrows  of  the  heart  are  everything.  To  suf- 
fer thus  is  frightful  in  itself,  but  to  feel  that  those 
who  are  dear  to  me  are  suffering  with  me  is  the 
crowning  agony.  My  whole  family  writhes  under 
punishment  inflicted  for  an  abominable  crime 
which  I  never  committed. 

"  I  do  not  come  to  beg  for  grace,  or  favors,  or 
alleviating  assurances  ;  what  I  ask  is  that  light,  re- 
vealing and  penetrating  light,  may  be  thrown  upon 
this  cabal  of  which  my  family  and  I  are  the  un- 
happy victims. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  171 

"  That  I  live  on.  Monsieur  le  President,  is 
because  the  sacred  duty  which  I  have  to  fulfil 
toward  my  own  upholds  me ;  otherwise  I  should 
long  since  have  succumbed  under  a  burden  too 
heavy  for  human  shoulders. 

"In  the  name  of  my  honor,  torn  from  me  by  an 
appalling  error,  in  the  name  of  my  wife,  in  the 
name  of  my  children,  —  oh.  Monsieur  le  Presi- 
dent, at  this  last  thought  alone  my  father's  heart, 
the  heart  of  a  loyal  Frenchman  and  an  honorable 
man,  is  pierced  with  grief,  —  I  ask  justice  from 
you  ;  and  this  justice  that  I  beg  of  you  with  all  my 
soul,  with  all  the  strength  of  my  heart,  with  hands 
clasped  in  prayer,  is  that  you  search  out  the 
secret  of  this  tragic  history,  and  thus  put  an  end 
to  the  martyrdom  of  a  soldier  and  of  a  family  to 
whom  their  honor  is  their  all." 

I  am  writing  also  to  Lucie,  bidding  her  to  act 
on  her  side  with  energy  and  resolution,  for  this 
cruelty  will  in  the  end  destroy  us  all. 

They  tell  me  that  I  think  more  of  the  suffer- 
ings of  others  than  of  my  own.  Ah,  yes,  assuredly, 
for    if   I    were  alone  in  the  world,  if  I  allowed 


172  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY    LIFE 

myself  to  think  only  of  myself,  long  since  my 
tongue  would  have  been  silenced  forever.  It  is 
the  thought  of  Lucie  and  my  children  that  gives 
me  strength. 

Ah,  my  darling  children,  to  die  is  a  small  mat- 
ter, could  I  but  know  before  I  die  that  your  name 
had  been  cleared  of  this  stain  ! 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received 

by  me  in  October  :  — 

"  Paris,  August  4,  1895. 

"I  have  not  the  patience  to  wait  for  your  letters 

before  writing  you  ;   I  need  to  speak  a  little  with 

you,  to  draw  near  to  your  noble  soul,  so  tried,  and 

to  draw  from  you  a  new  stock  of  strength  and 

courage." 

**  Paris,  August  12,  1895, 

"  At  last  I  have  received  your  letters;  I  devour 
them,  read  and  re-read  them,  with  a  greediness 
never  satisfied. 

"  When  shall  I  by  my  solicitude  and  my  affec- 
tion be  able  to  efface  in  you  the  remembrance  of 
the  atrocious  days  of  this  haunted  year,  which 
has  left  in  our  hearts  such  deep  wounds  ?     I  wish 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  173 

I  could  triple  my  strength,  to  hasten  the  time  so 
anxiously  awaited,  and  to  show  to  the  whole  world 
that  our  honor  is  untarnished,  despite  the  infamy 
with  which  they  have  sought  to  besmirch  us." 

**  Paris,  August  19,  1895. 

"  When  I  wish  to  lessen  a  little  the  nervous 
anxiety  of  waiting,  to  cool  the  fever  of  my  im- 
patience, I  come  to  you  and  thus  renew  my 
composure  and  my  strength. 

"What  breaks  my  heart  is  to  think  that  you 
must  bear  alone  this  awful  suspense.  You  are 
torturing  your  mind  to  clear  up  the  mystery,  while 
your  poor  heart  and  your  upright  conscience  can- 
not realize  such  infamy.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

October  6,  1895. 
Awful  heat.     The  hours  are  leaden. 

October  14,  1895. 
Violent  wind.     Impossible    to    go    out.     The 
day  is  of  terrible  length  ! 


174  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

October  26,  1895. 

I  no  longer  know  how  I  live.  My  brain  is 
crushed.  Ah,  to  say  that  I  do  not  suffer  beyond 
all  expression,  that  often  I  do  not  aspire  to  eter- 
nal rest,  that  this  struggle  between  my  deep  dis- 
gust for  men  and  things  and  my  duty  is  not 
terrible,  would  be  a  lie. 

But  each  time  that  I  fail,  in  my  long  nights  or 
in  my  solitary  days,  each  time  that  my  reason, 
wavering  from  so  many  shocks,  finally  asks  how, 
after  a  life  of  toil  and  honor,  it  is  possible  I  should 
be  here,  then,  when  I  would  close  my  eyes  to 
hear  and  think  and  suffer  no  more,  with  a  vio- 
lent effort  I  regain  the  mastery  of  myself,  and 
cry  aloud :  "  You  are  not  alone.  You  are  a 
father.  You  must  stand  up  for  the  good  name 
of  your  wife  and  of  your  children."  And  I  be- 
gin again  with  new  strength,  to  fall,  alas !  a  little 
farther  on,  and  then  begin  again. 

This  is  my  daily  life. 

October  30,  1895. 
Violent  heart  spasms. 

The    sultry    weather    takes    away    all    energy. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  175 

This  is  the  changeable  weather  preceding  the 
rainy  season,  the  worst  period  of  the  year  here  in 
Guiana. 

Night  from  the  id  to  3^  November^  1895. 

The  mail-boat  is  in  from  Cayenne,  but  there 
are  no  letters. 

I  believe  it  impossible  to  express  the  keen  dis- 
appointment one  experiences  when,  after  anxiously 
waiting  during  a  long  month  for  news  of  one's 
dear  ones,  nothing  comes. 

But  so  many  arrows  have  pierced  my  heart  for 
more  than  a  year  that  I  can  no  longer  reckon 
each  fresh  wound. 

Yet  this  emotion  to  which  I  should  be  well 
inured,  since  it  is  renewed  so  often,  has  broken 
me  so,  that  although  I  rose  this  morning  at  half- 
past  five  and  have  walked  at  least  six  hours 
to    calm  my   nerves,  it  is  impossible   for  me   to 

sleep. 

November  \^  1895. 

Terrific  heat,  over  45°  Centigrade  (113  Fah- 
renheit). 


176  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

Nothing  is  so  depressing,  nothing  so  wears  on 
heart  and  mind,  as  these  long,  agonizing  silences, 
never  hearing  human  speech,  seeing  no  friendly 
face,  or  even  one  that  shows  a  little  sympathy. 

November  7,  1895. 

What  has  become  of  the  mail  that  has  been 
sent  me  ?  Where  has  it  stopped  ?  Has  it  re- 
mained in  Paris  or  at  Cayenne?  How  many  dis- 
tressing questions  I  ask  myself  every  hour  of 
the  day. 

I  constantly  wonder  if  I  am  really  awake,  or  if 
I  dream,  so  incredible,  unimaginable,  is  all  that 
has  occurred  during  the  year. 

To  have  left  my  native  Alsace,  to  have  given 
up  an  independent  situation  amid  my  own  people, 
to  have  served  my  country  single-heartedly,  only 
to  find  myself  one  fine  day  accused  and  then  con- 
demned for  a  crime  as  contemptible  as  it  is 
hateful,  on  the  ground  of  the  handwriting  of  a 
suspicious  paper,  —  is  this  not  enough  to  shatter 
one's  whole  life } 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  177 

November  9,  1895. 
Day  terribly  long.     The  first  rains.     Obliged 
to  shut  myself  up  in  my  hut.     Nothing  to  read. 
The  books   announced  in  the  letter  of  August 
have  not  reached  me  yet. 

'November  15,  1895. 

I  have  at  last  received  my  mail.  The  guilty 
one  is  not  yet  discovered. 

I  shall  soon  reach  the  end  of  my  strength, 
which  is  declining  daily.  It  has  been  a  ceaseless 
struggle  to  resist  this  deadly  isolation,  this  per- 
petual silence,  in  a  climate  which  drains  one  of  all 
energy,  with  nothing  to  do,  nothing  to  read, 
alone  with  my  sad  thoughts. 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  which  I 
received  November  15,  1895  :  — 

"Paris,  September  5,  1895. 

"  What  long  hours  and  days  we  have  passed 

since  the  hour  when  our  frightful  misfortune  came 

to  strike  us  down  at  a  blow  !     Let  us  hope  that 

we  have  at  length  mounted  the  steepest  part  of  our 


178  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

Calvary ;  that  we  have  passed  through  the  bitter- 
est of  the  anguish.  Our  consciences  alone  have 
given  us  the  strength  to  endure  the  horror 
of  our  martyrdom.  God,  who  has  so  cruelly 
tried  us,  will  give  us  the  strength  to  fulfil 
our  duty  to  the  end.  ...  I  understand  your 
anguish  and  share  it;  like  you  at  times  I  lose  all 
patience ;  the  time  seems  so  long  and  the  hours 
of  waiting  too  cruel !  But  then  I  think  of  you, 
of  the  example  of  noble  courage  which  you  give 
me,  and  I  draw  strength  from  your  love."  .  .  . 

"Paris,  September  25,  1895. 

"  This  is  the  last  letter  I  shall  write  you  by  this 
mail.  I  so  ardently  hope  that  it  may  find  you  in 
good  health  and  always  strong  and  courageous. 
I  cannot  come  to  join  you  ;  I  have  not  yet  per- 
mission. For  me  the  waiting  is  cruel,  and  it  is 
one  more  bitter  disappointment  to  add  to  so  many 
others.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

At  the  foot  of  this  letter  were  the  following 
lines  from  my   brother    Mathieu  :  — 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  179 

"  I  have  received  your  good  letter,  my  dear 
brother,  and  it  is  a  great  consolation  and  a  great 
comfort  to  me  to  know  that  you  are  so  strong  and 
courageous.  It  is  not  'hope'  that  I  say  to  you, 
but '  have  faith,  have  confidence  ; '  it  is  impossible 
that  an  innocent  man  should  suffer  for  a  guilty 
one.  There  is  no  day  that  I  am  not  with  you  in 
mind  and  in  heart.  Mathieu." 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

November  20j  1895. 

I  will  not  speak  of  the  daily  pin-pricks,  for  I 
despise  them.  It  is  enough  for  me  to  ask  from 
the  chief  guard  anything  of  common  necessity, 
no  matter  how  insignificant,  to  have  my  request 
abruptly  and  instantly  refused.  Accordingly,  I 
never  renew  a  request,  preferring  to  go  without 
everything  rather  than  humiliate  myself. 

But  my  reason  will  end  by  sinking  under  the 
strain  of  this  inconceivable  treatment. 

December  3,  1895. 
I  have  not  yet  received  the  mail  of  the  month 
of  October. 


i8o  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

A  gloomy  day  with  ceaseless  rain.  The  air 
full  of  tangible  darkness.  The  sky  black  as  ink. 
A  real  day  of  death  and  burial. 

How  often  there  comes  to  my  mind  that  excla- 
mation of  Schopenhauer  at  the  thought  of  human 
iniquity  :  — 

"  If  God  created  the  world,  I  would  not  care  to 
be  God." 

The  mail  from  Cayenne  has  come,  it  seems, 
but  has  not  brought  my  letters  !  .  .  .  Nothing 
to  read,  no  avenue  of  escape  from  my  thoughts. 
Neither  books  nor  magazines  come  to  me  any 
more. 

I  walk  in  the  daytime  until  my  strength  is 
exhausted,    to    calm     my    brain    and     quiet    my 

nerves. 

December  5,  1895. 

What  does  conscience  count  for  nowadays  ? 
To  think  there  are  men  who  call  themselves 
honorable,  like  that  man  Bertillon,  who  has  dared 
to  swear  without  compunction  that  since  the 
handwriting  of  that  infamous  letter  slightly  re- 
sembles mine,  therefore  I  alone  could  have  penned 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  i8i 

it.  As  to  moral  or  other  proofs,  they  were  of 
little  consequence  !  If  any  capacity  of  human 
suffering  still  exists  in  such  men,  1  hope  that  on 
the  day  when  the  real  culprit  shall  be  unmasked, 
they  may  put  a  bullet  through  their  heads  as  an 
expiation  of  the  misery  they  have  visited  on  a 
whole  family. 

December  7,  1895. 

How  often  I  feel  it  beyond  my  power  to  sup- 
port this  life  of  constant  suspicion  and  uninter- 
rupted surveillance  by  day  and  by  night,  caged  as 
I  am,  like  a  wild  beast,  and  treated  like  the  vilest 
of  criminals ! 

December  8,  1895. 

Racking,  violent  neuralgia  in  the  head,  which 
increases  every  day.  What  a  martyrdom,  every 
hour,  every  minute! 

And  always  this  silence  of  the  tomb,  with  never 
the  sound  of  a  human  voice. 

A  word  of  sympathy,  a  friendly  look,  may  prove 
a  balm  to  cruel  wounds  and  soothe  for  a  time  the 
most  acute  grief.     Here  there  is  nothing. 


1 82  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

December  9,  1895. 

Never  any  letters.  They  are  probably  at 
Cayenne,  where  they  lie  about  for   a  fortnight. 

The  mail-boat  coming  from  France  passed  here 
before  my  eyes,  on  the  29th  of  November,  and 
the  letters  must  have  been  at  Cayenne  ever  since. 

The  same  day,  6  0^  clock,  evening. 
The  second  mail  from   Cayenne  arrived  to-day 
at  one  o'clock.     Does  it  bring  me  this  time  my 
letters,  and  what  is  the  news  ? 

December  11,6  o'clock,  evening. 
No  letters ! 

December  12,  morning. 
My  mail  did  not  arrive.     Where  has  it  stopped  ? 
I  have  requested  them  to  telegraph  to  Cayenne 
and  find  out. 

Same  day,  evening. 
The  second  mail  received  from  Cayenne  since 
the  arrival  of  the  last  mail  from  France. 

My  letters  remained  in  France !  My  heart 
feels  as  though  pierced  by  a  dagger. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  183 

Oh,  the  ceaseless  complaining  of  the  sea ! 
What  an  echo  to  my  anguished  soul  ! 

So  fiery  an  anger  against  all  human  iniquity 
sometimes  burns  within  me  that  I  could  wish  to 
tear  my  flesh  so  as  to  forget  in  physical  pain  this 
mental  torture. 

December  13,  1895. 

They  will  certainly  end  by  killing  me  through 

repeated  suflFerings  or  by  forcing  me  to  seek  in 
suicide  an  escape  from  insanity.  The  oppro- 
brium of  my  death  will  be  on  Commandant  du 
Paty,  Bertillon,  and  all  those  who  have  imbrued 
their  hands  in  this  iniquity. 

Each  night  I  dream  of  my  wife  and  children. 
But  what  terrible  awakenings  !  When  I  open 
my  eyes  and  find  myself  in  this  hut,  I  have  a 
moment  of  such  anguish  that  I  could  close  my 
eyes  forever,  never  to  see  or  think  again. 

Evening. 

Violent  heart  spasms,  with  frequent  paroxysms 
of  sufibcation. 

I  ask  for  the  bath  that  I  have  been  authorized 
to  take  by  order  of  the  physician.     "  No,"  is  the 


i84  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

answer  the  chief  guard  sends.      A  few  minutes 

later  he    goes    to   take    one  himself      I   do  not 

know  why  I  should  abase  myself  to  ask  anything 

whatever  of  him.     Until    now  I   have   renewed 

none    of  my  requests.      From    now    on  I    shall 

make  no  new  ones. 

December  i6,  1895. 

From  ten  o'clock  to  three  the  hours  are  terrible, 

with  nothing  to  distract  my  morbid  thoughts. 

December  20,  1895. 

No  affront  is  spared  me.  When  I  receive  my 
linen,  which  is  washed  at  the  He  Royale,  they 
unfold  it,  search  through  it  in  every  possible  way, 
and  then  throw  it  to  me  as  to  a  vile  creature.  .  .  . 

Every  time  I  look  upon  the  sea  there  comes 
back  to  me  the  recollection  of  the  bright  vaca- 
tion days  I  have  passed  on  its  shore  with  my 
wife  and  children.  I  see  myself  taking  my  little 
Pierre  along  the  beach,  where,  while  we  play  and 
gambol  together,  I  dream  of  a  happy  future  for 
him.  .  .  . 

Suddenly  I  see  myself  in  my  present  appal- 
ling situation.     The  disgrace  cast  upon  my  name 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  185 

and  upon  that  of  my  children  comes  home  again 
to  me  with  renewed  bitterness ;  my  eyes  grow 
dim,  the  blood  rushes  to  my  head,  my  heart  beats 
wildly,  indignation  fills  my  whole  being.  Ah  ! 
light  must  break  in  upon  this  darkness. 

December  22,  1895. 

Never  any  news  from  my  dear  ones. 

What  a  fearful  night  I  have  just  passed  !  The 
monotonous  patrol  of  the  guards,  the  lights  that 
pass  and  pass  again,  feeding  my  nightmares. 

December  25,  1895. 

Alas  !  always  the  same  thing ;  no  letters. 

The  English  mail  passed  two  days  ago.  My 
letters  probably  cannot  have  arrived,  for  other- 
wise I  think  they  would  have  sent  them  to  me. 
What  am  I  to  think,  what  to  believe  ? 

The  rain  fell  all  day. 

During  a  lighter  spell,  when  only  a  few  drops 
were  falling,  I  went  out  to  stretch  myself  a  bit. 
The  chief  guard  came  up  and  said  to  the  guard 
accompanying  me,  "  You  must  not  stay  out 
when  it    rains."     Whence    could    emanate    such 


1 86  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

instructions  ?      But   I   disdain  to  reply,  ignoring 
all   these  daily  meannesses. 

Night,  December  26  to  27,  1895. 
Impossible  to  sleep. 

In  what  a  nightmare  have  I  lived  for  nearly 
fifteen  months,  and  when  will  it  end  ? 

December  28,  1895. 

Intense  weariness  !  My  brain  is  crushed. 
What  is  happening?  Why  have  the  letters  of 
October  not  reached  me?  Oh,  my  Lucie,  if  you 
read  these  lines,  if  I  succumb  before  this  anguish 
has  an  end,  you  will  be  able  to  measure  all  I  have 
suffered  ! 

In  the    too  frequent    moments,  when   in   this 

rising  nausea  for  everything,  my  heart  fails,  three 

names,  which  I  murmur  low,  resurrect  my  energy 

and  ever  give  me  new  strength, —  Lucie,  Pierre, 

Jeanne. 

Same  day,  1 1  o'clock,  morning. 

I  have  seen  the  mail-boat  from  France  passing. 

But,  alas  !  my  letters  go  on  first  to  Cayenne.     At 

any  rate,  1  hope  the  first  mail  from  Cayenne  will 

bring  them  to  me,  and  that  I  shall  at  last  have 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  187 

news  of  home.  That  I  shall  know  whether  this 
monstrous  riddle  has  been  solved,  whether  the 
end  of  this  torture  is  in  sight. 

Sunday y  December  29,  1895. 
What  happy  hours  I  used  to  pass  on  Sunday 
with  my  family,  playing  with  my  children  !  My 
little  Pierre  is  now  nearly  five  years  old.  He  is 
quite  a  big  boy.  I  used  to  wait  with  impatience 
for  the  time  when  I  could  take  him  with  me  and 
talk  with  him,  opening  his  young  mind,  instilling 
into  him  the  love  of  beauty  and  truth,  and  help- 
ing fashion  for  him  so  lofty  a  soul  that  the  ugli- 
ness of  life  could  not  degrade  it.  Where  is  all 
that,  and  why  ?  —  that  eternal  why  ! 

December  2^,  i895- 
My  blood  burns,  and  fever  devours  me.     When 

will  all  this  end  ? 

Same  day,  evening. 

My  nerves  trouble  me  so  that  I  am  afraid  to 
lie  down.  This  silence  of  the  tomb,  with  no  news 
of  my  dear  ones  for  three  months,  with  nothing 
to  read,  crushes  and  overwhelms  me. 

I  must  pull  all  my  strength  together,  to  resist 


1 88  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

always  and  yet  again ;  I  must  murmur  low  these 

three    words    which    are    my  talisman,  —  Lucie, 

Pierre,  Jeanne  ! 

December  31,  1895. 

What  a  frightful  night  !  Strange  dreams,  mon- 
strous nightmares,  followed  by  copious  perspiration. 

To-day,  at  first  dawn,  I  saw  the  arrival  of  the 
boat  from  Cayenne.  Ever  since,  I  have  been  in  a 
state  of  feverish  anxiety,  asking  myself  each  mo- 
ment if  at  last  I  am  to  have  news  from  home. 

January  i,  1896. 

At  last,  yesterday  evening,  I  received  my  letters 
of  October  and  November.  Always  nothing  : 
the  truth  is  not  yet  discovered. 

What  grief  have  I  caused  Lucie  by  my  last 
letters;  how  I  rend  her  soul  by  my  impatience, 
and  yet  hers  is  as  great  as  my  own  ! 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters,  received 
by  me  January  i,  1896  :  — 

"  Paris,  October  10,  1895. 

"This  mail,  my  dear  husband,  has  brought  only 
a  single  letter  from  you ;  that  which  you  wrote 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  189 

me  the  5th  of  August  has  not  reached  me.  The 
dear  lines  written  by  your  hand,  the  only  sign  I 
have  of  your  existence,  always  comfort  me."  .   .  . 

*' Paris,  October  15,  1895, 

"This  date  recalls  such  painful  memories  to 
me  that  I  cannot  help  coming  to  you  for  a  mo- 
ment. I  am  feeling  better,  and  I  seem  to  be  doing 
some  good  to  you  also.  I  no  longer  wish  to  speak 
of  those  calamitous  days  we  have  endured,  each  of 
us  suffering  away  from  the  other.  It  is  best  to 
think  of  them  no  more.  The  wound  is  still  open : 
it  is  useless  to  gall  it ;  but  I  wish  to  tell  you  we 
are  full  of  confidence,  and  hope  that  our  strenuous 
determination  will  triumph  over  all  obstacles.  We 
shall  certainly  expose  the  scoundrels  who  have 
committed  this  crime."   .  .   . 

"Paris,  October  25,  1895. 

"  The  months  are  long  when  one  suffers  so 
cruelly  ;  they  are  all  the  same  in  their  monotony 
and  sadness.  Here  is  a  new  mail ;  like  those  that 
went  before,  it  will  bring  you  words  of  hope,  and 
the  echo  of  our  boundless  affection.  .  .  . 

"To  wait  patiently  is  the  supreme  trial,  but 


190  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

count    on    us,    your   waiting    shall     not    be    in 
vain."  .  .  . 

*' Paris,  November  io,  1895. 

"  I  read  and  re-read  the  only  letter  from  you 
that  has  reached  me  by  this  mail.  I  received  it 
only  this  morning.  It  is  very  little,  but  I  am 
only  too  happy  to  have  this  poor  little  echo  of 
your  beloved  self.  I  doubt  not  that  you  often 
talk  with  me,  painful  as  it  may  be  to  you  to  write, 
being  able  to  say  nothing  and  compelled  to  re- 
press the  outpourings  of  your  heart  for  fear  of 
doing  me  harm. 

"  Why  do  they  not  give  me  the  letters  which 
are  my  only  consolation  ?  Why  do  they  render 
yet  more  painful  the  situation  of  two  beings  al- 
ready so  miserable  ?  .  .  .  Our  little  Pierre  and 
Jeanne  are  always  such  sweet  children,  trustful 
and  affectionate  with  every  one.  They  are  both 
looking  well,  and  growing  daily  taller  and 
stronger.  What  a  pleasure  it  will  be  for  you, 
when  at  last  we  shall  have  made  the  truth  known, 
to  hold  in  your  arms  these  dear  little  beings 
whom    you    love  so    much,   for  whom    you    are 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  191 

suffering,  and  who,  by  their  affection,  will  make 
your  life  happy." 

"Paris,  November  25,  1895,  midnight. 
"  I  have  to  send  my  letters  to-morrow  morn- 
mg,  in  order  that  they  may  catch  the  boat  of  the 
9th  of  December,  and  in  spite  of  the  late  hour  of 
the  night  I  cannot  help  coming  to  talk  with  you 
again.  It  is  heartrending  for  me  to  send  you 
lifeless  lines,  commonplace  and  cold,  which  are 
so  far  from  embodying  my  thought,  my  tender- 
ness, my  affection.  I  cannot  express  to  you  what 
I  feel  for  you :  the  feeling  is  too  deep  and  strong 
for  me  to  describe ;  but  it  seems  to  me  that  I  am 
now  only  a  portion  of  myself, — my  soul,  my  heart, 
are  far  away  in  those  islands,  near  you,  my  well- 
beloved  husband.  Hour  by  hour  my  thoughts 
are  with  you.  .  Lucie." 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

January  8,  1896. 
Days  and  nights  pass  by  depressingly  monoto- 
nous,  spun  out  to   infinite    length.      By    day    I 


192  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

await  with  impatience  the  coming  of  the  night, 
hoping  to  forget  myself  in  sleep.  By  night, 
I  await  with  impatience  no  whit  lessened  the 
day,  hoping  to  calm  my  nerves  with  a  little 
exercise. 

As  I  read  over  and  again  the  letters  brought 
by  the  last  mail,  I  realize  what  a  catastrophe  to 
my  dear  ones  my  death  would  be,  and  that  my 
whole  duty  is  to  fight  to  my  last  breath. 

January  12,  1896. 

Reply  of  the  President  of  the  Republic  to  the 
petition  I  addressed  to  him  on  the  5th  of  October, 
1895:  — 

"  Refused  without  comment." 

January  24,  1896. 

I  have  nothing  to  add ;  all  hours  are  the  same, 

in  the  anguish  of  unnerved  waiting  for  a  better 

morrow. 

January  27,  1896. 

At  last,  after  long  months,  I   have  received  a 

fine  consignment  of  books. 

By  forcing  my  thoughts  to  fix  themselves  on 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  193 

the  pages,  I   succeed  in  giving  my  brain  a  few 

moments  of  rest,  but,  alas  !    I  can  no  longer  read 

for   any  length   of  time,  I  am  so  utterly  broken 

down. 

February  2,  1896. 

The  mail  from  Cayenne  has  arrived.     There 

are  no  letters  for  me. 

February  12,  1896. 

I  have  only  just  received  my  mail.     There  is 

never  any  news,  and  I  must  struggle  and  resist 

ever. 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received 
on  this  date  :  — 

"Paris,  December  9,  1895. 
"  As  always,  your  letters,  awaited  with  such 
keen  anxiety,  have  caused  me  deep  emotion,  a  ray 
of  happiness,  the  only  moments  of  relaxation,  of 
joy,  which  I  have  during  these  months  of  dark- 
ened days.  When  I  read  your  lines,  I  feel  that 
all  your  being  thrills  with  mine." 

'*  Paris,  December  19,  1895. 

"  Last  year  at  this   time,  we   hoped  to  have 
nearly  reached  the  end  of  our  trials.     We  had 

13 


194  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

placed  all  our  confidence  in  justice.  Then  the 
abominable  error  of  the  condemnation  stupefied 
us.  An  entire  year  has  passed  in  suffering,  as 
much  from  the  undeservedness  of  the  fate  that 
has  been  inflicted  on  us,  as  from  the  cruelty  of 
the  life  to  which  you  are  morally  and  physically 
condemned."   .  .   . 

"Paris,  December  25,  1895. 

"  I  cannot  refrain,  before  the  mail  leaves,  from 
coming  in  words  to  you  again.  It  is  always  the 
same  thing  I  say  over  and  over  again,  but 
what  does  it  matter  ?  I  speak  to  you,  I  come 
near  to  you  for  a  moment,  and  it  does  me 
good.  .  .  . 

"  I  have  scarcely  written  of  the  children,  and 
yet  it  is  they  who  bind  us  to  life,  it  is  for  these  poor 
little  ones  we  endure  this  intolerable  situation, 
and,  thank  God,  they  have  no  knowledge  of  it. 
For  them  all  is  joy ;  they  sing  and  laugh  and 
chatter,  and  give  life  to  the  house.  .  .  . 

Lucie." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  195 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

February  28,  1896. 

Nothing  new  to  read.  Days,  nights,  are  all 
alike.  I  never  open  my  mouth.  I  no  longer 
ask  for  anything.  My  speech  is  limited  to  ask- 
ing if  my  mail  has  come  or  not.  But  I  am  now 
forbidden  to  ask  even  that,  or  at  least,  which  is 
the  same  thing,  the  guards  are  forbidden  to 
answer  even  such  commonplace  questions  as 
those   I  used  to  ask. 

I  wish  to  live  until  the  day  of  the  discovery 
of  the  truth,  that  I  may  cry  aloud  my  grief  and 
the  torture  they  inflict  on  me. 

March  3,  6  o'clock,  evening. 
The   mail   from   Cayenne  came  this  morning 
at  nine  o'clock.     Have  I  any  letters  ? 

March  4,  1896. 
No  letters.     What  frightful  torment  afresh  ! 

March  8,  1896. 
Days  of  gloom  !     Everything  is  forbidden  me  ; 
I  am  forever  alone  with  my  thoughts. 


196  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

March  9,  1896. 

This  morning,  very  early,  I  saw  the  launch  of 
the  commandant  arriving.  Was  there  at  last 
something  for  me  ? 

No  !  there  was  nothing ;  only  an  inspection  of 
my  hut. 

I  no  longer  live  except  by  a  supreme  tension 
of  the  nerves,  while  eagerly  awaiting  the  end  of 
these  unspeakable  tortures. 

March  12,  1896. 
I  have  at  last  received  my  mail.      Never  any- 
thing, alas  !  as  to  the  discovery  of  the  truth. 

Extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received  at  this 

date :  — 

**  Paris,  January  i,  1896. 

"  This  day,  the  ist  of  January,  is  to  me  longer 

and  more  painful  than  the  others.     Why  ?   I  ask 

myself;    the  reasons  for  suffering  are  the  same. 

So  long  as  your  innocence  is  not  recognized,  the 

weight  of  our  burden  is  too  crushing  for  us  to 

take  any  part  in  the  life  around,  or  to  make  any 

difference  among  the  days,  whatever  they  may  be. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  197 

And  yet  to-day  we  seem  to  labor  under  a  more 
poignantly  sad  impression.  No  doubt  this  comes 
from  the  fact  that  anniversaries  with  those  who 
love  each  other  tenderly  are  days  of  great  happi- 
ness, while  we,  who  are  so  unhappy,  so  cruelly 
beset,  feel  still  more  keenly  the  desire  of  drawing 
together,  of  sustaining  each  other,  so  as  to  keep 
up  our  strength." 

*'  Paris,  January  7,  1 896. 

"  I  have  just  received  your  letters.  As  always, 
they  stir  me  to  the  depths  of  my  soul.  My 
emotion  is  intense  when  I  catch  sight  of  your  be- 
loved writing,  when  I  saturate  myself  with  your 
thoughts.   .   .  . 

"  Your  letters  show  the  same  undaunted  energy, 
but  I  feel'your  impatience  piercing  through  them, 
and  I  understand  it.  How  could  it  be  otherwise  ? 
Thrown  upon  yourself  in  complete  isolation,  de- 
voured by  anxieties,  knowing  nothing  of  the 
infamy  which  has  made  and  is  making  us  so  un- 
happy, torn  away  from  your  supremely  happy 
home,  —  surely  earth  holds  no  sorrow  more  bitter 
than  this  !  Lucie." 


igS  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

To  the  last  letter  of  the  month  of  January  were 
appended  the  following  lines  from  my  brother  : 

"My  dear  Brother,  —  Yes,  as  you  say  in 
your  letter  of  the  20th  of  November,  all  my 
strength  is  devoted  to  a  single  aim,  —  the  discovery 
of  the  truth,  —  and  we  shall  succeed  in  it. 

"  I  can  only  repeat  myself,  until  the  day  when 

I   shall   be   able  to  say    to    you,  *  The  truth  is 

known.'     But  you  must  live  until  that  day,  you 

must  use   all   your  powers  to  hold  out  against 

mental  and  physical  collapse ;  such  a  task  is  not 

above  your  courage.  .  .  . 

Mathieu." 


Continuation  of  my  Diary 

March  15,  1896,  4  o'clock  A.  M. 
Impossible  to  sleep.  My  brain  is  void  from 
lack  of  physical  and  intellectual  activity.  The 
packages  of  books  which  Lucie  announced  to  me 
in  the  last  three  mails  have  not  yet  reached  me. 
Moreover,  my  brain  is  so  tired  and  agitated  that 
it  is  impossible  for    me  to  read  for    any  length 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  199 

of  time.  However,  the  few  moments  in  which 
I  can  escape  from  my  thoughts  bring  a  slight 
alleviation. 

March  27,  1896. 
I  just  now  received  the  books  which  were  sent 
on  the  25th  of  November,  1895. 

April  5,  1896. 

The  mail  of  the  month  of  February  has 
just  come.  The  guilty  man  has  not  yet  been 
unmasked. 

Whatever  my  sufferings  may  be,  the  discovery 
must  come,  hence  I  crush  down  all  complaining. 

Extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received  the 
5th  of  April :  — 

"Paris,  February  ii,  1896. 

"I  have  not  yet  received  your  letters  of  the 
month  of  December.  I  will  not  complain  of  the 
anguish  of  this  delay ;  it  is  useless.  How  keen 
are  my  sufferings  caused  by  the  anxiety  !  Noth- 
ing is  so  unbearable  as  to  be  deprived  of  the 
news  of  one  whom  I  know  to  be  most  unhappy 
and  whose  life  is  a  hundred  times  dearer  to  me 
than  my  own.  ... 


200  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"  Often,  in  my  calmer  hours,  I  ask  myself  why 
we  are  so  tried,  for  what  reason  we  are  called  on 
to  endure  torments  beside  which  death  would  be 
sweet."  .  .  . 

"  Paris,  February  i  8,  1 896. 
"  I  am  always  without  news  from  you.  Yet  I 
know  that  the  letters  you  have  written  me  have 
been  at  the  Ministry  for  more  than  three  weeks. 
I  am  wild  with  impatience  to  have  them  and  to 
receive  at  last  my  month's  consolation." 

"Paris,  February  25,  1896. 
"  At  the  very  instant  when  I  am  finishing  my 
last  letter  for  the  closing  mail,  they  bring  me 
your  letters.  Thanks  with  all  my  heart  for  the 
reassuring  lines  that  you  have  sent  me  and  for 
your  splendid  firmness.  Lucie." 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

May  5,  1896. 
I   have  nothing  more  to  say.     All  is  aUke  in 
hideousness  !     What  a  horrible  Hfe  !     Not  a  mo- 
ment of  rest  by  day  or  night.      Until   the  last 


.      ALFRED    DREYFUS  201 

few  days  the  guards  remained  seated  in  their  room 
during  the  night;  I  was  awakened  only  every 
hour.  Now  they  have  to  march  without  ever 
stopping,  and  most  of  them  wear  wooden  shoes. 

Here  my  diary  stopped  for  more  than  two 
months.  The  days,  all  equally  sad  and  anxious, 
crawled  along,  but  I  kept  my  will  firm  to  struggle 
and  not  to  allow  myself  to  be  beaten  down  by 
the  torments  which  were  heaped  upon  me.  More- 
over, in  June  I  had  heavy  attacks  of  fever,  so 
heavy  as  to  cause  congestion  of  the  brain. 

Here  are  a  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters 
received  in  May  and  June,  1896  :  — 

"Paris,  February  29,  1896. 

"  When  I  received  your  December  mail  my 
letters  were  all  ready  to  go ;  the  few  lines  I  was 
able  to  add  could  not  express  sufficiently  the 
happiness  and  uplifting  joy  that  your  letters  cre- 
ated in  me.  Your  words  of  affection  moved  me 
deeply.  When  one  is  very  unhappy,  the  heart 
broken  and  the  soul  engulfed  in  darkness,  nothing 
is  sweeter  than  to  feel  that  in  the  midst  of  all 


202  FIVE    YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

sorrows  one  can  lean  upon  a  sure  affection  and 
intense  devotion,  concentrated  and  directed  to 
supporting  one.  And  they  bring  one,  in  the 
absence  of  tangible  help,  a  moral  aid,  present 
every  hour,  which,  increasing  one's  strength  ten- 
fold, prevents  one  from  playing  the  coward  when 
grief  seems  too  great  to  be  borne."  .  .  . 

"Paris;  March  20,  1896. 
"  You  can  imagine  the  anxiety  I  feel  when  I  see 
the  second  fortnight  of  the  month  coming.  It 
means  for  me  the  departure  of  the  mail.  So  long 
as  this  mail  is  not  near,  I  hope  up  to  the  last 
minute  to  be  able  to  tell  you  of  the  end  of  your 
suffering  and  of  our  own  sorrow.  And  then  my 
letters  go,  always  empty  of  news,  and  I  am  heart- 
broken at  the  thought  of  the  deep  disappointment 
you  will  have."  .  .  . 

"Paris,  April  i,  1896. 

"  I  was  very  sad  when  the  last  mail  went 
away.  Up  to  the  last  moment  I  had  hoped 
that  I  might  send  you  some  comforting  word. 
.  .  .  But  courage  !  I  implore  this  of  you  as 
the    woman    who    adores    you,   in   the    name    of 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  203 

your  beloved  children  who  love  you  with  all 
their  little  hearts,  and  who  will  feel  infinite  grati- 
tude when  they  understand  the  greatness  of  the 
sacrifice  you  have  made  for  them.  As  for  me,  I 
cannot  express  my  admiration  for  you.  With 
what  tenderness  my  thoughts  enfold  you  night 
and  day  !  .  .  . 

"  This  affection  which  I  so  much  wished  to 
lavish  upon  you  in  the  midst  of  your  sorrows  is 
increased  yet  more,  if  that  is  possible,  by  the 
anguish  inflicted  on  me  by  the  distance  which 
separates  us,  the  absence  of  news  from  you,  the 
sadness  and  the  isolation  of  the  Hfe  to  which  you 
are  subjected.  I  must  give  up  describing  to  you 
all  these  emotions  of  mine  ;  they  are  too  melan- 
choly for  you  to  read,  too  intense  and  deep  to 
confide  to  this  cold  and  commonplace  sheet  ot 
paper.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

July  16,  1896. 
It  is  very  long  since  I  have  added  anything  to 
my  diary. 


204  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

My  thoughts,  my  feelings,  my  sadness,  are  the 
same  ;  but  while  my  weakness  of  body  and  brain 
grow  more  pronounced  daily,  my  will  remains  as 
strong  as  ever. 

This  month  I  have  received  no   letters  from 

my  wife. 

August  2,  1896. 

At  last  the  mails  of  May  and  June  have  come. 
There  is  never  any  of  the  news  I  seek.  It  mat- 
ters nothing.  I  shall  struggle  against  the  decline 
of  body  and  brain  and  heart  so  long  as  a  shadow 
of  force  is  left  me,  so  long  as  they  leave  me  a 
spark  of  life.  I  must  see  the  end  of  this  dark 
tragedy. 

For  the  sake  of  all  of  us,  I  pray  that  the  end  be 
not  long  delayed. 

Extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received  the  2d 
of  August,  1896:  — 

"  Paris,  June  10,  i  8g6, 

"  I  write  you,  still  troubled  by  your  dear  let- 
ters which  I  have  just  received.  At  the  first 
moment  when  I  see  your  beloved  writing,  when 
I  read  the  lines  which  bring  me  your  thoughts,  — 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  205 

the  only  news  I  have  for  a  long  month,  —  I  am 
crazy  with  grief;  my  poor  head  comprehends 
nothing  more,  and  I  weep  hot  tears.  Then  I 
pull  myself  together,  ashamed  of  my  weakness. 
From  your  firmness  and  energy,  and  from  my 
love,  I  draw  new  stores  of  courage. 

"  Nevertheless,  these  letters  of  yours  do  me  a 
world  of  good ;  and  if  emotion  crushes  me,  yet  I 
have  the  happiness  of  reading  your  words  and 
the  illusion  of  listening  for  a  few  moments  to 
your  beloved  voice."  .  .  . 

"Paris,  June  25,  1896. 

"  I  add  a  few  lines  to  my  letters  before  the 
mail  leaves  to  tell  you  that  I  am  strong,  that  my 
purpose  is  not  to  be  shaken,  that  I  shall  succeed 
in  having  your  honor  vindicated  ;  and  I  beseech 
you  to  join  with  me  in  this  compelling  faith  in 
the  future,  —  in  this  faith  which  makes  us  accept 
the  harshest  trials  in  order  that  we  may  give  our 
children  a  stainless  and  respected  name. 

T  '» 

Lucie. 


2o6  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

Continuation  of  my  Diary 

August  30,  1896. 
Again  the  period  which  so  irritates  my  nerves, 
when  I  am  waiting  for  the  mail,  when  I  ask 
myself  what  day  it  will  come  and  what  news  it 
will  bring.  What  a  painful  month  of  August 
my  poor  Lucie  must  have  had  !  First,  the  letter 
which  I  wrote  her  at  the  beginning  of  July,  in 
the  midst  of  the  fever  I  had  for  ten  days,  and 
when  I  was  not  receiving  my  mail.  It  was 
everything  at  once  coming  to  add  to  my 
troubles.  I  could  not  contain  myself,  and  so  I 
again  cried  to  her  in  distress,  as  if  she  did  not 
already  suffer  enough,  as  if  her  impatience  to  see 
the  end  of  this  horrible  tragedy  were  not  as  great 
as  mine.  My  poor,  dear  Lucie!  Her  fete-day 
must  have  passed  very  sorrowfully.  I  thought 
it  was  impossible  that  I  should  suffer  any  more 
bitterly,  yet  that  day  was  worse  than  the  others. 
If  I  had  not  held  myself  in  with  a  savage  effort 
of  will,  choking  down  my  frenzy,  I  should  have 
shrieked  aloud  in  the  violence  of  my  grief. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  207 

Through    space,    dearest    Lucie,    I    send  you 

now  the  expression  of  my  deep  affection  and  my 

great  love,  and  this  watchword,  always  the  same, 

ardent    and    invariable,  —  courage,    and    courage 

again ! 

September  i,  1896. 

Day  horribly  long,  passed  in  waiting,  as  hap- 
pens every  month,  for  my  mail,  in  asking  myself 
what  it  will  bring  me.  I  am  petrified,  as  it  were, 
in  sorrow.  I  am  obliged  to  concentrate  all  my 
strength  to  escape  from  my  thoughts. 

What  torment  for  a  family  whose  entire  life 
has  ever  been  one  of  honor,  uprightness,  and 
loyalty  ! 

Wednesday^  September  2,  1896,  \o  A.  M. 

My  nerves  have  tormented  me  horribly  all 
night ;  I  should  have  liked  to  calm  them  a  little 
this  morning  by  walking,  but  the  rain  falls  in 
torrents,  —  a  rare  thing  at  this  time  of  the  year, 
for  we  are  in  the  dry  season. 

And  again  I  have  nothing  to  read. 

None  of  all  the  packages  of  books  sent  me  by 
my  dear  Lucie   since  the  month  of  March  has 


2o8  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

reached  me.  Nothing  to  quicken  this  petty 
pace  of  the  hours.  I  asked  long  ago  for  some 
manual  labor,  no  matter  of  what  sort,  to  occupy 
myself  a  little.  They  have  not  even  answered 
me. 

I  scan  the  horizon  through  the  grating  of  my 
little  window,  to  see  if  I  cannot  catch  sight  of  the 
smoke  which  announces  the  coming  of  the  mail- 
boat  from  Cayenne. 

Same  day^  noon. 

On  the  horizon  toward  Cayenne  there  hangs  a 
pall  of  smoke.     It  must  be  the  mail-boat. 

Same  day^  7  0  clocks  evening. 
The  boat  came  at  one  o'clock  in  the  afternoon; 
I  have  not  my  letters,  and  I  think  it  did  not 
bring  them.  What  infernal  torment !  But  above 
all  hovers  immutable  the  care  of  our  honor ;  that 
is  the  aim,  never  varying,  no  matter  what  our 
troubles  may  be. 

Thursday^  September  3,  6  0  clock,  morning. 
Horrible  night  of  fever  and  delirium. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  209 

9  o'clock,  morning. 

The  last  boat  has  come  and  has  not  brought 
my  letters  !  It  is  clear  they  are  held  in  Cayenne, 
where  they  have  been  since  the  28th  of  last 
month. 

Friday,  September  ^,  1896. 

Yesterday  evening  I  finally  received  the  mail, 
and  there  was  only  a  single  one  of  the  letters  that 
my  dear  Lucie  had  written  me.  I  feel  that  with 
all  at  home  there  is  wild  despair  at  being  unable  to 
tell  me  as  yet  of  the  discovery  of  the  guilty  man. 

Sweat  rolled  down  my  forehead  and  my  knees 
shook  under  me  while  reading  the  letters  from 
my  people. 

Is  it  possible  that  human  beings  can  suffer  thus, 
and  so  undeservedly  ? 

In  such  a  situation  words  have  no  longer  any 
force  ;  one  even  suffers  no  longer,  he  becomes  so 
benumbed. 

Oh,  my  poor  Lucie,  oh,  my  beloved  children  ! 

Ah,  in  the  day  when  justice  shall  be  done  and 
the  guilty  one  unmasked,  may  the  burden  of  all 


210  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

these  nameless  tortures  fall  back  on  those  who 
have  persecuted  an  innocent  man  and  his  family  ! 

Saturday  J  September  5,  1896. 

I  have  just  written  three  long  letters  succes- 
sively to  my  dear  Lucie,  to  tell  her  not  to  allow 
herself  to  be  cast  down,  but  to  persevere,  appeal- 
ing to  every  possible  source  of  help.  Such  a  situa- 
tion as  ours,  endured  for  so  long,  becomes  too 
overwhelming,  too  unbearable.  It  is  a  question 
of  the  honor  of  our  name,  of  the  life  of  our  chil- 
dren. In  that  thought  we  must  conquer,  and 
control  bur  rebellious  hearts,  our  wandering 
minds,  the  bitterness  of  our  feelings. 

I  no  longer  speak  of  my  days  and  nights  ;  they 
resemble  one  another  in  agony. 

Sunday^  September  6,  1896. 

I  have  just  been  warned  that  I  must  no  longer 
walk  in  the  part  of  the  isle  which  had  been  re- 
served to  me;  I  can  henceforth  only  walk  close 
about  my  hut. 

How  long  can  I  hold  out  ?  I  do  not 
know  !      Oh,  that   this  inhuman  treatment  may 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  211 

soon  end  !     Otherwise   I   shall  have  to  bequeath 

my  children  to  France,  that  beloved  country  of 

mine  which   I  have  always  served  devotedly  and 

loyally,  beseeching,  from  the  bottom  of  my  soul, 

those  who  are  at  the  head  of  affairs  to  have  the 

fullest  light  shed  on  this  shocking  enigma.     And 

on   that  day  it  will  be  for  them  to  comprehend 

what  atrocious    and    undeserved    torments  some 

human  beings  have  suffered,  and  to  make  my  poor 

children   heirs    to  all    the    pity  such    misfortune 

merits. 

Same  day,  2  d'clocky  evening. 

How  my  head  hurts ;  how  sweet  death  would 
be  to  me  ! 

Oh,  my  dear  Lucie,  my  poor  children,  all  my 
dear  ones  ! 

What  have  I  done  that  1  should  be  made  to 
suffer  in  such   a  manner  ? 

Monday,  September 'j,  1896. 
Yesterday  evening  I  was  put  in  irons. 
Why,  I  know  not. 

Since  I  have  been  here,  I  have  always  scrupu- 
lously observed  the  orders  given  me. 


212  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

How  is  it  I  did  not  go  crazy  during  the  long, 
dreadful  night  ?  What  wonderful  strength  a  clear 
conscience  and  the  feeling  of  duty  toward  one's 
children  gives  one  !  As  an  innocent  man,  my 
imperative  duty  is  to  go  on  to  the  end  of  my 
strength.  So  long  as  they  do  not  kill  me,  I  shall 
ever  and  simply  perform  my  duty. 

As  to  those  who  thus  constitute  themselves  my 
executioners,  ah  !  I  leave  them  to  the  judgment  of 
their  own  consciences  in  the  day  when  the  truth 
shall  be  revealed.  Sooner  or  later  in  life  every- 
thing is  bound  to  come  out. 

Same  day. 
What  I  suffer  is  horrible,  yet  I  no  longer  feel 
anger  against  those  who  thus  torture  an  innocent 
man  ;  I  feel  only  a  great  pity  toward  them. 

Tuesday,  September  8,  1896. 

These  nights  in  irons  !   I  do  not  even  speak  of 

the  physical  suffering,  but  what  moral  ignominy, 

and  without   any   explanation,   without   knowing 

why    or    for   what    cause  !      What    an    atrocious 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  213 

nightmare  is  this  in  which  I  have  lived  for  nearly 
two  years ! 

In  any  case,  my  duty  is  to  endure  to  the  limit 
of  my  strength  ;  my  whole  will  shall  be  bent  to 
that. 

And  in  what  deep  distress  of  my  whole  being 
I  send  you  again  the  full  expression  of  my  love, 
my  dear  Lucie,  my  darling  children  ! 

Same  day ^  1  o'clock^  evening. 

Nearly  two  years  of  this  have  worn  me  out.  I 
can  do  no  more.     The  very  instinct  of  life  falters. 

It  is  too  much  for  mortal  man  to  bear. 

Why  am  I  not  in  the  grave  ?  Oh,  for  that 
everlasting  rest ! 

Once  again,  if  I  do  not  survive,  may  my  be- 
loved country  accept  my  children  as  a  heritage  ! 

My  dear  little  Pierre,  my  dear  little  Jeanne, 
my  dear  Lucie,  —  all  of  you  whom  I  love  from 
the  depths  of  my  heart  and  with  all  the  ardor  of 
my  soul,  —  believe  me,  if  these  lines  reach  you, 
that  I  have  done  everything  which  it  is  humanly 
possible  to  do  to  hold  out. 


214  FIVE    YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

Wednesday^  September  9,  1896. 

The  commandant  of  the  islands  came  yester- 
day evening/  He  told  me  that  the  last  measure 
which  had  been  taken  against  me  was  not  a  pun- 
ishment, but  "  a  meas'ure  of  precaution,"  for  the 
Prison  Administration  had  no  complaint  to  make 
against  me. 

Putting  in  irons  a  measure  of  precaution  ! 
When  I  am  already  watched  like  a  wild  beast 
night  and  day  by  a  guard  armed  with  rifle  and 
revolver.  No,  the  truth  should  be  told.  That 
is  a  measure  of  hatred  and  torture,  ordered  from 
Paris  by  those  who,  not  being  able  to  strike  a 
family,  strike  an  innocent  man,  because  neither 
he  nor  his  family  will  accept  submissively  the 
most  frightful  judicial  error  that  has  ever  been 
made.  Who  is  it  that  thus  constitutes  himself 
my  executioner  and  the  executioner  of  my  dear 
ones  ? 

^  The  commandant,  who  always  maintained  a  correct  atti- 
tude, and  whose  name  I  have  never  known,  was  shortly  after- 
ward replaced  by  Deniel. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  215 

One  easily  feels  that  the  local  administration 
(except  the  chief  guardian  who  has  been  specially 
sent  from  Paris)  has  itself  a  horror  of  such  arbi- 
trary and  inhumane  measures,  but  has  no  choice 
but  to  carry  out  the  orders  which  are  imposed  on  it. 

No,  the  responsibility  is  higher ;  it  rests  en- 
tirely with  the  author  or  authors  of  these  inhu- 
man orders. 

In  any  case,  no  matter  what  sufferings,  what 
physical  and  moral  tortures  they  may  inflict  on 
me,  my  duty  and  that  of  my  family  remains  al- 
ways the  same. 

As  I  keep  thinking  of  all  this,  I  no  longer  fear 
that  I  shall  lose  control  of  myself,  I  have  only  an 
immense  pity  for  those  who  thus  torture  human 
beings.  What  remorse  they  are  preparing  for 
themselves  when  all  shall  be  known,  for  history 
keeps  no  secrets  ! 

Everything  is  so  black  to  me,  my  heart  over- 
wrought, my  brain  ground  down,  that  it  is  with 
difficulty  I  can  gather  my  thoughts  together.  Oh, 
I  suflFer  too  much  !  This  frightful  riddle  always 
present  before  me ! 


2i6  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

Thursday^  September  lo,  1896. 

I  am  so  utterly  weary,  so  broken  down  in  body 
and  soul,  that  to-day  I  stop  my  diary,  not  being 
able  to  foresee  how  long  my  strength  will  hold 
out,  or  what  day  my  brain  will  succumb  under 
the  weight  of  so  great  a  burden." 

I  finish  it  by  addressing  to  the  President  of  the 
Republic  this  supreme  appeal,  in  case  strength 
and  sanity  fail  before  the  end  of  this  horrible 
tragedy :  — 

"  Monsieur  le  President  de  la  Republique  :  — 

"  I  take  the  liberty  of  asking  you  that  this 
diary,  written  day  by  day,  be  handed  to  my  wife. 
"  There  will  be  found  in  it,  perhaps.  Monsieur 
le  President,  cries  of  anger,  of  affright,  at  the  most 
awful  condemnation  that  ever  befell  a  human 
being,  —  a  human  being  who  never  forfeited  his 
honor.  I  no  longer  feel  the  courage  to  re-read  it, 
to  retrace  the  bitter  journey. 

"  To-day  I  have  no  recriminations  to  make 
against  anyone  ;  each  one  has  thought  himself 
acting  in  the  fulness  of  right  and  conscience. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  217 

"  I  simply  declare  once  more  that  I  am  innocent 
of  this  abominable  crime,  and  I  ask  ever  and  again 
for  this  one  thing,  always  the  same  thing,  —  that 
the  search  for  the  culprit  who  is  the  real  author 
of  this  base  crime  be  diligently  prosecuted. 

"  And  when  he  is  discovered,  I  beseech  that 
the  compassion  which  so  great  a  misfortune  as 
mine  inspires  may  be  given  to  my  dear  wife 
and  my  darling  children." 

End  of  the  Diary 


IX 

DEVIL'S  ISLAND   FROM  SEPTEMBER, 
1896,   TO   AUGUST,    1897 

THUS  the  days  dragged  on  sad  and  sor- 
rowful during  the  first  period  of  my  cap- 
tivity in  the  lies  du  Salut.  I  received 
every  three  months  a  few  of  the  books  which 
were  sent  me  by  my  wife,  but  I  had  no  physical 
occupation.  The  nights  especially,  which  in  that 
climate  last  nearly  twelve  hours,  were  drearily 
prolonged.  In  the  month  of  July,  1895,  I  had 
asked  permission  to  buy  a  few  carpenter's  tools ; 
a  categorical  refusal  was  the  answer  from  the  di- 
rector of  the  prison  service,  under  the  pretext 
that  the  tools  might  afford  means  of  escape.  I 
fail  to  see  myself  escaping  on  a  carpenter's  plane 
from  an  island  where  I  am  kept  under  scrutiny 
night  and  day. 


220  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

In  the  autumn  of  1896,  the  regime^  already  so 
severe,  became  more  rigorous  still. 

On  the  4th  of  September  my  jailers  received 
from  M.  Lebon,  Minister  of  Colonies,  the  order 
to  keep  me,  until  further  notice,  confined  to  my  hut 
through  the  twenty-four  hours,  with  the  "  double 
boucle  "  at  night ;  to  surround  the  space  left  for 
my  walk  close  around  my  hut  with  a  solid  palisade, 
and  to  set  another  guard  in  my  hut  in  addition  to 
the  one  already  there.  Besides  this,  they  with- 
held all  letters  and  packages  sent  to  me ;  and 
transmission  of  my  correspondence  was  hence- 
forth ordered  to  be  made  only  in  copies  of  the 
originals. 

Conformably  to  these  instructions,  I  was  shut 
up  night  and  day  without  a  minute's  exercise. 
This  absolute  confinement  was  continued  during 
the  whole  time  needed  for  the  bringing  of  the  lum- 
ber and  the  construction  of  the  palisade  ;  that  is  to 
say,  for  nearly  two  months  and  a  half.  The  heat 
that  year  was  particularly  torrid,  and  was  so  great  in 
the  hut  that  the  guards  made  complaint  after  com- 
plaint, declaring  that  they  felt  their  heads  burst- 


h 


imtHrv^ 


'i*u/l 


ImC 


ftnC 


(.lU.  ^ 


t^L 


finC 


No.  3.     Plan  of  the  First  Hut,  after  the  Construction 
OF  the  Palisades. 

(Drawn  by  Captain  Dreyfus.) 


The  Bed  of  Dreyfus,  showing  Clasps  for  the  Feet. 


A,  Stapfes. 

B,  Bar. 

C,  C/as/>. 


D,  Knob  to  prevent  bar 

from  pulling  through. 

E,  Padlock. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  221 

ing.  It  became  necessary  on  their  account  to  have 
their  quarters  in  the  shed  attached  to  my  house 
sprinkled  every  day  with  water.  As  for  myself, 
I  literally  melted. 

Dating  from  the  6th  of  September,  I  was  put 
in  the  "  double  boucle  "  at  night ;  and  this  torment, 
which  lasted  nearly  two  months,  was  of  the  follow- 
ing description :  two  irons  in  the  form  of  a  "  U"  ' 
—  A  A  —  were  fixed  by  their  lower  parts  to  the 
sides  of  the  bed.  In  these  irons  an  iron  bar  —  B 
— was  inserted,  and  to  this  were  fastened  two 
boucles,  —  CC. 

At  the  extremity  of  the  bar,  on  one  side,  there 
was  a  head  "  D  "  and  at  the  other  a  padlock,  "  E," 
so  that  the  bar  was  fastened  into  the  irons  "  AA," 
and  consequently  to  the  bed.  Therefore,  when 
my  feet  were  inserted  in  the  two  rings,  it  was  no 
longer  possible  for  me  to  move  about.  I  was 
fastened  in  an  unchangeable  position  to  my  bed. 
The  torture  was  hardly  bearable  during  those  trop- 
ical nights.  Soon  also  the  rings,  which  were  very 
tight,  lacerated  my  ankles. 

The  hut   was   surrounded  by  a  palisade  over 


222  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

eight  feet  high,  and  distant  not  quite  five  feet 
from  it.  This  palisade  was  much  higher  than  the 
little  grated  window  of  the  hut,  which  was  hardly 
three  and  a  half  feet  above  the  ground.  Out- 
side of  this  first  palisade,  which  was  one  of  de- 
fence, was  a  second  one  built  quite  as  high, 
and  that,  like  the  first,  hid  everything  from 
my  sight.  After  some  three  months  of  absolute 
confinement  to  the  seventeen  square  yards  of  my 
hut,  I  received  permission  to  go  about  during  the 
middle  of  the  day,  always  accompanied  by  the 
armed  guard,  in  the  little  plot  of  ground  between 
the  two  palisades.  There  was  no  shadow  or 
cloud,  the  burning  sun  blazing  directly  overhead. 
Up  to  the  4th  of  September,  1 896,  I  had  occu- 
pied my  hut  only  at  night  and  during  the  hottest 
hours  of  the  day.  Except  in  the  hours  which  1 
gave  to  my  little  walks  about  the  two  thousand 
square  feet  of  the  island  which  was  reserved  to  me, 
I  often  sat  in  the  shade  of  the  hut,  facing  the  sea  ; 
and  though  my  thoughts  were  sad  and  preoccu- 
pied, and  though  I  often  shook  with  fever,  I  at 
least  had  the  consolation  of  looking  upon  the  sea 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  223 

and  letting  my  eyes  wander  over  its  waves,  often 
feeling  my  soul  in  the  days  of  storm  rise  up 
with  its  furious  waters.  But  from  the  4th  of 
September,  1896,  the  sight  of  the  sea  and  of  all 
the  outer  world  was  shut  off,  and  I  stifled  in  a 
hut  where  there  was  no  longer  air  or  light. 

In  the  course  of  the  month  of  June,  1896,  I 
had  had  violent  attacks  of  fever,  followed  by  con- 
gestion of  the  brain.  During  one  of  these  nights 
of  pain  and  fever  I  tried  to  get  up,  but  fell  help- 
less to  the  floor  and  lay  there  unconscious.  The 
guard  on  duty  had  to  lift  me  up,  limp  and  covered 
with  blood.  During  the  days  which  followed, 
my  stomach  refused  all  food.  I  grew  much 
thinner,  and  my  health  was  grievously  shaken. 
I  was  still  extremely  weak  when  the  arbitrary  and 
inhumane  measures  of  the  month  of  September, 
1896,  were  taken  ;  and  as  a  result  I  had  a  relapse. 
It  was  under  such  conditions  that  I  thought  I 
should  not  be  able  to  go  further ;  for  whatever 
the  will  and  energy  of  a  man  may  be,  human 
strength  has  a  limit,  and  this  limit  had  been 
reached.     So   I   stopped  my  diary   with  the  re- 


224  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

quest  that  it  should  be  given  to  my  wife.  It  was 
just  as  well,  for  a  few  days  afterward  all  my  papers 
were  seized.  I  now  had  in  my  possession  only  a 
limited  quantity  of  paper,  each  sheet  numbered 
and  signed  as  before,  and  a  new  rule  provided 
that  as  each  sheet  was  written  on,  it  should  be 
given  up,  and  until  it  was  handed  over  I  could 
obtain  no  further  supply. 

But  on  one  of  these  long  nights  of  torture, 
when  riveted  to  my  bed  with  sleep  far  from  my 
eyes,  I  sought  my  guiding  star,  my  guide  in  mo- 
ments of  supreme  resolve ;  I  saw  all  at  once  the 
light  before  me  illuminating  for  me  my  duty  : 
"  To-day  less  than  ever  have  you  the  right  to 
desert  your  post,  less  than  ever  have  you  the 
right  to  shorten  even  by  a  single  hour  your 
wretched  life.  Whatever  the  torments  they  in- 
flict on  you,  you  must  march  forward  until  they 
throw  you  into  your  grave,  you  must  stand  up 
before  your  executioners  so  long  as  you  have  a 
shadow  of  strength,  a  living  wreck  to  be  kept  be- 
fore their  eyes  by  the  unassailable  sovereignty  of 
the  soul  which  thev  cannot  reach." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  225 

Thereupon  I  resolved  to  keep  up  the  struggle 
with  more  energy  than  ever. 

During  the  next  period,  from  the  month  of 
September,  1896,  until  August,  1897,  the  hourly 
surveillance  became  daily  more  rigorous. 

At  the  beginning,  the  number  of  the  guards, 
besides  the  chief,  was  five ;  it  was  raised  to  six, 
and  then  to  ten,  in  the  course  of  the  year  1897. 
It  was  still  further  increased  later.  Until  1896  I 
received  every  three  months  the  books  sent  by 
my  wife.  From  September,  1896,  this  sending 
of  books  was  stopped.  I  was  then  notified,  it  is 
true,  that  I  might  ask  every  twelve  weeks  for 
twenty  books,  to  be  bought  at  my  expense. 

The  first  time  I  made  such  a  request  the 
books  did  not  reach  me  for  several  months. 
The  second  time  the  books  were  still  longer  in 
reaching  me.  My  third  request  was  never  even 
acknowledged.  Henceforward  I  had  to  content 
myself  with  the  books  in  my  possession.  This 
little  library  comprised,  besides  a  certain  number 
of  literary  and  scientific  reviews  and  a  few 
volumes  of  current  literature,  Scherer's  "  Studies 

15 


226  FIVE   YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

in  Contemporary  Literature,"  Lanson's  "History 
of  Literature,"  a  few  of  Balzac's  works,  Barras' 
"  Memoirs,"  Janin's  "  Essays  in  Criticism,"  a 
History  of  Painting,  a  History  of  France,  Augus- 
tin  Thierry's  "  Merovingians,"  the  seventh  and 
eighth  volumes  of  Lavisse  and  Rambaud's  "  Gen- 
eral History  from  the  Fourth  Century  to  Our 
Own  Days,"  Montaigne's  "  Essays,"  and,  best  of 
all,  the  complete  works  of  Shakespeare. 

I  had  never  before  understood  the  great  poet 
so  well  as  I  did  during  these  tragic  days  :  I  read 
and  re-read,  and  realized  for  the  first  time  the 
tremendous  dramatic  power  of  "  Hamlet "  and 
"King  Lear." 

I  also  applied  myself  to  sciences,  but  not  pos- 
sessing the  necessary  books  in  mathematics,  I 
made  up  for  myself  the  elements  of  the  integral 
and  differential  calculus.  Thus  for  moments, 
always  too  short,  alas!  I  compelled  my  thoughts 
to  dwell  on  topics  far  removed  from  those  which 
habitually  engrossed  my  conscious  moments. 

But  my  books  were,  after  a  little  while,  in  a 
wretched  condition.     Insects  laid   their  eggs  in 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  227 

them  and  devoured  them.  Vermin  hatched  out 
everywhere  in  my  hut.  Mosquitoes  swarmed  in 
the  rainy  season,  ants  in  all  seasons,  the  latter  in 
such  considerable  numbers  that  I  had  to  protect 
my  table  by  placing  the  legs  in  old  tin  cans  filled 
with  petroleum.  Water  was  no  barrier,  for  the 
ants  formed  a  pontoon  with  their  bodies  across 
its  surface,  and  when  the  chain  was  complete, 
other  ants  passed  over  it  as  on  a  bridge. 

The  most  harmful  of  my  creeping  visitors  was 
the  spider-crab,  whose  bite  is  poisonous.  This  rep- 
tile resembles  a  crab  in  body,  while  the  long,  wide- 
spreading  legs  are  those  of  a  spider.  The  size  is 
about  that  of  a  man's  hand.  I  killed  any  num- 
ber in  my  hut,  into  which  they  came  through  the 
holes  in  roof  and  walls. 

After  the  severe  shock  to  my  system  of  the 
month  of  September,  1896,  I  had  a  period  of 
despair,  followed  by  a  determined  reaction,  in 
which  all  my  will  power  was  brought  to  bear  on 
preserving  my  steadfastness  and  composure. 

In  October  I  wrote  to  my  wife:  — 


228  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"Iles  du  Salut,  October  3,  1896. 

"  I  have  not  yet  received  the  mail  of  August. 
But  by  the  English  mail  I  must  send  you  a  few 
words,  —  an  echo  of  my  great  love. 

"  Last  month  I  wrote  you,  laying  bare  my  heart 
and  telling  all  my  thoughts;  there  is  nothing  that 
I  can  add.  I  hope  that  the  help  you  are  asking 
for  will  be  given  you,  to  the  end  that  I  may  soon 
learn  that  light  has  at  last  been  let  in  upon  this 
horrible  affair. 

"  In  the  face  of  our  sujfferings  our  courage  should 
grow  greater.  We  must  not  recriminate  or  com- 
plain, but  must  ask  —  indeed,  demand  —  light  on 
this  tragedy ;  that  he  or  they,  whose  victims  we 
are,  be  unmasked. 

"  If  I  write  to  you  often  and  at  great  length,  it 
is  because  there  is  something  that  I  would  express 
better  than  I  do  express  it.  It  is  that,  strong  in 
our  consciences,  we  must  lift  ourselves  high  above 
all  this,  without  complaint,  like  sensitive,  honor- 
able people,  who  are  suffering  a  martyrdom  to 
which  they  may  succumb.     We  must  simply  do 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  229 

our  duty.  If  my  part  of  this  duty  is  to  stand  fast 
as  long  as  I  can,  your  part  of  it  —  the  part  of 
you  all  — is  to  demand  that  light  shall  penetrate 
our  gloom. 

Alfred." 

**  Iles  dv  Salut,  October  5,  1 896. 

"  I  have  just  received  your  dear  letters  of 
August,  as  well  as  letters  from  all  the  family,  and 
it  is  under  the  profound  impression  not  only  of 
all  the  sufferings  that  we  all  endure,  but  of  the 
pain  that  I  have  caused  you  by  my  letter  of  July 
6,  that  I  write  to  you. 

"  Ah,  dear  Lucie,  how  weak  a  creature  man 
is,  how  cowardly  and  egotistical  he  is  at  times  ! 
When  I  wrote  as  I  did,  I  was,  I  think  I  told  you, 
a  prey  to  fevers  that  burned  body  and  brain. 
Then  in  my  distress,  when  I  received  no  letter, 
when  I  had  need  of  a  friendly  hand,  of  a  kindly 
face,  I  had  to  cry  out  to  you,  for  I  could  cry  to 
no  one  else.  Afterward  I  regained  possession 
of  myself,  and  became  again  what  I  had  been, 
what   I   shall  remain  to  my  last  breath. 

"  You  must  understand  that  the  only  counsel  I 


230  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

can  give  you  is  that  which  is  suggested  by  my 
heart,  and  such  as  I  have  developed  in  my  preced- 
ing letters.  You  are  all  better  placed,  you  have 
better  advisers,  and  you  must  know  better  than  I 

could  tell  you  what  you  must  do. 

Alfred." 

The  letter  from  my  wife  which  I  received  the 
5th  of  October,  1896,  was  dated  the  13th  of 
August;  it  was  the  only  one  of  all  the  letters  my 
wife  had  written  during  that  month  which  reached 
me.     I  take  from  it  this  simple  passage  :  — 

"  I  have  just  received  your  letter  of  the  6th  of 
July,  and  I  write  you  with  my  eyes  still  swollen 
with  tears.  Poor,  poor  dear  husband,  what  a 
Calvary  you  are  enduring !  .  .  .  It  is  so  atrocious, 
so  frightful,  that  merely  the  thought  of  it  drives 
me  crazy.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

None  of  her  letters  written  in  September  ever 
reached  me. 

In  December,  of  all  my  wife's  letters  of  the 
month  of  October  I  received  but  one,  that  of 
October  10,  of  which  the  following  is  an  extract: 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  231 

"  I  am  waiting  with  keen  anxiety  for  letters 
from  you.  Only  think,  I  have  had  no  news  of 
you  since  the  9th  of  August ;  that  is,  for  two 
months  and  a  half.  Long  weeks  of  anxiety  they 
are  that  pass  between  the  mails,  and  each  day's 
delay  brings  me  new  anguish.   .  .  . 

Lucie." 

On  the  4th  of  January,  1897, 1  wrote  to  Lucie  : 

"  I  have  just  received  your  letters  of  Novem- 
ber, also  those  of  the  family.  The  emotion  they 
cause  me  is  indescribable. 

"  Your  thoughts  are  mine,  my  dear  Lucie ; 
my  thoughts  never  leave  you  and  our  dear 
children. 

"My  heart  —  you  know  it  —  is  still  the  heart 
of  a  soldier,  indifferent  to  physical  suffering,  who 
holds  honor  above  all  else ;  who  has  resisted 
this  incredible  uprooting  of  everything  that  makes 
life  possible  ;  who  has  borne  it  all  because  he  is 
a  father,  and  must  see  that  honor  is  restored  to 
the  name  his  children  bear. 

"  I  have  already  written  you  at  length.     I  have 


232  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

tried  to  sum  it  all  up  to  you,  to  explain  to  you 
why  my  confidence  and  my  faith  are  so  absolute. 
My  confidence  in  the  efforts  of  one  and  all  is  fully 
fixed;  for  —  believe  it,  be  absolutely  certain  of  it 
—  the  appeal  that  I  have  again  made  in  the  name 
of  our  children  has  revealed  to  those  to  whom 
I  appealed  a  duty  which  true-hearted  men  will 
never  attempt  to  evade.  On  the  other  hand,  I 
know  well  the  sentiments  that  animate  you  all. 
I  know  them  too  well  ever  to  think  that  any  one 
of  you  will  ever  lag  as  long  as  the  truth  remains 
in  darkness. 

"  Cheer  up  until  the  brute  is  run  to  earth. 
But,  alas  !  as  I  have  told  you,  though  my  confi- 
dence is  absolute,  the  energies  of  the  heart  and 
brain  have  limits  when  an  ordeal  so  appalling  has 
been  borne  so  long.  I  know  also  what  you 
suffer,  and  that  is  horrible. 

"  It  is  not  in  your  power  to  abridge  my 
martyrdom  —  our  martyrdom.  The  Government 
alone  possesses  means  of  investigation  powerful 
enough  to  do  it,  if  it  does  not  wish  to  see  a 
Frenchman  who  asks  from  his  country  nothing 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  233 

but  justice,    succumb   under   the   weight   of  so 
unmerited   a   fate. 

"  I  am  hoping,  then,  that  the  Government  will 
lend  you  its  co-operation.  Whatever  may  be- 
come of  me,  be  brave  and  strong  always.  I  em- 
brace  you  with  all  the  strength  of  my  love  and 
I   embrace  also  our  dear  children. 

Alfred." 

I  quote  from  letters  received  from  my  wife  at 
this  time  the  following  passages  :  — 

**  Paris,  November  i  2,  1 896. 

"  I  have  just  received  your  good  letters  of  the 
3d  and  5th  of  October.  I  am  still  under  their 
influence  and  happy  to  have  abandoned  myself  for 
a  few  minutes  to  the  sweet  emotions  which  your 
words  cause  me.  I  pray  you,  my  beloved  hus- 
band, do  not  think  of  my  grief  or  of  the  suffering 
I  may  endure.  As  I  have  said  to  you  already, 
do  not  consider  me  at  all,  for  my  heart  would  be 
wrung  did  I  add  by  my  complaints  one  single 
pang  to  your  torments.  You  need  all  your 
strength,  all  your   courage,   to  hold   out  in   this 


234  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

moral  struggle,  and  to  maintain  yourself  against 
the  physical  strain  of  the  climate  and  all  the 
privations  which  are  imposed  upon  you." 

**  Paris,  November  24,  1 896. 
"  I  wish  I  could  come  and  talk  with  you  every 
day.  .  .  .  But  what  is  the  use  of  repeating  always 
the  same  thing?  I  know  very  well  that  my  let- 
ters are  all  alike,  but  they  are  all  steeped  in  the 
same  idea,  —  the  only  idea  that  fills  us  all,  and 
that  in  which  centre  our  own  lives,  those  of 
our  children,  and  the  future  of  the  whole  family. 
Like  you,  I  can  give  myself  up  to  but  one  thing, 
to  your  rehabilitation.  Apart  from  this  fixed 
idea  which  haunts  me,  nothing  interests,  nothing 
touches  me.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

Then  in  February  :  — 

"Paris,  December  15,  1896. 

"  I  was  in  hopes  of  receiving  again  this  month 
some  letters  from  you.  I  looked  forward  with 
joy  to  the  good  talks  we  should  have.  But 
not  a  word.     So   I   have  taken  up  your  letters 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  235 

of  the  month  of  October  and  read  and  re-read 
them.  Lucie." 

**  Paris,  December  25,  1896. 
"  Once  again  I  am  going  to  send  off  my  mail 
for  you,  with  bitter  chagrin  that  I  am  unable  to 
give  you  the  news  you  long  for,  the  news  which 
we  all  await  anxiously.  I  know  this  eternal 
lengthening  out  of  your  sufferings  will  be  for  you 
a  new  disappointment,  —  that  is  why  I  am  doubly 
distressed.  .  .  .  Poor  dear !  my  heart  sickens  at 
the  thought  that  our  utmost  exertions  have  not  as 
yet  been  able  to  shorten  your  torment  by  a  single 
instant.  Lucie." 

In  March,  1897,  they  made  me  wait  until  the 
28  th  of  the  month  for  my  wife's  letters  of  Janu- 
ary. For  the  first  time,  mere  copies  of  her  letters 
were  handed  to  me.  How  far  this  text,  written 
out  by  a  hired  clerk,  represented  the  original,  is 
a  question  I  cannot  answer.^ 

^  Since  I  wrote  these  lines  I  have  applied  to  the  Ministry  of 
Colonies  for  the  originals  of  my  wife's  letters,  both  those  which 
never  reached  me,  and  those  which  I  received  only  in  copies. 


236  FIVE   YEARS    OP^    MY   LIFE 

I  felt  keenly  this  new  outrage  coming  after  so 
many  others,  but  though  it  wounded  me  to  the 
depths  of  my  soul,  nothing  could  weaken  my 
determination. 

I  wrote  to  my  wife :  — 

**Iles  du  Salut,  March  28,  1897. 

"  I  have  just  received  a  copy  of  two  January 
letters  from  you.  You  complain  that  I  do  not 
write  more  at  length  ;  but  I  sent  you  many  letters 
toward  the  end  of  January.  Perhaps  by  this 
time  they  have  reached  you. 

"You  ask  me  again,  dear  Lucie,  to  tell  you 
about  myself.  Ah  !  I  cannot.  When  one's 
sufferings  are  so  sharp  and  one's  soul  so  utterly 
miserable,  one  cannot  bear  to  think,  though  that 

and  also  for  all  my  writings  during  my  stay  in  the  He  du  Diable, 
of  which  each  leaf  of  paper,  numbered  and  signed,  page  by 
page,  was  taken  away  as  soon  as  finished,  before  more  paper 
was  given  me. 

All  that  was  written  by  me  at  the  He  du  Diable  has  been 
found  and  returned.  But  of  the  numerous  letters  from  my  wife 
which  reached  me  not  at  all  or  only  in  copies,  only  four  have 
been  given  back,  all  the  others  having  been  destroyed  by  the 
order  of  M.  Lebon,  then  Minister  of  Colonies. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  237 

is  all  one  can  do.  You  will  forgive  me  if  I  have 
not  always  been  self-controlled.  At  times  it  was 
more  than  I  could  endure  alone;  such  absolute 
isolation  is  terrible.  But  to-day,  darling,  as 
yesterday,  let  us  put  recriminations  behind  us. 
This  life  is  nothing !  A  pure  soul  that  has  a 
sacred  duty  to  fulfil  must  rise  above  suffering. 
Have  courage ;  have  courage !  Look  straight 
before  you,  neither  to  the  right  nor  to  the  left, 
but  steadfastly  to  the  end.  I  know  well  that  you, 
too,  are  but  human.  Yet  when  grief  becomes  too 
great,  when  trials  still  to  come  seem  too  hard  for 
you  to  bear,  look  into  the  faces  of  our  children 
and  say  to  yourself  that  you  must  live,  to  be  with 
them  and  care  for  them  until  the  day  when  our 
country  shall  acknowledge  what  I  have  been  and 
am. 

"  What  I  wish  to  repeat  to  you  with  a  voice 
that  you  must  always  hear  is  *  Courage,  courage  ! ' 
Your  patience,  your  resolution,  that  of  all  of 
us,  must  never  tire  until  the  full  truth  is  revealed. 

"  I  cannot  fill  my  letters  full  enough  of  the 
love  that  my  heart  holds  for  you  all.     That  I 


238  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

have  been  able  to  withstand  so  much  agony  of 
soul,  such  misery  and  strain,  is  because  I  have 
drawn  strength  from  the  thought  of  you  and  the 
children.  Alfred." 

From  the  two  letters  written  by  my  wife  in 
January,  copied  by  some  clerk,  and  not  received 
until  the  28th  of  March,  I  give  the  following 
excerpts :  — 

"  To-day,  more  than  ever,  I  need  to  draw  near 
to  you,  and  to  talk  to  you  of  our  trials  and  of  our 
hopes.  This  day  is  all  the  sadder,  in  that  it  re- 
calls to  me  happy  memories  now  so  far  away.  I 
must  pass  the  whole  day  in  speaking  with  you. 
It  will  seem  to  me  shorter  and  less  bitter.  I  can- 
not again  give  voice  to  those  hopes  repeated  so 
often  and  so  wearily.  I  can  only  pray  with  all 
my  strength  for  that  long-deferred  moment  when 
we  shall  at  last  be  able  to  live  in  peace ;  when  I 
can  fold  you  in  my  arms  and  call  you  by  a  name 
once  more  honored  by  all.  .  .  .  Let  us  hope  this 
New  Year  will  bring  us  the  realization  of  our 
prayers.   .   .   . 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  239 

"  In  this  continual  suspense  in  which  I  live 
your  letters  are  my  only  respite.  They  are  some- 
thing of  yourself,  a  part  of  your  soul  which  seeks 
me  out  to  console  me  during  a  long  month.  .  .  . 

Lucie." 

I  did  not  learn  from  the  few  copied  letters  I 
received  of  the  events  passing  at  this  time  in 
France.     I  recall  them  briefly  :  — 

The  articles  in  the  Eclair  of  September  15, 
1896,  disclosing  the  communication  in  court,  to 
my  judges  alone,  of  a  secret  document. 

The  courageous  initiative  of  Bernard  Lazare, 
who,  in  November,  1896,  published  his  pam- 
phlet, "  A  Judicial  Error." 

Publication  by  the  Matin  of  November  10, 
1896,  of  the  facsimile  of  the  bordereau. 

The  Castelin  interpellation  of  November,  1896, 
in  the  Chamber  of  Deputies. 

I  learned  of  these  events  only  on  my  return  in 
1899. 

Neither  my  wife  nor  any  one  outside  of  the 
Ministry  of  War  knew  of  the  discovery  of  the 


240  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

real  traitor  by  Lieutenant-Colonel  Picquart,  nor 
of  the  heroic  conduct  of  this  admirable  officer,  and 
the  criminal  manoeuvres  which  prevented  him  from 
bringing  to  an  issue  his  work  on  behalf  of  truth 
and  justice. 

I  now  began  to  receive  again  the  originals  of 
my  wife's  letters. 

In  April  I  received  but  one  letter  from  her, — 
that  of  February  20.  I  learned  from  it  that  only 
copies  of  my  letters  were  sent  to  her.  She  wrote 
in  this  letter :  — 

"  I  have  had  the  joy  of  receiving  another  letter 
from  you  ;  I  am  still  happy  because  of  it,  although 
it  is  but  a  copy.  Your  handwriting  has  always 
thrilled  me;  it  seemed  to  me  in  that  way  I  had 
something  of  you.  A  copy  suppresses  the  deli- 
cate intimacy  of  a  letter,  and  one  loses  that  touch 
of  personality  which  only  the  physical  handiwork 
accompanying  thought  can  give.  The  lack  of 
this  impression  is  one  of  the  most  painful  of  the 
many  minor  vexations  I  have  to  endure.   .  .   . 

Lucie." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  241 

In  May  1  wrote  to  my  wife :  — 

"  Iles  du  Salut,  May  4,  1897. 

"  I  have  received  your  letters  of  March,  with 
those  of  the  family,  and  have  read  them  with  the 
same  sorrowful  emotion  that  all  your  letters  cause 
me. 

"  I  wrote  to  you,  some  days  ago,  while  waiting 
for  your  dear  letters,  and  told  you  that  I  did  not 
wish  to  know  or  even  try  to  understand  why  oblo- 
quy had  been  heaped  upon  me.  But  if,  with  the 
help  of  a  pure  conscience  and  the  consciousness 
of  duty  done,  I  have  been  enabled  to  raise  myself 
above  suffering,  it  does  not  follow  that  my  heart 
has  not  been  deeply  wounded.  But  I  told  you, 
too,  that  never  has  the  temptation  to  yield  to  dis- 
couragement entered  my  soul,  nor  must  it  ever 
again  enter  the  soul  of  any  one  of  you.  It  is  ter- 
rible to  suffer  thus ;  but  there  can  be  no  consola- 
tion for  any  of  us  other  than  the  discovery  of  the 
truth.  However  great  may  be  your  pain,  do  not 
forget  that  the  sacred  duty  from  which  nothing 
must   turn   you    is    the    re-establishment    of  our 

name,  in  all  its  integrity,  in  the  eyes  of  all  France. 

16 


242  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

"  In  times  of  happiness  we  do  not  begin  to  per- 
ceive the  strength  of  the  mighty  tenderness  which 
the  deep  recesses  of  the  heart  hold  for  those  we 
love.  We  need  misfortune  and  the  sense  of  suffer- 
ing endured  by  those  for  whom  we  would  give  our 
last  drop  of  blood,  to  learn  the  power  of  it.  If 
you  but  knew  how  often  in  the  moments  of  my 
anguish  I  have  callecl  to  my  help  the  thought  of 
you  and  of  our  children,  to  force  me  to  live  on  ! 

Alfred." 

A  few  extracts  from  my  wife's  letters  received 
at  this  time  :  — 

**  Paris,  March  5,  1897. 

"  Before  having  a  talk  with  you,  I  wished  to 
await  the  arrival  of  the  mail ;  but  I  cannot  curb 
my  impatience,  or  restrain  myself  any  longer.  I 
need  to  comfort  myself  by  coming  to  warm  my 
heart  at  yours;  to  forget  for  a  moment  on  your 
breast  the  maddening  thought  of  this  interminable 
separation.  At  least  when  writing  you  I  have  a 
few  moments  of  illusion  ;  my  pen,  my  imagination, 
and  the  tension  of  my  will  transport  me  to  your 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  243 

side,  where  I  long  to  be,  supporting,  consoling,  and 
reassuring  you,  bringing  to  you  the  unquenchable 
hope  my  heart  holds  and  would  infuse  into  yours. 
"  It  is  only  a  fugitive  moment,  but  it  gives  me 
the  happiness  of  being  close  to  you,  and  I  feel  that 
I  live  again.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

**  Paris,  March  16,  1897. 

"  I  came  for  a  talk  with  you  a  few  days  ago, 
when  full  of  anxiety  and  waiting  for  news  ;  now  I 
have  the  dear  letters  I  so  ardently  desired.  Ever 
since  I  have  been  saturating  myself  with  your 
words.      I   never  weary  of  re-reading  them.   .  .  . 

"Again,  as  last  month,  I  am  deprived  of  the 
happiness  of  seeing  your  handwriting ;  only  a 
copy  is  given  me.  You  can  imagine  how  my 
heart  bleeds  at  the  loss  of  the  sole  comfort  which, 
until  this  summer,  had  not  been  denied  me. 
What  a  path  of  bitterness  and  grief  we  have  to 
tread  !  The  little  things  we  must  pass  over  in 
silence  when  we  compare  them  to  the  greatness 
of  our  task,  and  yet  in  sensitive  natures  all  wounds 
bleed. 


244  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

"  Since  it  must  be,  let  us  go  forward.  We  are 
called  upon  to  fulfil  a  sacred  duty  for  the  sake  of 
our  name,  and  that  of  our  children.  Let  us  rise 
to  the  heights  of  our  mission,  not  stoop  down  to 
these  lesser  miseries. 

"  Though  broken  by  grief,  at  least  let  us  have 
the  satisfaction  of  duty  done.  Let  us  stand  fast 
ever  in  purity  of  conscience,  hoarding  all  our 
energy  to  bring  about  our  rehabilitation.  .   .   . 

Lucie." 

On  the  6th  of  June,  1897,  there  was  a  night 
alarm  which  might  have  had  dire  consequences. 
The  orders  were  such  that,  at  the  least  sign  on 
my  part  of  an  attempt  to  escape,  or  of  any  evi- 
dence of  help  from  the  outside,  my  life  would 
be  imperilled.  The  guard  on  duty  was  to  pre- 
vent an  abduction  or  escape,  by  the  most  decisive 
means.  It  may  be  understood,  with  such  orders 
how  dangerous  for  me  would  be  any  alarm  given 
to  my  guards.  These  orders  were  shameful ;  for 
how  could  I  be  held  responsible  for  attempts 
from    the   outside  ?      If   any  had    been  made,    I 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  245 

should  necessarily  have  been  utterly  unaware  of 
them. 

On  that  date,  toward  nine  o'clock  in  the  even- 
ing, a  rocket  was  sent  up  from  the  He  Royale. 
Under  pretence  that  a  sail-boat  had  been  seen  in 
the  gulf  formed  by  the  He  Saint  Joseph  and  the 
He  du  Diable,  the  prison  commandant  gave 
orders  to  fire  a  blank  cartridge  and  to  have 
each  man  take  up  his  fighting  position.  He  came 
himself  with  a  supplementary  guard  to  reinforce 
the  detachment  at  the  He  du  Diable.  While  Iv- 
ing  down  in  my  hut  with  the  guard  on  duty,  as 
was  the  custom  each  night,  I  was  awakened  by 
cannon-shots,  followed  by  rifle-shots,  and  I  saw  my 
sentry  on  guard  with  his  weapon  drawn,  looking 
at  me  with  fixed  attention.  I  asked,  "  What  is 
the  matter?"  He  made  no  answer.  But  I  paid 
no  attention  to  passing  incidents,  since  my  whole 
mind  was  taken  up  with  the  possessing  idea  of 
recovering  my  honor.  I  turned  over  on  my  bed. 
That,  no  doubt,  was  fortunate,  for  the  orders  to 
the  guard  were  peremptory,  and  he  probably 
would    have    fired    at    me,   if,   surprised    by    the 


246  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

unwonted    tumult,    I     had    jumped    from    my 
bed. 

On  the  loth  of  August,  1897,  I  wrote  to  my 
wife  :  — 

"  I  have  just  received  your  three  letters  of 
June  and  all  the  letters  from  the  family,  and  I 
am  answering  them  under  the  stress  of  the  emo- 
tion always  aroused  by  so  many  sweet  souvenirs 
and  the  tokens  of  so  much  suffering. 

"  When  I  have  told  you  once  more  of  my  deep 
love  for  you  and  of  my  admiration  for  your  noble 
character,  I  am  going  to  open  my  soul  to  you 
and  tell  you  of  that  one  duty  and  right  which 
you  should  renounce  only  with  your  life.  This 
right,  this  duty,  as  peremptory  for  my  country's 
sake  as  for  your  own,  is  to  strive  that  the  light 
may  shine  full  upon  this  horrible  drama ;  to  will, 
without  weakness  or  boasting,  but  with  indomi- 
table energy,  that  from  the  name  our  children  bear 
this  stain  shall  be  effaced. 

"  And  this  end,  Lucie,  you  should  all  pursue 
like  patriots  who,  even  though  suffering  martyr- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  247 

dom,  never  for  an  instant  forget  their  duty  to  their 
country.  And  when  the  whole  truth  shall  come 
out  —  as  it  must  eventually  —  ah,  well;  if  I  am 
then  no  longer  with  you,  you  must  cleanse  my 
memory  from  this  new  outrage,  so  undeserved,  so 
unjustifiable.  Far  above  men,  far  above  their  pas- 
sions, far  above  their  errors,  stands  France ;  she 
will  be  my  final  judge. 

"  To  be  an  honest  man  is  not  merely  to  be  in- 
capable of  stealing.  An  honest  man  is  one  who 
can  always  see  himself  in  that  mirror  that  does 
not  forget,  —  that  sees  everything,  that  knows 
everything ;  he  is  one  who  has  mirrored  in  his 
conscience  the  certainty  of  having  always  and 
everywhere  done  his  duty. 

"  Then,  dear  and  good  Lucie,  do  your  duty 
bravely,  undeviatingly,  as  a  good  and  valiant 
Frenchwoman  who  is  suffering  martyrdom,  but 
who  is  resolved  that  the  name  she  bears,  the  name 
that  her  children  bear,  shall  be  cleansed  from  this 
horrible  stain.  The  day  must  break.  The  limi- 
tations of  time  should  no  longer  mean  anything 
to  you. 


248  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

"  Indeed,  I  well  know  that  the  sentiments 
which  animate  me  are  common  to  us  all,  to  your 
dear  family  as  to  my  own. 

"  I  cannot  speak  to  you  of  the  children  ;  besides, 
I  know  you  too  well  to  have  a  moment's  doubt  as 
to  the  mafiner  in  which  you  will  bring  them  up. 
Never  leave  them  ;  be  with  them  always,  heart 
and  soul ;  listen  to  them  always,  however  impor- 
tunate may  be  their  questions.  As  I  have  often 
told  you,  to  educate  children  is  not  merely  to  pro- 
vide for  their  material,  or  even  their  intellectual 
life,  but  to  assure  them  of  the  sympathy  of  their 
parents,  to  inspire  them  with  confidence  and  the 
certainty  that  there  is  always  one  place  where 
they  can  unburden  their  hearts  and  forget  their 
pains  and  sorrows,  trivial  though  these  may  oft- 
times  appear  to  us. 

"  In  these  last  lines  I  wish  once  more  to  express 
my  deep  love  for  you,  for  our  dear  children,  for 
your  dear  parents,  for  you  all,  whom  1  love  from 
the  bottom  of  my  heart,  for  all  the  friends  whose 
thoughts  for  me  I  divine,  whose  unalterable  de- 
votion   I   know ;    and    to  say  to    you  again  and 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  249 

again,  Courage,  courage;  to  tell  you  that  noth- 
ing must  shake  your  will ;  that  high  above  my 
life  hovers  the  one  supreme  care,  —  the  honor  of 
my  name,  the  name  our  children  bear. 

"  I  embrace  you  with  the  ardent  fire  that  ani- 
mates my  soul  and  will  be  extinguished  only  with 
my  life.  Alfred." 

After  the  building  of  the  outside  palisade,  my 
hut  became  utterly  unfit  for  habitation  :  it  was 
deadly.  From  that  moment  I  had  no  air,  no 
light,  and  during  the  dry  season  the  heat  was 
inexpressibly  torrid  and  stifling.  In  the  rainy 
season  it  was  wretchedly  damp.  In  this  country, 
where  humidity  is  the  great  scourge  of  Europeans, 
the  lack  of  exercise,  together  with  the  pernicious 
influence  of  the  climate,  brought  me  so  low,  that 
on  the  physician's  advice  they  built  me  a  new 
hut.  Hence  during  the  month  of  August, 
1897,  when  one  of  the  palisades  around  my 
walk  was  taken  down  to  be  used  in  building  the 
palisades  of  the  new  hut,  I  was  again  wholly  shut 
up. 


X 


DEVIL'S   ISLAND    FROM   AUGUST   25 
1897,   TO   JUNE,   1899 

ON  the  25th  of  August,  1 897, 1  was  taken  to 
my  new  quarters  on  a  little  knoll  between 
the  dock  and  the  former  lepers'  camp. 
The  lodging  was  divided  into  halves  by  a  solid 
iron  grating.  I  was  on  one  side  of  it,  the  guard 
on  duty  on  the  other,  so  that  he  could  never  lose 
sight  of  me  for  an  instant.  Grated  windows,  too 
high  to  be  reached,  let  in  the  light  and  a  little  air. 
Later  on,  to  the  iron  bars  of  the  windows  was 
added  fine  wire  screen,  which  prevented  proper 
ventilation.  Then,  to  prevent  me  from  ever  ap- 
proaching the  window,  the  only  place  where  I 
could  breathe  a  little  fresh  air  during  those  stifling 
days  and  nights  of  Guiana,  they  set  up  inside  the 
hut  before  each  window  two  panels  that  formed 


252  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

with  it  a  triangle,  with  the  windows  as  a  base,  and 
the  apex  well  within  the  cell.  One  of  the  panels 
was  of  sheet-iron,  the  other  a  lattice-work  of  iron 
bars.  The  hut  was  surrounded  by  a  wooden 
palisade  over  nine  feet  high,  with  pointed  ends 
bristling  sharply  from  a  stone  wall  about  seven 
feet  high,  so  that  all  without,  the  sea  as  well  as  the 
island,  was  of  course  completely  shut  out  from 
sight. 

In  spite  of  this,  the  new  hut,  being  higher  and 
more  spacious,  was  better  than  the  old  one  ;  more- 
over, on  one  side  the  palisade  had  been  set 
farther  out,  and  there  was  but  one  palisade.  But 
the  dampness  penetrated  the  walls,  and  very  often, 
during  the  heavy  rains,  there  were  inches  of  water 
in  the  new  quarters,  and  from  the  day  of  my 
occupancy  vexations  increased.  The  attitude  of 
my  jailers  toward  me  varied  with  the  changes  of 
the  situation  in  France,  —  a  situation  of  which 
I  was  in  complete  ignorance.  New  steps  were 
taken  to  isolate  me  yet  more,  if  such  a  thing 
were  possible.  More  than  ever  I  was  obliged  to 
maintain  a  haughty  attitude  to  prevent  advantage 


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ALFRED    DREYFUS  253 

being  taken  of  me.  Snares  were  often  laid,  and 
the  guards  were  directed  to  ask  me  insidious 
questions.  In  my  nights  of  nervous  irritation, 
when  I  was  a  prey  to  nightmare,  the  man  on 
guard  duty  would  draw  near  to  my  bed,  try- 
ing to  catch  the  words  that  escaped  from  my 
lips.  During  this  period  Prison  Commandant 
Deniel,  instead  of  limiting  himself  to  the  strict 
duties  of  his  office,  exercised  the  low  and 
contemptible  trade  of  a  spy  ;  he  evidently  thought 
that  in  this  way  he  would  curry  favor  for  him- 
self with  the   Administration. 

The  following  extracts  from  the  general  orders 
of  transportation  to  the  He  du  Diable  were  posted 
in  my  hut :  — 

"  Article  22.  The  transported  convict  will  see  to  the 
cleanliness  of  his  hut  and  the  surrounding  space  allotted 
to  him,  and  he  will  prepare  his  own  food. 

"  Article  23.  Regular  rations  are  to  be  delivered  to 
him,  and  he  is  authorized  to  augment  these  by  receiving 
provisions  and  liquids  in  reasonable  measure,  as  to  which 
the  Prison  Administration  shall  be  the  judge. 

"  The  different  objects  for  the  use  of  the  transported 


254  FIVE  YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

convict  shall  be  given  to  him  only  after  minute  exami- 
nation and  according  to  his  daily  needs. 

"  Article  24.  The  convict  shall  hand  to  the  chief 
guard  all  letters  and  papers  written  by  him. 

"  Article  26.  Requests  or  complaints  which  the 
transported  convict  may  have  to  make  can  be  received 
only  by  the  chief  guard. 

"  Article  27.  During  the  day  the  doors  of  the  hut 
shall  be  open,  and,  until  night,  the  convict  has  the  right 
to  go  about  inside  the  space  enclosed  by  the  palisade. 

"  Any  communication  with  the  outside  world  is  for- 
bidden him. 

"  In  case  that,  contrary  to  the  disposition  of  Article  4, 
the  eventualities  of  service  should  require  the  presence  in 
the  island  of  guards  or  convicts  other  than  those  belong- 
ing to  the  ordinary  service,  he  is  to  be  shut  up  in  the  hut 
until  their  departure. 

"  Article  28.  During  the  night,  the  place  occupied 
by  the  convict  shall  be  lighted  inside  and  occupied  as 
during  the  day  by  a  guard." 

I  have  since  learned  that  from  this  time  on 
my  guards  also  received  the  order  to  report  every 
one  of  my  gestures  and  even  the  changes  of  ex- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  255 

pression  on  my  features.  It  may  be  imagined 
how  these  orders  were  executed  !  But  what  is 
graver  still  is  that  all  these  gestures  and  mani- 
festations of  my  grief  and  sometimes  of  my 
impatience  were  interpreted  by  Deniel  with  con- 
temptible, pernicious  malice. 

With  a  mind  as  ill-balanced  as  it  was  full  of 
vanity,  this  functionary  attached  immense  impor- 
tance to  the  least  incidents :  the  slightest  puff  of 
smoke  breaking  the  monotony  of  the  sky  at  the 
horizon  was  to  him  a  certain  sign  of  a  projected 
rescue,  and  was  the  excuse  for  more  rigorous 
measures  and  for  new  precautions.  That  a 
guardianship  so  understood,  with  its  hateful  in- 
tensity naturally  reflected  in  the  attitude  of  the 
subordinates,  was  calculated  to  aggravate  im- 
mensely my  condition,  can  readily  be  appreciated. 
Moreover,  I  know  of  no  torture  more  nerve- 
racking  and  more  insulting  to  the  pride  than  that 
which  I  suffered  during  five  years, —  to  have  two 
eyes  full  of  enmity  levelled  at  you  day  and  night, 
every  instant  and  under  every  condition,  and 
never  to  be  able  to  escape  or  defy  them  ! 


256  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

On  the  4th  of  September,  1897,  I  wrote  to  my 
wife :  — 

"  I  have  just  received  your  letters  of  July. 
You  tell  me  again  you  are  certain  the  full  light 
of  day  is  soon  to  shine;  this  certainty  is  also  in 
my  soul,  inspired  by  the  right  that  is  every  man's 
when  he  asks  but  one  thing  .  .  .  the  truth.  As 
long  as  I  have  the  strength  to  live,  I  shall  con- 
tinue to  write  to  you,  to  inspire  you  with  my 
indomitable  spirit.  Indeed,  the  last  letters  I 
wrote  to  you  are,  as  it  were,  my  mental  will  and 
testament.  .  .  . 

"  This  wound  indeed  bleeds  too  hard  sometimes, 
and  the  heart  revolts.  Worn  out  as  I  am,  I 
often  fall  under  these  sledge-hammer  blows,  and 
then  I  am  only  a  poor  human  being,  full  of 
agony  and  suffering ;  but  my  spirit  soon  revives, 
quivering  with  pain,  with  energy,  with  implacable 
desire  for  the  most  precious  thing  in  this  world, 
our  honor,  the  honor  of  our  children,  the  honor 
of  us  all.  And  then  I  brace  myself  anew  to 
address    to    the    whole    world    the    appeal    of  a 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  257 

man  who  asks  nothing,  wants  nothing  but  jus- 
tice. And  then,  too,  I  would  enkindle  in  you 
all  the  ardent  fire  that  burns  in  my  soul.  .  .  . 

"  I  live  only  by  feverish  will  from  day  to  day, 
proud  when  I  have  won  through  a  long  twenty- 
four  hours.  I  am  subjected  to  the  stupid  and 
useless  lot  of  the  man  in  the  iron  mask,  because 
there  is  always  that  same  afterthought  lingering 
in  the  mind  ;  I  told  you  so  frankly  in  one  of  my 
last  letters. 

"  As  for  you,  you  must  not  pay  any  attention 
to  what  anyone  says  or  to  what  anyone  thinks. 
You  must  do  your  duty  unflinchingly,  and  de- 
mand not  less  unflinchingly  your  right,  the  right 
of  justice  and  truth.  Yes,  the  light  must  shine 
out. 

"  To  speak  at  length  of  myself,  of  all  my  little 
affairs,  is  useless.  I  do  it  sometimes  in  spite  of 
myself,  for  the  heart  has  irrepressible  revolts.  Do 
what  I  will,  bitterness  mounts  from  my  heart  to  my 
lips  when  I  see  everything  thus  misunderstood,  — 
everything  that  goes  to  make  life  noble  and  beau- 
tiful ;  and  truly  were  it  a  question  of  myself  alone, 

A 

17 


258  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

long  ago  would  I  have  gone  to  seek  in  the  peace 
of  the  tomb  forgetfulness  of  ail  that  I  have  seen, 
of  all  that  I  have  heard,  of  all  that  I  live  through 
each  day.  .  .  . 

"  Each  time  I  write  to  you  I  can  hardly  lay 
down  my  pen  ;  not  that  I  have  anything  to  tell 
you,  but  because  I  must  leave  you  again  for  long 
days  and  live  only  in  my  thoughts  of  you.  .   .   . 

Alfred." 

In  the  mail  of  July,  1897,  arriving  on  the  4th 
of  September,  was  a  letter,  the  following  extract 
of  which  remained  an  enigma  to  me,  the  letter 
of  the  I  St  of  July  to  which  it  refers  never  having 
reached  me. 

"  Paris,  July  15,  1897. 

"  You  must  have  had  a  better  impression  from 
the  letter  I  wrote  you  on  the  ist  of  July  than 
from  those  which  went  before.  I  was  less  dis- 
tressed, and  the  future  at  least  appeared  to  me 
under  less  sombre  colors.  .  .  . 

"  We  have  made  an  immense  step  forward 
toward  the  truth.  Unhappily  I  can  tell  you  no 
more.  Lucie." 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  259 

In  October  came  a  letter,  of  which  the  follow- 
ing is  an  extract :  — 

Paris,  August  15,  1897. 

"  I  am  filled  with  anxiety  at  not  having  news 
from  you.  For  nearly  seven  weeks  there  have 
come  no  letters.  ...  I  hope  it  is  only  a  delay, 
that  I  shall  very  soon  receive  a  good  mail.  All 
my  joy  while  waiting  for  something  better  is  in 
reading  the  brave  lines  you  send  me,  and  praying 
that  you  may  be  given  back  to  me,  that  I  may 
live  in  deep  happiness  at  your  side  and  be  com- 
forted. .  .  . 

"  Try  not  to  think,  or  to  make  your  poor 
brain  work.  Do  not  wear  yourself  out  in  fruitless 
conjectures.  Think  only  of  the  end.  Give  rest 
to  your  poor  weary  head.   .  .  .  Lucie." 

Then  in  November  :  — 

Paris,  September  i,  1897. 

"  It  is  with  a  heart  full  of  happiness  that  I  write 
to  confirm  the  news  I  gave  you  in  my  letters  of 
last  month.  It  is  so  good  to  be  able  to  say  that 
we  see  the  clear  path  opening  out  before  us.  I 
can  only  press  upon  you  to  have  confidence,  not 


26o  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

to  grieve  any  more,  and  to  be  very  certain  that 
we  shall  attain  our  end."  ... 

**  Paris,  September  25,  1897. 

"  I  will  add  but  one  word  to  my  long  letters  of 
this  month.^ 

"  I  am  happy  in  the  thought  that  they  will 
inspire  you  with  renewed  hope  and  with  the 
strength  to  await  your  rehabilitation.  I  cannot 
say  more  to  you  about  it  than  I  have  done  in 
my  last  letters.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

I  answered  these  letters  :  — 

*♦  Iles  du  Salut,  November  4,  1897. 

"  Your  letters  breathe  such  an  air  of  confi- 
dence that  they  have  brought  serenity  to  my 
heart,  tortured  so  often  for  you  and  our  dear 
children. 

"  You  tell  me,  poor  darhng,  not  to  think,  not  to 
try  to  understand.  Oh,  try  to  understand !  I 
have  never  done  that ;  it  is  impossible  !  But 
how  can  I  stop  my  thoughts  ?     All  that  I  can  do 

1  The  letter  of  the  ist  of  September  and  that  of  the  25th 
were  the  only  ones  of  this  month  which  reached  me. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  261 

is,  as  I  have  told  you,  to  try  to  wait  patiently 
for  the  supreme  day  of  the  triumph  of  truth. 

"  During  the  last  months  I  have  poured  out 
my  overburdened  heart  to  you  in  many  letters. 
What  would  you?  For  three  years  I  have  seen 
myself  the  plaything  of  agencies  which  are  en- 
tirely unknown  to  me,  but  I  have  never  deviated 
from  the  absolute  rule  of  conduct  that  I  imposed 
upon  myself;  that  my  conscience  as  a  loyal  sol- 
dier devoted  to  his  country  imposed  upon  me. 
In  spite  of  one's  self,  however,  bitterness  will 
mount  from  the  heart  to  the  lips ;  anger  will 
take  one  by  the  throat  and  make  him  cry  out 
in  pain. 

"  Formerly  I  swore  never  to  speak  of  myself,  to 
close  my  eyes  to  everything,  because  for  me,  as 
for  you,  for  us  all,  there  can  be  but  one  real 
consolation  .  .  .  that  of  truth,  of  unshrouded 
light. 

"  But  while  my  too  long  sufferings,  the  appalling 
situation,  the  climate,  which  alone  is  enough  to 
set  the  brain  on  fire,  —  while  all  things  combined 
have  not   made   me  forget  a  single  one    of  my 


262  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

duties,  they  have  ended  by  leaving  me  in  a  state 
of  nervous  prostration  that  is  terrible.  I  under- 
stand thoroughly  too,  my  darling,  that  you 
cannot  give  me  details.  In  affairs  like  this, 
where  grave  interests  are  at  stake,  silence  is 
obligatory. 

"  I  chatter  on  to  you,  though  I  have  nothing  to 
tell  you  ;  but  it  does  me  good,  —  it  rests  my  heart 
and  relaxes  the  tension  of  my  nerves.  Truly  my 
heart  is  often  pierced  with  grief  when  I  think  of 
you  and  of  our  children  ;  and  then  I  ask  myself 
what  I  can  have  done  on  this  earth  that  those 
whom  I  love  the  most,  those  for  whom  I  would 
give  my  blood,  drop  by  drop,  should  be  tried  by 
such  awful  martyrdom.  But  even  when  the  brim- 
ming cup  overflows,  the  thought  of  you  and  the 
children  —  that  thought  which  makes  all  my 
being  vibrate  and  exalts  it  to  the  greatest  heights 
—  gives  me  the  power  to  rise  from  the  depths  of 
despair. 

"  I  have  expressed  my  resolution  plainly  to  you 
because  I  know  it  is  your  own,  and  that  nothing 
has  ever  been  able  to  overcome  it. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  263 

"It  is  this  feeling,  together  with  the  remem- 
brance of  my  duties,  that  has  enabled  me  to  live  ; 
it  is  this  feeling  also  that  has  made  me  ask  once 
more  from  all  of  you  every  co-operation  and  a 
stronger  effort  than  ever  toward  a  simple  work 
of  justice  and  reparation,  leaving  all  personal 
feeling  and  all  passion  behind. 

"  May  I  tell  you  once  more  of  my  affection  ? 
It  is  needless,  for  you  know  it  well ;  but  I  cannot 
help  speaking  of  it  now,  for  the  other  day  I  re- 
read all  your  letters,  in  order  that  I  might  pass 
some  of  the  endless  minutes  near  a  loving  heart, 
and  a  great  feeling  of  wonder  arose  in  me  at  your 
dignity  and  courage.  If  the  trial  found  in  great 
misfortunes  is  the  touchstone  of  noble  souls, 
then,  O  my  darling,  yours  is  one  of  the  noblest 
souls  of  which  it  is  possible  to  dream. 

Alfred." 

The  month  of  November  and  then  the  month 
of  December,  1897,  passed  without  letters.  At 
last,  on  the  9th  of  January,  1898,  after  this  har- 
assing delay,  there  came,  all  together,  my  mail  of 


264  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

October  and  November,  from  which  I  extract  the 
following  passages :  — 

"Paris,  October  6,  1897. 
"My  last  letter  did  not  succeed,  I  fear,  in 
expressing  in  its  fulness  the  absolute  confidence 
we  all  have,  which  has  grown  steadily  stronger 
since  then,  in  the  return  of  our  happiness.  I 
should  like  to  tell  you  of  the  joy  I  feel  at  seeing 
the  horizon  clearing  and  at  having  a  glimpse  of 
the  end  of  our  sufferings.  I  feel  myself  wholly 
incapable  of  making  you  share  my  feelings,  since 
for  you,  poor  exiled  one,  to  the  distress  of  wait- 
ing there  is  always  added  ignorance  of  all  that 
we  are  doing.  Vague  sentences,  the  stringing 
together  of  words,  give  you  little  more  than  the 
assurance  of  our  deep  affection  and  our  oft-re- 
newed promise  that  we  shall  succeed  in  restoring 
you.  If,  like  me,  you  could  understand  the 
progress  we  have  made,  and  the  distance  we 
have  traversed  through  the  depths  of  darkness 
toward  the  full  light,  how  brightened  and  con- 
soled you  would  feel. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  265 

"It  breaks  my  heart  not  to  be  able  to  tell  you 
all  that  moves  me  so  deeply  and  gives  me  such 
hope.  I  suffer  from  the  knowledge  that  you  are 
undergoing  a  martyrdom  which,  though  it  must 
be  prolonged  physically  until  the  error  is  offi- 
cially recognized,  is  at  least  morally  useless,  and 
that  you  are  passing  through  alternations  of  an- 
guish and  hope  that  might  be  spared  you,  even 
while  I  feel  more  reassured  and  tranquil." 

''Paris,  November  17,  1897, 
"  I  am  uneasy  at  having  no  letter  from  you. 
Your  last,  dated  the  4th  of  September,  reached  me 
in  the  first  days  of  October,  and  since  then  I  have 
been  absolutely  without  news  of  you.  I  have  never 
spent  myself  in  complaints  and  surely  I  shall  not 
begin  now ;  yet  God  knows  I  have  suffered,  re- 
maining for  weeks  and  weeks  in  the  maddening 
distress  which  a  total  lack  of  word  from  you  has 
caused  me.  I  persuade  myself  from  day  to  day 
that  my  torments  are  about  to  cease,  that  I  am 
to  be  reassured,  so  far  as  I  can  be  while  you  are 
suffering.     But  hope  on  with  all  your  strength  ! 


266  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

How  can  I  tell  you  my  faith  in  the  outcome,  and 
yet  stay  within  the  limits  permitted  to  me?  It 
is  difficult,  and  I  can  only  pledge  you  my  word 
that  within  a  time  very,  very  near,  your  name 
shall  be  cleared.  Ah,  if  I  could  speak  to  you 
openly  and  tell  you  all  the  shifting  and  unex- 
pected scenes  of  this  frightful  drama ! 

"  When  this  letter  arrives  in  Guiana  I  hope  you 
will  have  received  the  good  news  for  which  your 
soul  has  been  waiting  these  three  long  years. 

Lucie." 

When  these  letters,  belated  as  always,  reached 
me  in  January,  1898,  not  only  had  I  not  received 
the  good  news  which  they  foreshadowed,  but  vex- 
ations had  redoubled  in  intensity  and  the  surveil- 
lance was  still  more  rigorous.  From  ten  guards 
the  number  had  been  increased  to  thirteen ;  sen- 
tinels had  been  placed  around  my  hut ;  the  breath 
of  fear  and  suspicion  compassed  me  about ;  I  felt 
it  in  the  attitude  of  my  jailers. 

It  was  at  this  time  that  a  tower  was  built  higher 
than  the  guards'  barracks,  and  on  its  platform  a 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  267 

Hotchkiss  gun  was  placed  so  as  to  command  the 
approaches  to  the  island. 

Because  of  these  things  I  addressed  again  to 
the  President  of  the  Republic  and  the  members 
of  the  Government  the  same  appeals  I  had  made 
before. 

In  the  early  days  of  February,  1898,  there 
arrived  two  letters  from  my  wife,  dated  December 
4,  1897,  and  December  26,  1897.  These  were 
partial  copies  of  her  originals. 

I  have  since  learned  that  my  wife  had  in  dis- 
creet terms  given  me  to  understand,  in  her  letters 
of  August  and  September,  that  a  leading  member 
of  the  Senate  had  taken  my  cause  in  hand. 
This  information,  of  course,  was  suppressed,  and 
I  learned  only  on  my  return  to  France  in  1899 
of  the  courageous  initiative  taken  by  M.  Scheurer- 
Kestner,  and  not  until  then  did  I  learn  of  the 
events  which  were  taking  place  in  France  at  the 
time  of  this  letter. 

One  of  the  extracts  given  me  in  a  copy  from 
my  wife's  letter  of  December  4,  1897,  caused  me 
deep  sorrow  by  its  pathos  :  — 


268  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"  I  have  received  two  letters  from  you.  Al- 
though you  say  nothing  to  me  of  your  sufferings, 
and  these  letters,  like  the  others,  are  filled  with 
dignity  and  courage,  I  have  felt  your  grief  so 
acutely  through  them  that  I  must  try  to  bring 
you  some  comfort,  —  to  let  you  hear  a  few  words 
of  affection  from  a  loving  heart  whose  tenderness 
and  attachment  are,  as  you  know,  as  deep  as  they 
are  unchangeable. 

•  "  But  how  many  days  have  passed  since  you 
wrote  those  letters,  and  how  much  time  must  still 
go  by  until  these  lines  come  to  remind  you  that 
day  and  night  my  thoughts  are  with  you,  and 
that  during  every  hour  and  every  minute  of  your 
long  torture  my  soul  and  heart  and  all  that  feels 
in  me  thrills  in  unison  with  you!  I  am  the  echo 
of  your  cruel  sufferings  and  would  give  my  life  to 
shorten  your  torture.  If  you  knew  what  sorrow 
I  feel  at  not  being  there  near  you,  and  with  what 
joy  I  would  have  accepted  the  harshest  and  bit- 
terest life,  to  share  your  exile,  to  surround  you 
with  my  affection  and  heal  your  wounds  as  best 
I   might ! 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  269 

"  But  it  was  written  that  we  should  not  have 
even  the  consolation  of  suffering  together,  that 
we  should  drain  apart,  to  the  very  last  drop,  our 
cup  of  bitterness."   .  .  . 

Then  followed  the  old,  oft-repeated  shadow- 
ings  of  hope. 

In  reply  to  this  letter  I  wrote  my  wife :  — 

**  Iles  du  Salut,  February  7,  1898. 

"  I  have  just  received  your  dear  letters  of 
December,  and  my  heart  is  breaking,  rent  by  the 
consciousness  of  so  much  unmerited  suffering. 

"For  the  last  three  months,  in  fever  and  de- 
lirium, suffering  martyrdom  night  and  day  for 
you  and  our  children,  I  have  addressed  appeal  on 
appeal  to  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  State,  to  the 
Government,  to  those  who  caused  me  to  be  con- 
demned, to  the  end  that  I  may  obtain  justice  after 
all  my  torment,  an  end  to  our  terrible  martyr- 
dom ;  and   I   have  not  been  answered. 

"To-day  I  am  reiterating  with  still  more  energy, 
if  that  could  be,  my  former  appeals  to  the  Chief 
Magistrate  of  the  State  and  to  the  Government,  for 


270  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

you  must  no  longer  be  subjected  to  such  martyr- 
dom ;  our  children  must  not  grow  up  dishonored; 
I  can  no  longer  suffer  in  a  black  hole  for  an 
abominable  crime  that  I  did  not  commit.  And 
now  I  am  waiting ;  I  expect  6ach  day  to  hear  that 
the  light  of  truth  is  to  shine  for  us  at  last. 

Alfred." 

In  the  course  of  the  month  of  February,  the 
rigorous  measures  were  increasingly  emphasized, 
and,  as  I  had  received  no  reply  to  my  previous 
appeals  to  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  State  and 
to  the  members  of  the  Government,  I  addressed 
the  following  letter  to  the  President  of  the  Cham- 
ber of  Deputies  and  to  the  deputies  :  — 

**  Iles  du  Salut,  February  28,  1898. 
"  Monsieur  le  President  de  la  Chambre  des  Deputes  : 

"Messieurs   les   Deputes, — 

"  From  the  day  after  my  condemnation,  more 
than  three  years  ago,  when  Commandant  du  Paty 
de  Clam  came  after  I  had  been  sentenced  for  an 
abominable  crime  I  had  not  committed,  to  ask  me, 
in  the  name  of  the  Minister  of  War,  whether  I  was 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  271 

innocent  or  guilty,  I  have  declared  not  only  that 
am  I  innocent,  but  that  I  demand  the  fullest 
light  on  the  matter.  I  also  begged  to  have  inves- 
tigations made  through  all  the  customary  channels, 
either  through  the  military  attaches  or  from  any 
other  sources  open  to  the  Government. 

"  Reply  was  then  made  to  me  that  higher  inter- 
ests than  my  own  prevented  the  use  of  the  cus- 
tomary means  of  investigation,  owing  to  the  origin 
of  this  gloomy  and  tragical  affair  of  the  hordereaUy 
but  that  inquiries  would  be  pushed  steadily. 

"  I  have  waited  for  three  years,  in  the  most 
frightful  situation  imaginable,  humiliated  and 
harassed  continually  and  without  cause,  and  these 
researches  come  to  nothing. 

"  If,  therefore,  interests  higher  than  my  own 
have  prevented,  must  always  prevent,  the  use  of 
the  only  means  of  investigation  which  can  finally 
put  an  end  to  the  martyrdom  of  so  many  human 
beings,  and  which  alone  can  fully  illuminate  this 
matter,  these  same  interests  surely  cannot  demand 
that  an  innocent  wife  and  children  should  be 
sacrificed  to  them.     This  would  be  a  return  to 


272  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

the  darkest  ages  of  history,  when  truth  was  stifled 
and  light  was  smothered. 

"  Several  months  ago  I  appealed  to  the  high 
sense  of  justice  of  the  Cabinet  Ministers,  repre- 
senting to  them  the  undeserved  horror  of  the 
situation ;  I  now  appeal  to  the  deputies,  begging 
of  them  justice  for  me  and  mine.  The  whole  life 
of  my  children  hangs  in  the  balance." 

The  same  letter,  written  in  identical  words, 
was  addressed  at  the  same  date  to  the  President 
and  members  of  the  Senate.  These  appeals  were 
renewed  shortly  afterward.  M.  Meline,  Pre- 
mier, suppressed  these  letters.  They  never 
reached  their  destination. 

And  these  letters  reached  France  at  the  very 
moment  when  the  author  of  the  crime  was  glori- 
fied, while  I,  ignorant  of  all  events  passing  there, 
was  chained  to  my  rock,  multiplying  appeals,  cry- 
ing aloud  my  innocence  to  the  closed  ears  of 
those  who  were  sworn  to  seek  out  the  truth  and 
uphold  the  right. 

In   March  I  received  my  wife's  letters  of  the 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  273 

beginning  of  January,  always  expressing  in  vague 
words  the  same  hope,  but  never  clearly  explaining 
the  basis  of  that  hope. 

Then  in  April  there  was  complete  silence. 
The  letters  Lucie  sent  me  in  the  last  days  of 
January  and  February,  1898,  never  reached  me. 

As  to  the  letters  which  I  wrote  from  this  time 
on  to  my  wife,  she  never  received  the  originals, 
and  we  have  only  mutilated  copies  of  them. 

Here  are  a  few  extracts  from  the  fragmentary 
copies  of  my  wife's  letters,  received  after  this 
period  of  silence  :  — 

**  Paris,  March  6,  1 898. 

"Although  my  letters  are  very  commonplace 
and  desperately  monotonous,  I  cannot  help  com- 
ing to  you.  .   .   . 

"  You  see  there  are  moments  when  my  heart  is 
so  swollen,  when  your  sufferings  re-echo  in  my 
soul  with  such  force,  so  piercingly,  that  I  can  no 
longer  control  myself.  The  separation  weighs 
too  heavily  on  me ;  it  is  too  cruel !  In  an  out- 
burst of  my  whole  being  I  stretch  out  my  arms 

to  you.     With  a  supreme  effort  I  seek  to  reach 

18 


2/4  FIVE    YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

you.  Then  I  believe  myself  to  be  near  you  ;  1 
speak  softly  of  hope.  All  too  soon  I  am  awak- 
ened from  my  dream  and  brought  back  sharply 
to  reality  by  a  child's  voice,  by  some  noise  from 
without.  Then  I  find  myself  again  isolated,  sad, 
face  to  face  with  my  thoughts,  with  your  suffer- 
ings. How  unhappy  you  must  have  been,  de- 
prived of  all  news,  as  you  wrote  in  your  letter  of 
the  6th  of  January  !  Never  forget,  when  you 
receive  no  letters  from  me,  that  I  am  with  you  in 
thought,  that  I  abandon  you  neither  night  nor 
day,  and  that,  though  words  cannot  give  you  the 
expression  of  the  depths  of  my  love,  no  obstacle 
can  stand  in  the  way  of  the  union  of  our  hearts 
and  thoughts." 

*•  Paris,  April  7,  1898. 
"  I  have  just  received  your  letter  of  the  5th  of 
March.  Its  news  is  comparatively  recent  to  us 
who  are  accustomed  to  suffer  so  much  from  the 
irregularity  of  the  mails,  and  I  had  an  agreeable 
surprise  at  seeing  so  late  a  date.  How  misfor- 
tunes change  one !  With  that  resignation  we 
learn  to  accept  the  seemingly  unendurable.  .  .  , 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  275 

When  I  say  that  I  accept  with  resignation,  it  is 
not  the  exact  truth.  I  do  not  recriminate,  be- 
cause, until  your  full  innocence  is  recognized,  I 
must  live  as  I  do ;  but  in  the  depths  of  my  being 
there  is  revolt  and  wrath,  and  the  emotions  which 
have  been  suppressed  during  these  long  years  of 
waiting  overflow."   .  .  . 

"  Paris,  June  5,  1 898. 
"  Here  I  am  again  leaning  on  my  table  lost  in 
my  sad  thoughts.  I  have  just  written  you  and, 
as  happens  to  rhe  twenty  times  a  day,  I  lose  my- 
self in  long  reveries.  I  run  to  you  thus  every 
moment.  It  is  a  relaxation  to  escape  from  my- 
self, and  let  my  thought  join  my  heart,  which  is 
always  with  you  in  your  far-oflF  exile.  I  visit  you 
often,  so  often,  and  since  I  have  not  yet  been  al- 
lowed to  go  and  join  you,  I  bring  you  all  that  is 
myself,  my  spiritual  personality,  my  thought  and 
will  and  energy,  and,  above  all,  my  love,  —  all 
intangible  things  which  no  human  power  can  con- 
trol."  .  .  . 


276  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"Paris,  July  25,  1898. 
"  When  the  burden  of  life  becomes  too  heavy 
to  endure,  I  turn  from  the  present,  call  up  my 
happier  memories,  and  find  new  strength  to  keep 

up  the  struggle.  .  .  . 

Lit 
UCIE. 

This  was  her  only  July  letter  that  reached 
me;  after  that  time  the  original  letters  were  again 
given  to  me. 

My  days  passed  in  extreme  impatience,  since  I 
understood  nothing  of  what  was  going  on  con- 
cerning me.  As  to  the  appeals  I  had  addressed 
to  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  Republic,  the 
answer  invariably  made  me  was  :  "  Your  appeals 
have  been  transmitted  to  the  members  of  the 
Government  through  the  constitutional  channels." 
There  was  nothing  more ;  and  I  kept  waiting 
always  for  the  outcome  of  my  demand  for  a  revi- 
sion of  my  trial.  I  was  of  necessity  absolutely 
ignorant  of  the  new  law  on  revision,  which  dates 
from  1895;  that  is,  from  a  time  when  I  was 
already  in  captivity. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  277 

A  request  to  have  a  telegraphic  correspondence 
code  was  refused. 

In  the  month  of  August,  1898,  I  wrote  my 
wife  :  — 

"  Although  I  sent  you  two  long  letters  by  the 
last  mail,  I  will  not  allow  this  one  to  go  without 
sending  you  an  echo  of  my  boundless  affection, 
without  repeating  to  you  the  words  that  are  to 
sustain  your  invincible  courage. 

"  The  clear  consciousness  of  our  duty  must 
make  us  strong  to  endure.  Terrible  as  our  des- 
tiny may  be,  we  must  brace  our  souls  to  wrestle 
with  fate  until  it  bends  to  us. 

"  The  words  I  have  for  so  long  been  saying  to 
you  over  and  over  again  are  and  remain  unchange- 
able. My  honor  is  my  own  ;  it  is  the  patrimony 
of  our  children,  and  it  must  be  restored  to  them. 
I  have  demanded  it  back  from  my  country.  I  can 
only  hope   that  our  martyrdom  may  at  last  end. 

"In  my  former  letters  I  spoke  at  length  of 
our  children,  and  of  their  sensitiveness,  of  which 
you    complained,  although    I   am   sure  you    are 


278  FIVE    YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

bringing  up  the  dear  little  ones  admirably.  Sen- 
sibility, that  which  responds  to  the  promptings 
of  mind  and  heart,  is  the  mainspring  of  educa- 
tion. What  hold  can  one  have  on  an  indolent 
or  insensible  nature  ? 

"  We  must  act  by  moral  influence,  as  well  for 
the  direction  as  for  the  development  of  the  in- 
telligence; and  such  influence  can  be  exercised 
only  over  a  sensitive  being.  I  am  not  a  partisan 
of  corporal  punishment,  although  it  may  some- 
times be  necessary  for  children  of  rebellious 
nature.  A  soul  led  by  fear  always  remains  en- 
feebled. A  sad  countenance  and  severe  manner 
are  sufficient  to  make  a  sensitive  child  compre- 
hend his  fault. 

"It  always  does  me  good  to  come  to  you  and 
talk  of  our  children,  who  in  happiness  were  the 
subject  of  our  familiar  conversations,  and  are  now 
our  chief  reason  for  hving. 

"  If  I  listened  only  to  my  heart,  I  should 
write  you  oftener,  for  it  seems  to  me  in  this  way 
—  I  know  it  is  the  merest  illusion,  but  it  com- 
forts  me  —  that   at  the   same   time   and    minute 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  279 

you  may  feel  across  the  space  which  separates  us 
the  beating  of  a  heart  that  Hves  only  for  you  and 
our  children,  a  heart  that  loves  you.  ... 

"  But  above  everything  else  rises  the  worship 
of  honor.  We  must  detach  ourselves  from  our 
internal  suffering.  Oppression  and  injustice  arise 
from  causes  outside  of  ourselves  —  beyond  our 
control.  But  our  honor  is  our  own,  the  patri- 
mony of  our  children  and  their  future.  Cour- 
ageously and  tirelessly,  without  impatience  but 
also  without  weakness,  we  must  strive  to  preserve 
it  unspotted.  Alfred." 

At  the  same  time  I  asked  by  letter  and  tele- 
gram whether  by  this  time  some  measures  had 
been  taken  in  response  to  my  requests  for  revision, 
to  which  I  had  always  received  the  same  non- 
committal reply:  "Your  appeal  to  the  President 
of  the  Republic  has  been  forwarded  through  the 
channels  provided  by  the  constitution  to  the 
members  of  the  Government."  But  silence, 
silence,  was  the  only  answer  I  obtained.  Driven 
to  attempt  to  obtain  a  reply  by  the  use  of  extreme 


28o  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

measures,  I  made  the  declaration  in  September, 
1898,  that  I  should  cease  my  correspondence 
until  I  had  an  answer  to  my  demands  for  re- 
vision. This  declaration  was  inexactly  trans- 
mitted by  cable  to  my  wife,  and  it  will  be  seen 
later  on  to  what  complications  it  gave  rise. 

In  October  I  received  my  wife's  letters  written 
in  August ;  in  them  was  always  expressed  the 
same  vague  hope.  It  was  impossible  for  her,  in 
her  mutilated  and  often  suppressed  correspond- 
ence, to  strengthen  this  hope  by  precise  facts. 

I  again  renewed  my  requests  for  a  reply  to  my 
petitions  for  revision.  On  the  27th  of  October, 
1898,  while  I  was  still  in  ignorance  of  the  appeal 
for  revision  made  by  my  wife,  and  of  the  fact 
that  her  appeal  had  been  allowed  to  come  before 
the  Court  of  Cassation  (Supreme  Court)  to  be 
passed  upon  by  it,  I  was  at  last  told  :  "  You 
will  soon  receive  a  definite  answer  to  the  requests 
for  revision  which  you  have  sent  to  the  Chief 
Magistrate  of  the  nation." 

I  immediately  wrote  the  following  letter  to  my 
wife :  — 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  281 

"  Iles  du  Salut,  October  27,  1898. 
"  A  few  lines  to  send  you  a  slight  echo  of  my 
deep  affection  and  the  expression  of  my  great 
tenderness.  I  have  just  been  informed  that  I 
shall  soon  receive  a  definite  answer  to  my  de- 
mands for  a  revision.  I  am  waiting  for  it  calmly 
and    with    confidence,   never    doubting    that    the 

reply  will  be  my  rehabilitation.  .   .  . 

Alfred." 

A  few  days  later,  early  in  November,  I  received 
my  September  mail.  In  this  my  wife  announced 
to  me  that  grave  events  had  taken  place  which  I 
should  learn  about  later,  and  that  she  had  pre- 
sented a  demand  for  revision,  which  had  been 
received  by  the  Government. 

This  news  coincided  with  the  reply  which  had 
been  given  me  on  the  27th  of  October. 

I  was  still  in  ignorance  of  the  fact  that  the  re- 
quest for  revision  had  been  transmitted  by  the 
Government  to  the  Supreme  Court  and  that  the 
hearing  had  begun. 

On  the  i6th  of  November,  1898,  I  received  a 
telegram  worded  as  follows  :  — 


282  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

"Cayenne,  November  i6,  1898. 

"  Governor  to  transported  convict  Dreyfus, 
through  the  commanding  officer  at  the  lies  du 
Salut : 

"  You  are  informed  that  the  Criminal  Branch 
of  the  Supreme  Court  has  declared  acceptable  in 
form  the  application  for  a  revision  of  your  sen- 
tence and  has  ordered  that  you  be  notified  of  this 
decision  and  be  invited  to  set  forth  your  defence." 

I  understood  that  the  hearing  on  the  merits 
of  the  case  was  now  to  be  opened.  Whereupon 
I  demanded  to  be  put  at  once  into  communica- 
tion with  Maitre  Demange,  my  counsel  of  1894. 
Of  course  I  knew  nothing  of  what  had  been  going 
on  during  all  this  time  ;  I  still  thought  the  bor- 
dereau to  be  the  one  document  in  the  case.  I  had 
nothing  to  add  to  the  plea  I  had  made  before  the 
first  Court  Martial,  and  nothing  that  would  affect 
the  evidence  concerning  the  bordereau.  I  was  not 
aware  that  the  date  when  the  bordereau  was  re- 
ceived had  been  changed,  thus  modifying  the 
hypothesis  put  forth  during  the  first  trial  as  to 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  283 

the  different  documents  enumerated  in  the  bor- 
dereau. I  therefore  thought  the  affair  a  very 
simple  one,  limited,  as  at  the  first  Court  Martial, 
to  a  discussion  concerning  handwriting. 

On  the  28th  of  November,  1898,  I  was  au- 
thorized to  go  about  from  seven  o'clock  to  eleven 
in  the  morning  and  from  two  to  five  in  the  after- 
noon within  the  Hmits  of  the  "  fortified  camp." 
By  this  term  was  meant  the  enclosure  given  up 
to  the  guards*  barracks  and  my  tent,  and  sur- 
rounded by  a  low  stone  wall. 

My  walk  was  really  confined  to  a  passage-way 
under  the  direct  rays  of  the  sun,  winding  among 
the  barracks  and  their  out-buildings.  But  I  saw 
again  the  sea,  which  I  had  not  seen  for  more  than 
two  years  ;  I  saw  again  the  meagre  vegetation  of 
the  island.  My  eyes  could  rest  on  something 
beyond  the  four  walls  of  my  prison. 

In  December  no  letter  came  from  my  wife. 
None  of  the  letters  which  she  wrote  me  in  Oc- 
tober ever  reached  me.  I  grew  impatient  and 
demanded  an  explanation.  I  asked  when  the 
hearing  on  the  merits   of  the  case  would   open 


284  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

before  the  Supreme  Court.  (I  did  not  know 
that  the  hearing  had  taken  place  on  the  27th, 
28th,  and  29th  of  October.)  No  answer  was 
given   me. 

On  the  28th  of  December,  1898,  I  received 
the  following  letter  from  my  wife  :  — 

**  Paris,  November  22,  1898. 

"  I  do  not  know  whether  you  have  received 
my  letters  of  last  month  ^  in  which  I  described  tt) 
you,  in  a  general  way,  the  steps  which  we  had 
to  take  before  being  able  to  present  formally 
our  demand  for  revision,  informing  you  also  of 
the  procedure  adopted  and  the  final  admission 
of  the  application.  Each  new  success,  although 
it  made  me  very  happy,  was  poisoned  by  the 
thought  that  you,  poor  unhappy  one,  were  in 
ignorance  of  the  facts  and  doubtless  were  begin- 
ning to  despair. 

"  Finally,  last  week  I  had  the  great  joy  of  hear- 
ing that  the  Government  had  sent  a  cablegram 
informing  you  of  the  admission  of  our  demand 
for  revision. 

*  None  of  these  letters  ever  reached  me. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  285 

"  Fifteen  days  ago  I  was  apprised  of  a  letter 
written  by  you  in  which,  it  appears,  you  had  de- 
clared your  resolution  of  writing  no  more,  not 
even  to  me.  .  .  .  Lucie." 

Exasperated  at  so  inexact  an  interpretation  of 
my  thought,  I  at  once  wrote  to  the  Governor  of 
Guiana  a  letter  worded  very  nearly  as  follows : 

"  By  the  letter  which  I  have  just  received  from 
Madame  Dreyfus,  I  see  that  she  has  been  ac- 
quainted, only  in  part,  with  a  letter  which  I 
addressed  to  you  last  September,  declaring  to  you 
that  I  should  cease  my  correspondence,  while 
awaiting  the  answer  to  the  request  for  revision 
which  I  had  addressed  to  the  Chief  Magistrate  of 
the  nation.  By  the  communication  of  only  an 
extract  of  my  letter,  a  distorted  idea  of  my  mean- 
ing has  been  given  to  my  dear  wife,  which  mi/st 
have  been  more  than  bitter  to  her.  It  is  there- 
fore a  bounden  duty  for  him  —  who  it  is  I  do  not 
know  and  do  not  wish  to  know  —  who  has  com- 
mitted this  deed  and  upon  whom  the  responsi- 
bility for  it  lies,  to  make  reparation." 


286  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY    LIFE 

I  learned  that  the  text  which  had  been  made 
known  to  my  wife  was  a  transmission  by  cable 
of  my  letter,  and  that  the  letter  had  been  cabled 
erroneously. 

At  the  same  time  I  wrote  my  wife  the  follow- 
ing letter :  — 

**  Iles  du  Salut,  December  26,   1898. 

"  I  had  had  no  letters  from  you  for  two  months. 
A  few  days  ago  I  received  your  letter  of  the  2 2d 
of  November.  If  I  discontinued  my  correspond- 
ence for  a  time,  it  was  because  I  was  waiting  for 
the  answer  to  my  demands  for  revision  and  could 
do  nothing  more  than  repeat  myself.  Since  then 
you  must  have  received  numerous  letters  from  me. 

"If  my  voice  had  ceased  to  be  heard,  it  would 
have  been  because  it  was  forever  silenced,  for  1 
have  lived  only  to  preserve  my  honor,  to  do  my 
diity  as  I  have  everywhere  and  always  done  it, 
without  fear  or  favor.  Alfred." 

The  news  I  had  received  during  these  last 
months  brought  me  a  blessed  solace.  I  had 
never   despaired,  I    had   never  lost  faith  in    the 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  287 

future,  convinced  as  I  was  from  the  first  day  that 
the  truth  would  be  known,  that  it  was  impossible 
for  a  crime  so  odious,  so  utterly  foreign  to  my 
nature,  to  remain  unpunished.  But  as  I  knew 
nothing  of  events  passing  in  France,  and  on  the 
other  hand  saw  my  situation  becoming  daily  more 
terrible,  being  constantly  and  causelessly  insulted, 
borne  down  night  and  day  by  the  elements,  the 
climate,  and  the  inhumanity  of  my  jailers,  I  had 
begun  to  doubt  whether  I  should  live  to  see  the 
final  act  of  the  drama.  My  will  was  not  weak- 
ened, it  remained  as  inflexible  as  ever,  but  I  had 
moments  of  passionate  despair  over  the  situation 
in  which  my  wife  and  children  were  placed. 

At  last  the  horizon  was  brightening,  I  had 
glimpses  of  the  approaching  end  of  our  martyr- 
dom. My  heart  was  beginning  to  throw  off  its 
crushing  burden  ;   I  breathed  more  freely. 

At  the  end  of  December,  I  received  the  Public 
Prosecutor's  introductory  speech  of  October  15, 
before  the  Supreme  Court.  It  bewildered  me. 
From  it  I  learned  of  the  accusation  brought  by 
jny    brother     against    Commandant    Esterhazy, 


288  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

whom  I  did  not  know,  of  Esterhazy's  acquittal, 
of  Henry's  forgery,  followed  by  his  confession 
and  suicide.  But  the  bearing  of  these  incidents 
was  dark  to  me. 

On  the  5th  of  January,  1899,  I  was  examined 
by  the  President  of  the  Court  of  Appeals  of 
Cayenne,  commissioned  by  the  Supreme  Court 
to  visit  the  He  du  Diable  and  hold  an  inquiry. 
Vast  was  my  astonishment  at  hearing  for  the  first 
time  of  my  pretended  confessions,  —  of  that  ma- 
licious distortion  of  the  words  I  cried  out  on  the 
day  of  the  degradation,  words  which  were  a  pro- 
testation, a  vehement  declaration  of  my  innocence. 

And  then  again  the  days  and  months  dragged 
on  without  my  receiving  any  definite  news.  I 
was  kept  in  complete  ignorance  of  the  result  of 
the  Court's  investigation.  Every  month  my  wife, 
in  letters,  which,  as  usual,  reached  me  after  con- 
siderable delay,  and  in  telegrams,  told  of  her 
hopes  that  the  end  would  soon  come.  But  I 
could  not  see  it  coming. 

In  the  last  days  of  February,  I  sent,  as  was 
my  custom,  to  Prison  Commandant  Deniel,  my 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  289 

usual  request  for  extra  provisions  and  a  few  other 
necessities  for  the  following  month.  I  received 
nothing.  I  had  taken  a  strict  resolution,  from 
which  I  never  departed,  not  to  complain  or  to 
discuss  the  method  of  carrying  out  my  sentence, 
for  this  would  have  been  to  admit  the  principle 
of  it,  a  principle  I  had  never  admitted ;  so  I  said 
nothing,  and  got  along  as  best  I  could  during  the 
month  of  March.  At  the  end  of  the  month 
Deniel  came  to  tell  me  that  he  had  mislaid  my 
demand  and  begged  me  to  make  up  another. 
If  he  had  really  mislaid  it,  he  would  have  known 
of  it  when  the  boat  which  brought  provisions 
from  Cayenne  came  back.  This  proceeding  of 
his  coincided  too  exactly  with  the  passage  of  the 
Loi  de  Dessaisissement  to  be  a  mere  coincidence 
and  not  the  effect  of  that  law.  At  that  time  I 
did  not  know  the  dirty  work  which  this  man  had 
undertaken,  and  I  learned  it  only  on  my  return 
to  France.  I  believed  him  to  be  a  simple  tool, 
—  all  the  more  that  he  always  took  pains  to  tell 
me,  "I  am  only  an  executive  agent;"  and  I 
knew  that  men  are  found  for  every  kind  of  work. 

19 


290  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

To-day  I  have  every  reason  to  think  that  many 
of  his  measures  were  taken  on  his  own  initiative, 
and  that  the  offensive  behavior  of  certain  guards 
was  due  to  him. 

For  my  part  I  knew  nothing  of  the  Loi  de  Des- 
saisissement  and  could  not  understand  the  length 
of  the  investigation.  The  case  seemed  to  me 
very  simple,  since  I  knew  only  of  the  bordereau. 
Several  times  I  asked  for  information ;  it  is  super- 
fluous to  say  that  it  was  never  given  me. 

While  my  will  did  not  weaken  during  these 
eight  long  months,  in  which  I  was  looking  daily 
and  hourly  for  the  decision  of  the  Supreme 
Court,  my  physical  and  cerebral  exhaustion  grew 
more  pronounced. 


XI 
THE    RETURN    TO    FRANCE 

ON  Monday,  the  5th  of  June,  1899,  half 
an  hour  after  noon,  the  chief  guard 
entered  my  hut  precipitately  and  handed 
me  the  following  note  :  — 

"  Please  let  Captain  Dreyfus  know  immediately 
of  this  order  of  the  Supreme  Court.  The  Court 
quashes  and  annuls  the  sentence  pronounced  on 
the  22d  of  December,  1894,  upon  Alfred  Drey- 
fus, by  the  first  Court  Martial  of  the  Military 
Government  of  Paris,  and  remands  the  accused 
party  to  a  Court  Martial  at  Rennes,  etc. 

"  The  present  decision  is  to  be  printed  and 
transcribed  on  the  Book  of  Records  of  the  first 
Court  Martial  of  the  Military  Government  at 
Paris  on  the  margin  of  the   annulled    sentence. 


292  FIVE   YEARS    OF   MY   LIFE 

"In  virtue  of  this  decision  Captain  Dreyfus 
ceases  to  be  subjected  to  the  convict  regime  ;  he 
becomes  a  simple  prisoner  under  arrest,  and  is 
restored  to  his  rank  and  allowed  to  resume  his 
uniform. 

*'  See  to  it  that  the  prison  authorities  cancel 
the  commitment  and  withdraw  the  prison  guard 
from  the  He  du  Diable.  At  the  same  time  have 
the  prisoner  taken  in  charge  by  the  commandant 
of  the  regular  troops  and  replace  the  guards  by  a 
squad  of  gendarmes,  who  will  mount  guard  on 
the  He  du  Diable,  according  to  the  regulations 
of  military  prisons. 

"  The  cruiser  Sfax  leaves  Fort-de-France  ^  to- 
day with  orders  to  take  the  prisoner  from  the 
island  and  bring  him  back  to  France. 

"  Communicate  to  Captain  Dreyfus  the  details 
of  this  decision  and  the  departure  of  the  Sfax." 

My  joy  was  boundless,  unutterable.  At  last  I 
was  escaping  from  the  cross  to  which  I  had  been 
nailed  for  nearly  five  years,  suffering  as  bitterly  in 

In  the  French  colony  of  Martinique  in  the  West  Indies. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  293 

the  martyrdom  of  my  dear  ones  as  in  my  own. 
Happiness  succeeded  the  horror  of  that  inexpres- 
sible anguish.  The  day  of  justice  was  at  last 
dawning  for  me.  The  Court's  decision  termi- 
nated everything,  I  thought,  and  I  had  not  the 
slightest  idea  that  there  remained  anything  to  do 
but  go  through  some  necessary  legal  formalities. 

Of  my  own  story  I  knew  nothing.  As  I  said, 
I  was  still  back  in  1894,  with  the  bordereau  as  the 
only  document  in  the  case,  with  the  sentence  of 
the  Court  Martial,  with  that  appalling  parade  of  de- 
gradation, with  the  cries  of"  Death  to  the  traitor! " 
from  a  deluded  people.  I  believed  in  the  loyalty 
of  General  de  Boisdeffre ;  I  believed  in  the  Chief 
Magistrate  of  the  State,  Felix  Faure ;  I  thought 
both  eager  for  justice.  Thereafter  a  veil  had 
fallen  before  my  eyes,  growing  more  impenetrable 
every  day.  The  few  facts  I  had  learned  during 
the  last  month  were  enigmas  to  me.  I  had 
learned  the  name  of  Esterhazy,  I  had  learned  of 
the  forgery  of  Henry,  and  of  his  suicide.  I  had 
had  only  official  relations  with  the  true-hearted 
Lieutenant-Colonel  Picquart.    The  grand  struggle 


294  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

undertaken  by  a  few  noble  minds,  inspired  by  the 
love  of  truth,  was  utterly  unknown  to  me. 

In  the  Court's  decision  I  had  read  that  my 
innocence  was  acknowledged,  and  that  nothing 
more  remained  but  for  the  Court  Martial  before 
which  I  was  to  appear  to  make  honorable  repara- 
tion for  a  frightful  judicial  error. 

On  the  same  afternoon,  of  the  5  th  of  June,  I 
sent  the  following  despatch  to  my  wife  :  — 

"  My  heart  and  soul  are  with  you,  with  my 
children,  with  my  friends.  I  leave  Friday.  1 
wait  with  uncontrollable  joy  the  moment  of 
supreme  happiness,  when  I  shall  hold  you  in  my 
arms." 

That  evening  the  squad  of  gendarmes  arrived 
from  Cayenne.  I  saw  my  jailers  depart.  I  seemed 
to  walk  in  a  dream,  to  be  emerging  from  a  long 
and  frightful  nightmare. 

I  waited  with  anxiety  for  the  arrival  of  the 
Sfax.  Thursday  evening  I  saw,  far  away,  the 
smoke  on  the  horizon  and  soon  recognized  the  war- 
ship. But  it  was  too  late  for  me  to  embark  that 
night. 


ALFRED   DREYFUS  295 

Thanks  to  the  kindness  of  the  Mayor  of  Cay- 
enne, I  was  able  to  get  a  suit  of  clothes,  a  hat,  a 
little  linen ;  in  a  word,  the  bare  necessities  for  the 
journey. 

On  Friday  morning,  the  9th  of  June,  at  seven 
o'clock,  the  prison-boat  came  for  me.  At  last  I 
was  to  quit  that  cursed  island.  The  Sfax,  a 
deep-draught  ship  for  that  harbor,  was  anchored 
far  away.  The  prison-boat  took  me  out  to  her, 
but  I  had  to  wait  for  two  hours  before  they  would 
receive  me  aboard.  The  sea  was  heavy  ;  the  boat, 
a  mere  cockle-shell,  danced  dizzily  on  the  big 
waves  of  the  Atlantic  ;  I  was  seasick,  and  so  were 
all  the  others  on  board. 

About  ten  o'clock  the  order  came  to  go  along- 
side. I  went  on  board  the  Sfax,  where  I  was 
received  by  the  executive  officer,  who  took  me  to 
the  non-commissioned  officers'  cabin,  which  had 
been  specially  prepared  for  me.  The  window  of 
the  cabin  had  been  grated.  (I  think  it  was  this 
operation  which  occasioned  my  long  wait  in  the 
boat.)  The  glass  door  was  guarded  by  an  armed 
sentinel.     In  the  evening  I  knew  from  the  move- 


296  FIVE    YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

ment  of  the  ship  that  the  Sfax  had  weighed 
anchor  and  was  getting  into  motion. 

My  treatment  on  board  the  Sfax  was  that  of 
an  officer  under  arrest  de  rigueur.  For  one  hour 
in  the  morning  and  one  hour  in  the  evening  I  was 
allowed  to  walk  on  deck ;  the  rest  of  the  time  I 
was  shut  up  in  my  cabin.  During  my  stay  on 
board,  I  preserved  constantly  the  attitude  which 
I  had  maintained  from  the  beginning,  from  a 
feeling  of  personal  dignity.  Beyond  the  needs 
of  service   I   spoke  to  no  one. 

On  Sunday,  the  i8th  of  June,  we  reached  the 
Cape  Verde  Islands,  where  the  Sfax  coaled  ;  we  left 
there  Tuesday,  the  20th.  The  ship  was  slow  and 
made  not  more  than  eight  or  nine  knots  an  hour. 

On  the  30th  of  June,  we  sighted  the  French 
coast.  After  nearly  five  years  of  martyrdom,  I 
was  coming  back  to  obtain  justice.  The  horrible 
struggle  was  almost  ended.  I  believed  that  the 
people  had  acknowledged  their  error ;  I  expected 
to  find  my  dear  ones  waiting  to  receive  me  on 
landing,  and  to  see  with  them  my  comrades 
awaiting  me  with  open  arms  and  tearful  eyes. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  297 

That  very  day  I  had  my  first  disillusionment. 

On  the  morning  of  the  30th  the  Sfax 
stopped,  and  I  was  informed  that  a  boat  would 
come  to  take  me  ashore.  Nobody  would  tell  me 
where  the  landing  was  to  take  place.  A  boat 
appeared ;  it  merely  brought  the  order  to  keep 
manoeuvring  in  the  open  sea.  My  disembark- 
ation was  postponed.  All  these  precautions, 
these  mysterious  goings  and  comings,  made  a  sin- 
gularly painful  impression  on  me.  I  had  a  vague 
intuition  of  something  sinister  underlying  them. 

The  Sfax,  having  moved  slowly  along  the 
coast,  stopped  toward  seven  o'clock  in  the  even- 
ing. It  was  dark ;  the  weather  was  thick,  and  it 
was  raining.  I  was  notified  that  a  steam  launch 
would  come  for  me  a  little  later. 

At  nine  o'clock  the  boat  which  was  to  take 
me  to  the  steam  launch  was  at  the  foot  of  the 
Sfax's  companion-way,  the  launch  being  un- 
able to  come  near  on  account  of  the  bad  weather. 
The  sea  had  become  very  rough,  the  wind  blew 
a  gale,  the  rain  fell  heavily.  The  boat,  tossed 
by   the  waves,   was  dancing    by    the    ladder.      I 


298  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

jumped  for  it  and  struck  upon  the  gunwale, 
bruising  myself  rather  severely.  The  boat  pulled 
away. 

Affected  quite  as  much  by  the  manner  of  the 
transfer  as  by  the  cold  and  penetrating  humidity, 
I  was  seized  with  a  violent  chill  and  my  teeth 
began  chattering. 

Butting  our  way  crazily  through  the  tossing 
waves,  we  came  up  to  the  steam  launch,  whose 
ladder  I  could  scarcely  climb,  crippled  as  I  was 
from  the  injury  to  my  legs  received  when  I 
jumped  into  the  boat.  However,  I  boarded  the 
launch  in  silence.  It  steamed  ahead  for  a  time, 
then  stopped.  I  was  in  total  ignorance  as  to 
where  I  was  or  whither  I  was  going.  Not  a  word 
had  been  spoken  to  me.  After  I  had  waited  an 
hour  or  two,  I  was  requested  to  step  into  the 
small-boat  again.  The  night  was  still  black,  the 
rain  kept  pouring  down,  but  the  sea  was  calmer. 
I  understood  that  we  must  be  in  port.  At  a 
quarter  after  two  in  the  morning  we  landed  at  a 
place  which  I  afterward  knew  was  Port-Houli- 
guen. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  299 

There  I  got  into  a  carriage,  with  a  captain  of 
gendarmerie  and  two  gendarmes.  Between  two 
ranks  of  soldiers  this  carriage  drove  to  a  railway- 
station.  At  the  station,  always  with  the  same 
companions,  and  without  a  word  having  been 
addressed  to  me,  we  got  into  a  train  which,  after 
two  or  three  hours  of  travel,  arrived  at  another 
station,  where  we  got  out. 

There  we  found  another  carriage  waiting,  and 
were  conveyed  swiftly  to  a  city  and  into  a  court- 
yard. I  got  out,  and  looking  about  me  saw  that 
I  was  in  the  military  prison  at  Rennes.  It  was 
about  six  o'clock  in  the  morning. 

The  succession  of  emotions  to  which  I  was  a 
prey  may  be  imagined,  —  bewilderment,  surprise, 
sadness,  bitter  pain,  at  that  kind  of  a  return  to 
my  country.  Where  I  had  expected  to  find  men 
united  in  common  love  of  truth  and  justice,  de- 
sirous to  make  amends  for  a  frightful  judicial 
error,  I  found  only  anxious  faces,  petty  precau- 
tions, a  wild  disembarkation  on  a  stormy  sea  in 
the  middle  of  the  night,  with  physical  sufferings 
added   to   the   trouble  of  my  mind.     Happily, 


300  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

during  the  long,  sad  months  of  my  captivity  I  had 
been  able  to  steel  my  will  and  nerves  and  body 
to  an  infinite  capacity  for  resistance. 

It  was  now  the  ist  of  July.  At  nine  o'clock 
that  morning,  I  was  told  that  in  a  few  minutes  I 
should  see  my  wife  in  the  room  next  to  the  one 
I  was  occupying.  This  room,  like  my  own,  had 
a  wooden  grating  which  shut  out  the  view  of  the 
courtyard  below.  It  was  furnished  with  a  table 
and  chairs.  Here  it  was  that  afterward  my  in- 
terviews with  my  own  people  and  my  counsel 
took  place.  Strong  as  I  was,  violent  trembling 
seized  me,  my  tears  flowed,  —  tears  which  I  had 
not  known  for  so  long  a  time. 

It  is  impossible  for  words  to  express  in  their 
intensity  the  emotions  which  my  wife  and  I  both 
felt  at  seeing  each  other  again.  Joy  and  grief 
were  blended  in  our  hearts.  We  sought  to  read 
in  each  other's  faces  the  traces  of  our  suffering, 
we  wished  to  tell  each  other  all  that  we  felt  in  our 
souls,  to  reveal  all  the  feelings  suppressed  and 
stifled  during  these  long  years ;  but  the  words 
died  away  on  our  lips.     We  had  to  content  our- 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  301 

selves  with  trying  to  throw  into  our  looks  all  the 
strength  of  our  affection  and  of  our  endurance. 
The  presence  of  a  lieutenant  of  infantry,  who 
was  stationed  there,  prevented  any  intimate 
talk. 

On  the  other  hand,  I  knew  nothing  of  the 
events  which  had  taken  place  during  the  past  five 
years,  and  had  returned  with  confidence,  —  a  con- 
fidence that  had  been  much  shaken  by  the  varied 
events  of  the  previous  night.  But  I  did  not 
dare  to  question  my  dear  wife  for  fear  of  exciting 
her  grief,  and  she  preferred  leaving  to  my  lawyers 
the  task  of  informing  me. 

My  wife  was  authorized  to  see  me  every  day 
for  an  hour.  I  also  saw  in  succession  all  the 
members  of  our  family ;  and  nothing  can  equal 
the  joy  we  had  in  being  able  to  embrace  each 
other  after  such  a  separation. 

On  the  3d  of  July  Maitre  Demange  and 
Maitre  Labori  came  to  see  me.  I  threw  myself 
into  Maitre  Demange's  arms  and  was  afterward 
presented  to  Maitre  Labori.  My  confidence  in 
Maitre  Demange  and  in  his  wonderful  devotion, 


302  FIVE   YEARS    OF    MY    LIFE 

had  remained  unchanged.  I  felt  at  once  the  keen- 
est sympathy  with  Maitre  Labori,  who  had  been  so 
eloquent  and  courageous  an  advocate  of  the  truth. 
To  him  I  expressed  my  deep  gratitude.  Then 
Maitre  Demange  gave  me  chronologically  the 
history  of  the  "  Affaire''  I  listened  breathlessly 
while  they  strung  together  for  me,  link  by  link, 
that  fateful  chain  of  events.  This  first  exposition 
was  completed  by  Maitre  Labori.  I  learned  of 
the  long  series  of  misdeeds  and  disgraceful  crimes 
constituting  the  indictment  against  my  innocence. 
I  was  told  of  the  heroism  and  the  great  efforts 
of  noble  men ;  the  unflinching  struggle  under- 
taken by  that  handful  of  men  of  lofty  character, 
opposing  their  own  courage  and  honesty  to  the 
cabals  of  falsehood  and  iniquity.  I  had  never 
doubted  that  justice  would  be  done,  therefore 
Maitre  Labori's  account  of  these  events  was  a 
great  blow  to  me.  My  illusions  with  regard  to 
some  of  my  former  chiefs  were  gradually  dissi- 
pated, and  my  soul  was  filled  with  anguish.  I 
was  seized  with  an  overpowering  pity  and  sorrow 
for  that  army  of  France  which  I  loved. 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  303 

In  the  afternoon  1  saw  my  dear  brother 
Mathieu,  who  had  been  devoted  to  me  from  the 
very  first  day,  and  who  had  remained  in  the 
breach  during  these  five  years,  with  a  courage 
and  wisdom  that  had  been  the  noblest  example 
of  brotherly  devotion. 

On  the  following  day,  the  4th  of  July,  the 
lawyers  handed  me  the  report  of  the  trials  of 
1898,  the  investigation  of  the  Criminal  Branch 
of  the  Supreme  Court,  and  the  final  hearings  be- 
fore the  United  Chambers  of  the  same  court.  I 
read  the  Zola  trial  during  the  night  that  followed, 
without  being  able  to  tear  myself  away  from  it. 
I  saw  how  Zola  had  been  condemned  for  having 
upheld  the  truth,  I  read  of  General  de  Boisdeffre's 
swearing  to  the  authenticity  of  the  letter  forged 
by  Henry.  But  as  my  sadness  increased  on 
reading  of  all  these  crimes  and  realizing  how  men 
are  led  astray  by  their  passions,  a  deep  feeling  of 
gratitude  and  admiration  arose  in  my  heart  for  all 
the  courageous  men,  learned  or  ignorant,  great  or 
humble,  who  had  cast  themselves  valiantly  into 
the  struggle,     And  history  will  record  that  the 


304  FIVE    YEARS    OF    MY   LIFE 

honor  of  France  was  in  this  uprising  of  men  of 
every  degree,  of  scholars  hitherto  buried  in  the 
silent  labor  of  study  or  laboratory,  of  workingmen 
engrossed  in  their  hard  daily  toil,  of  public  officials 
who  set  the  higher  interests  of  the  nation  above 
purely  selfish  motives,  for  the  supremacy  of  jus- 
tice, liberty,  and  truth. 

Next  I  read  the  admirable  report  prepared  for 
the  Supreme  Court  by  Maitre  Mornard ;  and  the 
feehng  of  esteem  with  which  that  inspired  me  for 
this  eminent  lawyer  was  strengthened  when  I 
made  his  acquaintance  and  was  able  to  appreciate 
the  rare  quality  of  his  intelligence. 

Rising  early,  between  four  and  five  o'clock,  I 
worked  all  day  long.  I  went  through  the  docu- 
ments greedily,  passing  from  one  surprise  to 
another  in  that  formidable  mass  of  facts.  I 
learned  of  the  illegality  of  my  trial  in  1894,  the 
secret  communication  to  members  of  the  first 
Court  Martial,  ordered  by  General  Mercier,  of 
forged  or  irrelevant  documents,  and  of  the  collu- 
sion to  save  the  guilty  man. 

During  this  time  I  received  thousands  of  letters 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  305 

from  known  and  unknown  friends,  from  all  parts 
of  France,  of  Europe,  of  the  world ;  I  have  not 
been  able  to  thank  all  these  friends  individually, 
but  I  wish  to  tell  them  here  how  my  heart  melted 
within  me  at  these  touching  manifestations  of 
sympathy.  How  much  good  they  have  done  ! 
What  strength   I   have  drawn  from  them  ! 

I  have  always  been  sensitive  to  change  of 
climate,  and  I  was  now  constantly  cold  and 
obliged  to  cover  myself  warmly,  although  we 
were  in  the  midst  of  summer.  In  the  last  days 
of  the  month  of  July'  I  was  taken  with  violent 
chills  and  fever,  followed  by  congestion  of  the 
liver.  I  was  compelled  to  take  to  bed,  but, 
thanks  to  vigorous  treatment,  was  soon  on  my 
feet  again.  I  then  began  to  confine  myself  to  a 
diet  of  milk  and  eggs,  which  I  continued  as  long 
as  I  remained  at  Rennes.  During  the  trial,  how- 
ever, I  added  kola  to  it,  so  as  to  be  able  to  withstand 
the  strain  and  remain  on  my  feet  throughout  the 
long  and  seemingly  interminable  sittings. 

The  opening  of  the  trial  was  fixed  for  the  9th 
of  August.     I  had  to  exercise  great  restraint,  for  I 


3o6  FIVE    YEARS   OF    MY   LIFE 

was  anxious  about  my  dear  wife,  who,  I  saw,  was 
exhausted  by  the  long-continued  strain  and  im- 
patient to  see  the  end  of  this  frightful  situation. 
I  was  longing  to  see  again  my  beloved  children, 
who  were  still  in  ignorance  of  everything,  and  to 
be  able  to  forget  in  a  peaceful  home  life  all  the 
sorrows  of  the  past,  and  to  be  born  again  to  life. 


XII 
THE    RENNES    COURT    MARTIAL 

I    SHALL  not  report  here  the  sessions  of  the 
Rennes  Court  Martial. 

In  spite  of  the  plainest  evidence,  against 
all  justice  and  all  equity,  I  was  condemned. 

And  the  verdict  was  announced  "  with  exten- 
uating circumstances."  Since  when  have  there 
been  extenuating  circumstances  for  the  crime  of 
treason  ? 

Two  votes,  however,  were  given  for  me.  Two 
consciences  were  able  to  rise  above  party  spirit, 
cleave  to  the  higher  ideal,  and  regard  only  man's 
inalienable  right  to  justice. 

As  to  the  sentence  which  five  judges  dared  to 
pronounce,  I  do  not  accept  it. 

I  signed  my  request  for  a  new  trial  the  day 
after  the  sentence.      An  appeal  from  the  verdict 


3o8  FIVE   YEARS   OF   iMY   LIFE 

of  a  Court  Martial  can  be  brought  only  before 
the  Military  Court  of  Appeals,  which  decides 
questions  purely  of  form.  I  knew  what  had 
already  passed  after  the  Court  Martial  of  1894  ; 
and  founded,  therefore,  no  hope  on  such  an 
appeal.  My  airii  was  to  go  again  before  the 
Supreme  Court,  and  give  it  opportunity  to  com- 
plete the  work  of  justice  which  it  had  begun. 
But  at  that  time  I  had  no  means  of  doing  this, 
for  in  military  law,  in  order  to  go  before  the 
Supreme  Court,  it  is  necessary  to  be  able  to  pro- 
duce either  a  new  fact  or  the  proof  of  false 
testimony  (Provisions  of  the   Law  of  1895). 

Hence  my  demand  for  revision  before  the 
military  courts  was  merely  to  gain   time. 

I  had  signed  my  demand  for  a  revision  on  the 
9th  of  September.  On  the  12th  of  September, 
at  six  o'clock  in  the  morning,  my  brother  Mathieu 
was  in  my  cell,  authorized  by  General  de  Galliffet, 
Minister  of  War,  to  see  me  without  witnesses. 
A  pardon  was  offered  me,  on  condition  that  I 
withdraw  my  demand  for  revision.  Although 
expecting  nothing  from   my  demand,  I   hesitated 


ALFRED    DREYFUS  309 

to  withdraw  it,  for  I  had  no  need  of  pardon.  I 
thirsted  for  justice.  But  on  the  other  hand,  my 
brother  told  me  that  my  health,  already  greatly 
shaken,  left  little  hope  that  I  could  resist  much 
longer  under  the  conditions  in  which  I  should  be 
placed  ;  that  liberty  would  give  me  greater  oppor- 
tunity to  strive  for  the  reparation  of  the  atrocious 
judicial  error  of  which  I  was  still  the  victim,  since 
it  would  give  me  time,  and  time  was  the  only 
object  of  my  appeal  to  the  Military  Tribunal  of 
Revision.  Mathieu  added  that  the  withdrawal 
of  my  demand  was  counselled  and  approved  by 
the  men  who  had  been,  in  the  press  and  before 
the  world,  the  chief  champions  of  my  cause. 
Finally  I  thought  of  the  sufferings  of  my  wife 
and  family ;  of  the  children  whom  I  had  not  yet 
seen,  and  whose  memory  had  haunted  me  day 
and  night  since  my  return  to  France.  Accord- 
ingly, I  agreed  to  withdraw  my  appeal,  but  at  the 
same  time  specified  unmistakably  my  absolute 
and  unchangeable  intention  to  follow  up  the  legal 
revision  of  the  sentence  of  Rennes. 

On  the  very  day  of  my  liberation,  I  published 


310  FIVE   YEARS   OF   MY   LIFE 

the  following,  expressing  my  thought  and  my 
unconquerable  purpose  :  — 

"  The  Government  of  the  Republic  gives  me 
back  my  liberty.  It  is  nothing  to  me  without 
honor.  Beginning  with  to-day,  I  shall  unremit- 
tingly strive  for  the  reparation  of  the  frightful 
judicial  error  of  which   I   am  still  the  victim. 

"  I  want  all  France  to  know  by  a  final  judg- 
ment that  I  am  innocent.  My  heart  will  never 
be  satisfied  while  there  is  a  single  Frenchman 
who  imputes  to  me  the  abominable  crime  which 
another  committed." 

February^  igoi. 


Vnivrtitj  Prtsi,  J»hn  fVilsm  and  Son,  Cambridgt,  U.  S.  A. 


VAA\£K- 


W^ 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


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